Intense Dreams

Everyone told me that pregnant women had some crazy dreams.  I'm still dreaming about forgetting to feed Elliana.  How is that even possible?  In my dreams, I go for days after her birth forgetting to breastfeed her.  The nurses give her pacifiers and formula bottles without my consent, and everyone else is feeding her but me.  Maybe I've got some anxiety about breastfeeding?

As we continue to approach Elliana's due date, I am in full blown nesting mode.  I wake up every morning, get cleaned up and dressed, make the bed, separate laundry or put up laundry, pick up the living room, attempt to clean in the kitchen, etc.  Our vacuum cleaner died over a week ago or I would be doing that too.  When I look around all I see is clutter!  It's beginning to drive me crazy.  I've been worried about making more and more room for baby girl's stuff.  Since my siblings will be here this weekend, I'm hoping that Beth will be able to help me go through my kitchen cabinets and make room for baby stuff in there.  I'm also planning to have Brandon and Nate hang all of Elliana's letters and pictures on the wall to see how it looks.  Our baby showers are coming up in about a month and I know that I'll have so much stuff to sort through, wash, and put away so I need as much done now as possible.

Since April is just days away, I don't think I've shared (on my blog) that I'm keeping Joy's kids while she goes on a mission trip.  She leaves on April 8 and returns on April 21.  Paul, Luke, and Silas will be with their dad each weekend, and Nesia will be with her grandfather one of the weekends.  One of the girls at church, Berta, will also be helping me with all of them.  April will be one tiring month, but it will help me pass the time before baby girl is here.  If I didn't love Joy's kids so much I wouldn't have even offered to help.

My Weekend in Pictures

Weekends are never quite long enough, but at least I only work two days a week now.  Be jealous!  Just kidding, but I do a LOT when I'm at home now.  With Brandon still on the no-carb diet through the week there's not much cooking to do so I've been working on cleaning and organizing EVERYTHING!

My back is still aching every morning--it's day 23 of the continued wake-me-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night with severe pain, but who's counting?  On Saturday I was able to do something nice for Brandon since he eats carbs on the weekend.  I broke out the waffle iron!

Seriously, I woke up at 6 am on Saturday morning and played music for Elliana for over an hour.  Again, she so has my taste in music.  She really enjoyed Johnny Cash but that's another post entirely.  By 7:30 I couldn't stand it and I woke Brandon up to hot waffles.  (We don't sleep in around here) He was excited to say the least.

Big Ron's (Brandon's Dad) birthday is this Tuesday, but we all got together on Saturday to celebrate.

This is Uncle B's favorite person.  He always makes sure to tell Bryson every time he says good bye.  Now Bryson says it to him too.  It's too precious.  (I even got a kiss on the tummy for Ellie when we left!)

Bryson is getting ready to play t-ball and I cannot wait for his games.  The boys practiced a little out in the yard and it was hilarious!  I have no doubt that Bryson will be every bit athletic as his Daddy and Uncle B!

We built a fire on the porch which KILLED my throat, but it was worth it.  (My throat was sore all day on Sunday.)  We sat around watching Bryson play and sharing old stories.  I'm amazed that Gina and Stephanie turned out alright sometimes after hearing how Brandon and Brian played with them when they were little.  Even Brandon says that he's horrified of how he threw them around playing when they were little.  Because Brandon spent so much time with his sisters when they were little, I have no doubt that he will be braiding hair, putting in hair bows, having tea parties, and only letting Ellie watch superhero cartoons very soon.

Next year Poppa will have Bryson and Ellie in his lap to blow out the birthday candles.  I can't wait!

On Sunday we went to a little state park only six miles from our house.  We had no idea that it was there.  It has a one mile walking path around a beautiful lake.  It was a beautiful day so after church and lunch we went out there for a walk.  I hope we can make this a Sunday tradition.  I am also proud of myself for making it one mile with NO stops.

One of the great things about living in Alabama is sunny and warm days in February.  I will be working on my tan next month!

Here are two pictures of myself from this morning.  I apologize for the mirror shots, but Brandon left for Mississippi early this morning and won't be back until Wednesday.  He's going back on Thursday but I plan on traveling with him later this week.

27w2d

27w2d

I'm definitely getting bigger and bigger.  My feet are a little bigger and most of my rings don't fit anymore.  My bridal set won't even attempt to go over my knuckle anymore.  At least I was able to wear my favorite rings for this long!

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A sweet friend of mine received bad news this morning.  My heart aches and my arms wish that they could reach her.  I'll never truly understand infertility.  Miscarriage is a whole other monster.  I can only pray that she feels comfort on this day.  Heaven welcomed another angel taken entirely too soon.

Wow ...

The outpouring of love we received yesterday was amazing.  

I had to go back to ART for repeat labs.  Everything was NORMAL!  (They were worried about my BUN levels being low due to OHSS) I still am feeling awful each day battling tummy issues, headaches, sleeplessness, and emotions everywhere.  From what I can gather, being emotional right now is just par for the course.

Right now I'm living on peppermints for nausea, Zofran (nausea) , Lomotil (spastic colon), Tylenol (sinus headaches?), Ambien (sleep issues), and Valium (panic/nerves).  I'm not ashamed of what I'm going through right now.

I cried this morning when I thought Brandon was going to have to travel overnight.  (He's not travelling until next week thankfully!)  

I've said this to only a few people, but here goes. . . . . . . . . . . .

I've never felt so alone at any other point in this journey.   

I feel like I have to guard each word I say.write.post,etc., hoping that I don't offend someone.  My thoughts are constantly reflecting on what might have been, as well as the future (mostly the future).
 The only time I find peace is when I'm in prayer or listening to music. ** I know that the Enemy is trying to attack me at my weakest.  **

*Also, my Granny had surgery on her left shoulder yesterday and isn't doing well.  She received a blood transfusion last night and has just been taken off of her pain pump.  She's older and has Pulmonary Fibrosis, Crohn's Disease, and Fibromyalgia (along with other issues).  Her lung doctor was afraid that she wouldn't wake up from the anesthesia.  Please remember her.

My Pages:
FET
IVF #1 (OHSS + 6 frozen Embryos)
The Cost (God ALWAYS provides)

Tuesday

Rachel and Clint ate dinner with us last night.  I cooked dinner for the first time in a LONG time.  It was nothing special, but it turned out ok.  Rach is my surrogate daughter. She calls me "Mom."  God provides.  Her and her boyfriend have been together for about two years now I think.  They are such a good couple.  I am proud of them together.  

They remind me of us.  They have fun together (or at least from what I see.)  We have fun when we're all together.  We're all a bunch of goobs!  We watched Family Guy, talked about poop and farts, and everything else in between.  I made B pull the guitar back out and he played a few songs.  I think he may start teaching Clint to play. 

I'm going to start singing at church.  I grew up singing in church, sang in Chamber/Show Choir for three years in high school, and have always loved just singing.  My voice may not be the best, but it's alright.  I hope to work on that.  I sang for Rachel last night, which took a lot of courage for me to open up.

Please, please, please listen to this song.  It's by Ginny Owens and called "If You Want me To." I hope to be able to sing this at church soon.  Singing it without tears will be the problem.  Joy shared this song with me and it has spoken volumes.

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So far I've made it through the day at work.  I've been able to help customers and even helped sell a pendant.  Now I'm exhausted.  I don't know if I'm going to make it the rest if the day, but I am trying.  I packed myself a big bag of snacks!  I didn't want to risk getting dehydrated or hungry.  =)

Mother Daughter Banquet

Me, Gran, Mom, and Beth; 3 Generations

Our church had the 2nd Annual Mother Daughter Banquet this weekend.  The proceeds from this event benefit The Road to Bethlehem Ministry in our church.  This particular ministry helps give Christmas gifts and dinner to children in need in Calera.

In the beginning I was hesitant about attending.  I was afraid that the event would make me sad, but then realized that there are many women in my church who have children, but no daughters.  Mother's Day and events about mothers are hard for anyone with an empty cradle.  I am so glad that I had my family and friends there with me.  I did not shed one tear, and did not feel sorry for myself for not being a mom yet.  I was overwhelmed with the power of the Holy Spirit and grateful for all the blessings that have been given to me.

I'm so glad that I decided to go and host a table.  Midway through the day yesterday, I was asked if I could sing.  Wow, I haven't sang in public in a LONG time.  My mother and I sang "Redemption Song" a capella.   I was so nervous, but my Mom gave me confidence.  I think we did a ok to have only practiced twice about 20 minutes before the banquet began.

In attendance at my table were Mom, Beth, Gran, Aunt Penny, Rachel, and Jennifer.  Here are some pictures from the evening.

Eleanna Burke organized the entire event.  She did a fabulous job! 

We all had table themes.  My theme was "Not Every Hero Wears a Mask."  Yes, I know, I'm a nerd! =)

Beth (my little sister) and me

Joy was our special speaker.  Her story is amazing and I will be sharing more on my blog once I get my notes together.

Mom and the rooster timer she won (we had door prizes!)

Jennifer and myself (She's been so supportive of me!  She's always there with a kind word and open heart.  I couldn't have made it through the past few months without her.  She's been like a sister to me.)

Beth and Aunt Penny

Nesia (Joy's miracle baby) and me

Me with Rachel (my surrogate daughter)

Productivity

I had a super productive day off yesterday!  I did some laundry, vacuumed, grocery shopped, and cleaned both of the bathrooms.  For dinner, I made Cajun Alfredo.  We even have stuff to cook for the rest of the week.  Brandon was so excited to have food in the house so we don't have to hit the drive-thru anymore.   

I'm still waiting on good news from my SIL this week.  =) That's all that I feel is appropriate to say at the moment. 

My Dad got his season tickets for Auburn yesterday.  He was so excited.  Brandon and I have season tickets to Bama, and we lucked out and already have Iron Bowl tickets.  Football season is going to be a lot of fun this year, as well as something to keep me distracted from TTC during the "rest" after the surgery. 

I'm starting my GIA classes online.  Never did I think that I would have to "go to school" for anything again!  The material isn't that hard and will help me sell better, but I'm still nervous.  I'm such a perfectionist when it comes to school!  I only have until November to finish the course.  There's only 7 assignments with corresponding quizzes and one final exam.  My goal is to finish the first quiz this week.

Patience ...

"Patience is not the ability to wait, but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting."  I stumbled upon this quote this morning, remembering that patience is not one of the virtues I have mastered. =) 

I had an extremely productive day yesterday.  Dad stopped by, and it was the first time I had seen him in over a week.  After I got motivated for the day (thanks to my Dr. Pepper) I went to the tanning bed, got my hair trimmed for the first time since December, ate lunch in the car, went to the grocery store, washed 2 loads of laundry, ate again, watched a movie, and waited for Brandon to come home.  Once he was home we went for a run and then grilled steaks for dinner.  Sometimes I feel like I've wasted my free time, but not yesterday.  I had a nice, productive day.  =) 

Productive

I was extremely productive over the weekend! I already posted about cleaning up the bedroom. On Saturday evening after I finished working, Brandon met me in Alabaster and we went to eat dinner. On Sunday, we kept the 4-year olds at church. We worked on touching up the white paint on the front porch after we got home. We went to the Back to School picnic the church hosted that afternoon.

Yesterday, Brandon finished repainting the front porch. I worked on cleaning up my office and the rest of the house. He did help me go grocery shopping and even cleaned out the fridge. We invited some friends (Jason & Tara) over for dinner last night. They helped us hang the new mirror from Kirklands! I had these cute Kirklands wall sconces, but had no idea what to do with them. Tara suggested this, and I love it! Brandon bought the picture the Christmas before we got married. He chose it because we wanted our wedding verse to be 1 Corinthians 13:8.


Our room is starting to look the way I'd like. I'm never fully satisfied! Ha! I just love minor remodeling. I'm calling it pre-pregnancy nesting. =) Now I just need to find some pretty brown curtains to tie the whole room together. I may have to make a trip to Old Time Pottery in the near future!

On another note, today is calendar day 32 (CD32). =/ Still no sign of "Aunt Flo." This is not a good thing--we did not have unprotected sex during the "fertile window." I just hope that it comes soon. I'd much rather have a 28 day cycle like normal women. I don't ever remember my period taking so long to start.

Since I cleaned so much last week and over the weekend, now I don't know what to do with myself! I just hope that we keep the house clean this time.