Mondays and depression

I love my job.  I'm going to have a busy month, but I'm glad that I enjoy my work and the customers. 

My MIL is coming in about 2 weeks.  I have no idea how I'm going to get the house clean (and keep it that way) before she gets here. 

Something's wrong with one of the nerves in my back.  I'm about to be 25, not 55.  It's not hurting yet today, so maybe it's better.....but it's been going on for about a week or longer now.

I'm tired today.  I haven't felt "tired" in a while.  I've been proud of myself for getting much accomplished on my off days.  Brandon and I shopped after church and lunch yesterday.  We came home and he planted pansies and I cleaned and decorated the house some more.  =) 

Is it selfish to want things for Christmas?  It feels like everyone wants to buy these "big" gifts for us that aren't even things I want.  I don't want a smoker, chiminea(sp), and new mattress.  I know that those are nice things, but I just want to get to unwrap something on Christmas.  I'm never satisfied with the holiday anymore.  Even with what Brandon gives me--I know that's bad.  I feel like I put so much thought and effort in buying the perfect gifts for everyone but no one asks what I want for myself.  I know that we are supposed to be celebrating the birth of Christ, so this is selfish of me to just want a few surprises for myself.  I should stop whining.  I do have everything(but one thing)  that I've ever wanted.  I am one of the lucky ones.  I just don't ever feel that way.

I love my husband more than anyone in the whole world.  Yesterday, he made me feel like he felt the same way about me.  I always feel like I'm bothering or annoying him.  I don't know how to make him happy.  I feel like such a nuisance.  I feel like I talk to him too much.  I feel like we've both changed so much since we first met.  I feel like I have to be someone that I'm not.  I try so hard each day to be confident and not so needy.  To everyone around me I look like I have it all together, but I don't.  I never have.  I put on a great charade.  I think it's time to talk to my doctor again.  Maybe I need to go into counseling again.  I haven't "talked" since Brandon and I were engaged.

This is not the hormones talking, I've been progesterone-free since Thursday.  My cycle should have started by now... but it hasn't.  My last pregnancy test (Thursday) was negative--no surprise there.  It's been 48 days since my last cycle.  After this cycle starts, I think we're going to just play it safe a few months.  At this point, I couldn't get pregnant if I wanted to--not without fertility drugs.  Maybe I'm not supposed to have a baby yet.?. 

Long Time! Changes

I haven't blogged since September.  WOW!! 

I tried to get pregnant and failed miserably.  I'm about to start the wicked Provera tomorrow!  I took it during my last cycle to induce AF. =/  I think we may ask for fertility drugs for the next cycle.  I don't want to rush being a parent, but I can tell that something's up with my body.  Why can't I get pregnant?  I'm 24 for crying out loud!! 

I have a new job working in a jewelry store.  It's awesome! I'm on my feet a lot, but it's good to truly feel tired after a long day's work.

I have my long-lost best friend from childhood back in my life.  We've had many "divorces" in the past, but I'm so happy to be able to talk to her again. 

Although things seem to be not so good in the fertility department, the rest of my life is great.  I have a lot to be thankful for!! =)

Brandon's Birthday

Today is Brandon's birthday! He's 34. When I got home from work last night, I let him open his gift from my Mom.

It's not a typical Alabama-looking shirt, but he loves it! He didn't think he'd get it, so it was a GREAT surprise!

I am partial, but I think my husband is one good looking man! =)

So, this morning, I had set out his card. I'm pretty cheesy with cards for birthdays, anniversaries and romantic holidays. I refuse to buy a card, so I typically make one. They may look childish, but it brings back memories of when I was younger, making cards for my parents. Brandon always appreciates them because he knows I spent longer than a minute picking out a card in Wal-Mart.


I'll give him his presents once he gets home from work. We're going to eat dinner with our family this evening. Last night at work, it just hit me that I should invite our family. His parents, sister and boyfriend, my dad and girlfriend, and our close friend-River are all meeting us.

I'll post more of the birthday festivities tomorrow! =)

New cycle

My cycle started on day 34. What a relief that was! I was thrilled to not have to call the doctor for Provera to induce another cycle. I did indeed ovulate and am getting closer to O-day for this one!

I worked almost all weekend. Brandon and I went out to dinner and a movie after I got off work on Friday evening. On Saturday, we also went out to dinner when I left work. I slept in on Sunday, and went to work. It was super busy with football season starting this week.

Yesterday, I was off! Brandon started back to work at Ruffner. It was weird having him gone from the house. It was kinda funny- his alarm clock mysteriously changed times and Brandon was up for work at 3:15 AM yesterday. While he was gone, I ate lunch with a friend, went grocery shopping, baked a cake, and made dinner. Since we rarely eat dinner together anymore, we sat at the table. It was nice to actually talk while we ate (instead of watching tv).

Tomorrow is Brandon's birthday. He will be 34 years old. While sitting on the porch last night, I told Brandon that I'd be happy to wait longer for a baby if we got a puppy. (I've asked and asked for one but he doesn't want another dog.) I got a strange response--he said that he was about to be 34 and didn't want to wait any longer. That made me smile. Sometimes, I feel like I'm pressuring him into starting a family sooner rather than later. I was glad to know that he's truly ready. I honestly think he's always been ready.

I hope that his birthday is great tomorrow!!

Day 33

My cycle still hasn't started. My fertility chart says that I need to take a pregnancy test on Friday. I don't want to because I know it will be negative. I remembered today what happened back in January when I forgot a bunch of birth control pills. I had a 53 day cycle that lasted from January to March. I had to go to the doctor to get Provera to MAKE my menstrual cycle start.

I'm praying that is not the case this time. I'm trying to stay positive.

Productive

I was extremely productive over the weekend! I already posted about cleaning up the bedroom. On Saturday evening after I finished working, Brandon met me in Alabaster and we went to eat dinner. On Sunday, we kept the 4-year olds at church. We worked on touching up the white paint on the front porch after we got home. We went to the Back to School picnic the church hosted that afternoon.

Yesterday, Brandon finished repainting the front porch. I worked on cleaning up my office and the rest of the house. He did help me go grocery shopping and even cleaned out the fridge. We invited some friends (Jason & Tara) over for dinner last night. They helped us hang the new mirror from Kirklands! I had these cute Kirklands wall sconces, but had no idea what to do with them. Tara suggested this, and I love it! Brandon bought the picture the Christmas before we got married. He chose it because we wanted our wedding verse to be 1 Corinthians 13:8.


Our room is starting to look the way I'd like. I'm never fully satisfied! Ha! I just love minor remodeling. I'm calling it pre-pregnancy nesting. =) Now I just need to find some pretty brown curtains to tie the whole room together. I may have to make a trip to Old Time Pottery in the near future!

On another note, today is calendar day 32 (CD32). =/ Still no sign of "Aunt Flo." This is not a good thing--we did not have unprotected sex during the "fertile window." I just hope that it comes soon. I'd much rather have a 28 day cycle like normal women. I don't ever remember my period taking so long to start.

Since I cleaned so much last week and over the weekend, now I don't know what to do with myself! I just hope that we keep the house clean this time.

Cleaning

Today, I woke up and decided to clean up our bedroom. Brandon and I struggle to keep our room clean. I had bought a new comforter and some wall art yesterday and wanted the room to look as it should.

I bought this beautiful mirror at Kirklands yesterday. I only paid $53.92 with tax for it!

I had been shopping for a new comforter for a while. By a while, I mean almost a year. One day while walking through WalMart, I stumbled upon the most perfect comforter set. I spent $80 plus tax for the Comforter, 2 Queen Pillow Shams, and bedskirt. There are matching throw pillows sold separately($12.96) that I will be purchasing soon. I'm very excited about the new additions to our bedroom. I still need to choose a picture to have enlarged to hang in our room as well. I also need to find another lamp that is silver. The gold one in the picture is nice (and from Brandon's late grandmother), but I'd rather have one that's silver.

Other than the bedroom remodeling, I've had a pretty good week. I'm about to start getting more hours at work with football season approaching, so that will be nice. I get so bored at home. Also, I'm still trying to finish Christmas shopping (I have only bought 8 gifts as of yet), so the extra money will be nice.

Brandon starts working again on August 30th! I will have the house to myself again.

I made an appointment with my OB/GYN for September 20th to discuss TTC. I'm looking forward to meeting with her and discussing all of my concerns and such. I keep telling myself that it is all so close and Brandon and I will be TTC in a matter of months. =)

I just realized that I had nothing negative to say. Yay for me! =) Maybe this whole blogging thing is actually helping me.

Big Plans for the Future

Yesterday, Brandon and I painted the back porch. I suggested that it should match the front porch (white railing). Brandon agreed, so we bought paint and got to work around 10am. Somewhere around 3pm I was exhausted and feeling crispy, so we called it a day. After we ate dinner, we painted for another hour. When I woke up this morning, he was outside finishing up, so the porch was completely finished somewhere around 10am this morning. It looks absolutely beautiful! It's the simple things that truly make me happy.

I will finally have insurance starting in September. I haven't had coverage since I graduated in May. Luckily, I have been well, but I need to see my OB/GYN to talk with her about TTC. We're still set on TTC starting in December. I started taking prenatal vitamins this week. Everything I've read said that this is the time to start preparing my body for pregnancy. It's all so exciting and scary at the same time. I can't believe that by this time next year, I will be carrying a baby. I guess that I should start taking better care of myself--meaning quit the caffeine and start exercising again.

Over the weekend, we babysat Becca and Naomi. We had so much fun with them! Brandon and I are both pretty good with kids, but I don't think that I'll be praying for twins any time soon. At least the girls are both best friends! I'm glad that we're able to help our friends out so they can have dates too. Plus, we actually had fun and let the girls play with the new superhero toys. Girls can like superheroes too!


I don't really have anything else going on. I need friends who don't have kids. It's hard for me to be around the women in my small group at church, because I'm the only "non-mom" as I like to call it. I feel isolated when they start talking about their children. I know they don't mean to only talk about children, but they do. I hope I'm not that way once I have a family. I would never want to make anyone else feel the way that I do now. I've talked to them about it before, but I'm sure that they forgot.

Well, I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I have many blessings in my life, and just need to re-focus on the good things. December's not that far away. =)

A New Me

I realize that I haven't written anything in a while. I've seen much improvement in my attitude over the past month. Reading through the Love Dare, along with other Christian marital texts has helped guide and shape me into the wife that I want to be.

About a week and a half ago, Brandon and I decided that I should stop taking birth control. It made me feel unbalanced. It also had some other strange side effects that I could no longer handle. So, after 7 years, I am now birth control free. It's exciting and scary all at the same time. I found a helpful website to keep up with my cycles. I'm new to the world of fertility charting, but I figure I better practice for when we decide to start trying to conceive (TTC).

As far as TTC is concerned, I believe that we will start actively trying around the first of the year. For some reason, I see us actually conceiving in December. Maybe it's just wishful thinking, but when I look at the December calendar I get this happy feeling. For now, I'm just praying that my body functions correctly and that I ovulate this month. I think that I am, but again, fertility charting is still pretty new to me.

Also, Brandon put in his two weeks notice with his job. Hopefully, he will only be home for the month of August. I'm a little nervous because we don't know when he'll start his other job. I'm trying to trust God and my husband on this one.

I feel like there is so much going on in our lives right now. I'm just trying to take advantage of all of the blessings that God has given me.

Attitude

I have a poor attitude. I've known this for a long time. I have to make a constant effort to be nice to others. Is this normal? I don't think so. Maybe I'm just a mean person.

I've been trying to be better with Brandon. I just feel like I have so many hormones making me crazy that I can't control myself. It's easier to just be mean. I have to put forth so much effort to keep from being "ugly" to him--as well as others. I haven't been to church for the past 2 weeks so I'm sure that has something to do with it. When I'm at church, I have to struggle to pay attention. I don't know if it's because I haven't been in school for a while or what. I have no attention span when I'm there. I'm always thinking about something else that I need to do like cleaning or cooking.

I just need a change in my attitude. I truly want to be happy.

Anniversary

Well, our anniversary was fabulous! We went to our favorite restaurant on Saturday evening where Brandon surprised me with a beautiful peridot ring!

We went and looked at tattoos after dinner and put down a deposit. We go tonight to get inked! I'm a little nervous and excited all at the same time! I haven't been tattooed since I was 18!

On Sunday, we went to church, lunch, and to a movie. We also ate some one-year old wedding cake which was actually pretty good.

Brandon was off work yesterday, so we laid out at the pool for about 4 hours. Brandon got way too much sun, but it was a nice day. It was nice to have a fun day where he wasn't checking his phone every five minutes. Also, having two consecutive days together was enjoyable. I sometimes feel like we're slipping away from each other because he's always at work and I'm always grumpy when he's home.

Overall, our anniversary was good. I couldn't imagine being married to anyone else. I don't think anything could have made our one year anniversary better.

One more day...

Tomorrow's the big day. Our one year anniversary is almost here! Last night, we went to eat Mexican food as usual and then stopped by a tattoo shop. I told Brandon that I would rather get a tattoo together than any jewelry for our anniversary. Tattoos are the gift that keeps on giving. We didn't see anything there that we liked, but we spent an hour online last night browsing. We're thinking of a locket and key. Of course, he gets to have the key and I get the locket. I'm hoping that we'll be sure by the end of the day.

We're having dinner at our favorite restaurant in Columbiana this evening (Bernie's on Main). Maybe we'll get inked afterward!

For the big day tomorrow- I have a bottle of Chilton County Peach Wine from the winery where Brandon proposed. I found the actual wine bottle from the winery we drank on the day we got engaged. I wrote our names on it, along with our wedding date. I dug out my beautiful Lenox cake plate to have the petrified wedding cake. I bought a hat that Brandon had been talking about as well. Tomorrow's going to be more sentimental for us than anything. We've overcome so many obstacles this past year. I'm so glad that we've made it to this point, and now know that we can overcome anything.

Hopefully a year from now we'll be celebrating 2 years and an addition to our family. =)

Anniversary

So, our one year anniversary is in 3 days. I can't believe that it's been a year. Brandon and I joke that it often feels like we've only been married for a few months, or sometimes, a few years.

The past few months have been much better. I graduated and that took away a lot of stress for me. Now, I just need to find a job.

I'm going to lose my mind if I stay home too much longer.

Anxious

Well, today's the day. I have avoided the GI for approximately a year. Now I must go back.

Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to be "normal." To not feel so sick and vulnerable all of the time. I am so hopeful that today's visit will at least give me more information about why I feel this way so often. A label would even be helpful as to describe what's wrong.

I just want to feel the way that a person my age should. What did I do to inherit all of the problems that I have?

Lack of Satisfaction

Lately I have felt dissatisfied with everything; well, everything except Brandon. I feel so disconnected from the world. Is it my constant obsession with completing assignments? Will this feeling go away once I'm finished with graduate school?

It's so difficult feeling that I'm at a different stage in my life than so many others around me. I am constantly feeling out of place and isolated. Sometimes I just want someone to talk to about the events occurring each day. Although Brandon is my best friend and the one that I want to share my life with, I need other people to talk to as well.

I just wish that I could make this feeling go away. I'm positive that it has to do with my lack of prayer and quiet time in the past months. I haven't given everything to God. I've been trying to figure everything out on my own.

First Post

So I haven't blogged in ages. I thought that this would be an effective way to express my feelings rather than complaining and crying to Brandon all of the time. Here goes...

I'm actually in a great mood at the moment. I'm just exhausted for no apparent reason. I'm almost positive that within a few hours my mood will change and I will find something to be angry or upset about. And of course, that emotion will all be directed at Brandon. I hate that it happens like that, or that I feel like I cannot control how I feel when I'm around him. I always make up excuses, telling myself that it's just because I'm tired or sick or stressed.

That's enough for now.