Today is THE DAY

"Today is the day that The Lord has made; I will rejoice and be glad in it."  Psalm 118:24

I took the most amazing nap ever yesterday afternoon after I blogged.  There was drool everywhere when I woke up- evidence to me of a good sleep!

This was the screenshot I sent out yesterday to our faith family.

As soon as I woke up I went through all of the text messages I had received and saw a bunch of notifications on Facebook.  I immediately saw posts from my friend Toni in Oklahoma.  They had bad storms the day before but I had no idea they were continuing.  We texted and I watched the live coverage on The Weather Channel.  She was only a mere ten miles from the destruction path of the storm.  As my eyes were welling up with tears I called out to God asking for Him to keep her safe.  At that moment I promise you that I watched the tornado disappear back up into the clouds.  In my own selfishness I had only prayed for her, along with her husband and daughter.  The three of them were fine, but the tornado left behind so much devastation and many lives lost.  This is not one of the happy memories that I wished to record on the day before my daughter's birth.  My heart is at rest knowing that my friend and Elliana's honorary Aunt Toni is alive today, yet I still grieve for all of those who perished.

My experience with the first two cervical checks was easy.  I left the office feeling the same way as when I walked in.  That cannot be said for the past two- last Wednesday and yesterday.  My belly feels even lower and I have battled more contractions and back pain.  It actually felt like my tummy could fall off of my body.

Weemail is hilarious. (It's a free app in the apple store)  You get a "message" from the baby everyday.  Some of them are funnier than others and this one is one of my favorite so far!

Brandon had to run to a few meetings with customers yesterday and wasn't home until close to 4 pm.  He worked until past 5:30 pm trying to wrap things up knowing that he wouldn't be able to fully sit down and take care of people until next week.  My pain and anxiety level from watching the storm coverage kept me from doing much at all until he was able to help me.  We did wash, dry, and put our sheets back on the bed. I absolutely love the smell of Gain and having clean sheets!  We packed the diaper bag, snack bag, car seat, and nursing pillow in the car to get a jump start on today's packing.  We finished up two additional loads of laundry and reevaluated our hospital bag.  Brandon did a quick clean of both of our bathrooms again and vacuumed throughout the house one more time.  All of the trash has been taken out and this is about the cleanest I've EVER seen our house!

I added this PicStitch collage to Instagram yesterday.  I've taken so many pictures of my growing belly throughout the pregnancy.
I can't believe that I'll look so different when I return home at the end of the week. 

Once we finally stopped running around we decided to go ahead and get gas in the car and grab some dinner.  We could have went out for a nice sit-down and romantic dinner but I was feeling too crappy honestly!  We grabbed McDonalds instead and I enjoyed my last fully-loaded caffeinated Dr. Pepper.

Joy was here at the house when we got back and we spent some time with her and the kids, and Dad showed up as well.  Joy prayed over me and I surprisingly only shed a few tears.  After she left Dad came in for just a few minutes and then he went home as well.

God has blessed me with an amazing family.  Joy's kids call my Daddy "Pops" now.  It's so awesome how your family doesn't always have to be blood related.  My faith family chooses to be a part of my life and I am blessed by them.

My Joy.
Where would I be today without her?
This is my favorite picture of us because we could pass for sisters.  She is like a sister to me.  She know all of the personal serious stuff and the embarrassing things too!

I have no idea how I went to bed.  I guess I was tired.  But here I am now not able to sleep anymore.  This is about my usual time to wake up and drink loads of water or sweet tea before falling back asleep on the couch.  I'm being good and am NOT drinking anything (doctor's orders for induction).

A friend I met through Joy is also in labor right now.  Brandi's water broke yesterday morning and she has been at the hospital since.  They are planning her c-section today and I know that she is beyond ready to hold her daughter as well.  Her labor experience has been long and hard and she has failed to progress past 4 cm.  They have two beautiful children through the gift of adoption, and God also blessed them with Miss Annalise after a severe battle with over twenty miscarriages.  Please remember Brandi today.  She's been through so much already and I'm just praying that her c-section is quick and that she recovers swiftly.

I messaged with her earlier telling her that I had an inkling our daughters would share a birthday.  My hope was that I'd magically go into labor yesterday after my cervical check... not that she would labor and labor and labor through the next day.  But she and I were both products of what Joy calls "Nesia's baby dust."  I've only met Brandi once, at Nesia's first birthday last year.  In that one week Nesia was with us at the fertility clinic during the FET and then saw Brandi and her husband during the time they must have conceived their own miracle baby (who thrived with one of the LOWEST progesterone levels I've ever heard of).

So here we are today.  I should be sleeping right now but I'm wide awake.  I may regret not getting more rest later, but for now I am glad that I've been able to type away more memories.  Elliana's arrival is getting closer and closer and I cannot even comprehend the amount of love I will feel for her as I give birth and she is placed in my arms.

I have some anxiety and nerves about today, but for now I feel God's overwhelming peace flowing through me.  He brought us to this day and I will trust Him to help us through it.  Our journey doesn't end today because Elliana will be born.  Our journey is just beginning as a family of three, but I will never forget what it took for us to get here.  The friendships and relationships we made along our infertility path are so special to us and we will never be the same because of them.  I would not trade our journey for anything.  Brandon and I are so lucky and blessed to be on this side of infertility now, but know that there are still so many others waiting to complete their own families.  We will always pray for those still in the family building process-no matter how they are trying to achieve their forever family.  He and I do not know what our own family future holds, but I do know that we will continue to trust God and rely on Him.

Tough Decisions

When dealing with infertility, some issues never truly go away. Brandon and I are pregnant and we are still faced with difficult decisions...

When I began writing about our fertility journey, I knew that I wanted to share EVERYTHING.  It's not often that you find a blogger as candid as myself who discloses their identity.  I hope that in the bearing of my soul on this space, someone else will find answers, comfort, and information to help them along their own pathway to parenthood.

Last week we received a letter in the mail from ART regarding our frozen sperm (11 vials).  The likelihood of us using them is slim to none.  Yes, we attempted one IUI in October 2011, but it did not end well for us.  Both the doctors at UAB and ART agreed that IVF is the best way for us to conceive.  In an IUI attempt, we would need to use both fresh and frozen samples (from Brandon) combined to get an adequate amount of swimmers for success.  All the while having four frozen embryos, neither of us want to go down the IUI road again.

Brandon and I had to think hard about this situation.  Obviously there is a cost to keep them preserved.  The cost for keeping our little swimmers on ice is $600 per year.  We also have to pay the same fee for our little frozen embies.  It's only money, but it felt like a wasted expense when we will most likely never need the frozen sperm.  In the likelihood that our attempts at another pregnancy fail with the remaining four embryos (through FET)... I can't even imagine.  The thought of another pregnancy and child is not so far out of our minds at the moment.  BUT we will cross that bridge when we get there.  In the event that two FETs fail, Brandon and I would then have to decide if we wanted to attempt IVF again.  In the event of pursuing the process again starting with IVF, I am positive that we would be able to retrieve enough sperm for ICSI.  That was truly the only worry that Brandon and I had.

Being pregnant with Elliana now and having to make these decisions brought up so many feelings that I've not experienced in quite some time.  Whether Brandon and I attempt to become pregnant again seems selfish at the moment.  I am forever thankful to God for the gift of Elliana.  At the moment I cannot wrap my head around the idea of fertility treatment again with a child.  I know that's because I don't need to worry about that yet.  Brandon and I will both know when it's time to get back on the infertility roller coaster again.

I delivered the paperwork to destroy and discard our frozen sperm on Friday while I was at Brookwood.  I highly doubt that anyone would benefit from using our little frozen guys or Brandon and I would have discussed donation.

Thank you for staying with me through this post.  I know that I've not talked as much about my fears and anxiety through this pregnancy because I haven't had any.  I'm not like most of the women who still have apprehension through their pregnancy after overcoming infertility.  I lost that feeling weeks ago and I pray that my other infertility sisters can feel the same peace.  BUT having to watch Brandon sign the paperwork and then deliver it brought me back to that dark place.

Swimmers Relocated

Brandon safely transported our frozen swimmers to ART! =)  They gave him paperwork with numbers from each sample provided.  He and I were both found the whole process hilarious.  I mean, who drives around town with frozen sperm in their cooler??

At the moment I am pleasantly relieved about the whole situation.  =)  AND tomorrow's my birthday!!

Swimmers Found

Brandon talked to Ellen (Embryologist at ART) this morning and she said that UAB has him scheduled to pick up 11 vials of frozen sperm!!  =)  We thawed 2 vials for our first IUI leaving us with 3.  We banked 8 more during the month of November...so 8+3=11!!  Each and every other time we've discussed our frozen samples with UAB, they've told us we only had 8.  I am so relieved that this whole missing sperm fiasco is over!

Brandon cleaned out his Alabama cooler yesterday and is picking up dry ice to transport "the boys."  Please be thinking about him today as he has to transport them from UAB to Brookwood.  It's a short trip, but I would greatly appreciate prayer and positive vibes his direction until this part of the process is complete. 

On a side note, I'll NEVER look at our cooler the same way again. ;-)  After what we've been going through, I know that God has a sense of humor!

Just Keep Swimming

I had an entire post written and then talked to Brandon.  He was supposed to be transport our frozen sperm today to ART, but UAB keeps holding us up.  Dr. Bates has yet to sign the necessary paperwork and call Brandon back.  He's been talking to Dr. Rozario and she has to have the transport cleared with her boss as well.  When it came time for our IUI back in October, they did not even notify us that they were thawing our sperm, and now 3 vials are completely unaccounted for.  

I'm so incredibly mad at the moment that I cannot stand it.  

Updates on Labs from the Week

It took me a couple of days to post, but here are my labs from the week:

• Immune to Rubella
• Immune to Chicken Pox
• HCG was negative (we already knew that! haha )
• Vitamin D Level:  46 (which is normal)
• TSH (0.90) was normal
• Prolactin was normal

All of my labs came back normal!  They called Brandon yesterday and his blood work results were normal as well.  His Semen Analysis was a slightly different story.  We were given the results before leaving the appointment on Tuesday. SA results are difficult to understand, so I put my comments about the numbers in parentheses.

• Volume:  2.25 ml (ok)
• Total Motility:  51%  (not bad at all)
• Progressive Motility:  33%  (ok)
• Morphology:  3% (Normal Strict) (not so great)
• Total Sperm Number/Specimen:  4.5 (not good =/ )
• Total Motile Sperm/Specimen:  2.3 (ick)

Under the comments Section:  Only 2 normal sperm observed out of 62 total.  Moprhological evaluation for 5 minutes due to low concentration.  Majority of abnormal morphology= multiple defects.  Dr. Allemand recommended that Brandon begin taking a multivitamin blended for men with fertility issues.  They gave us a month's supply.  =)

On Wednesday, the Embryologist called me regarding Brandon's Frozen Sperm at UAB.  We will actually have to transport our frozen swimmers to Brookwood ourselves!  I told Brandon that I wouldn't be able to help in that venture.  That would be too nerve racking for me!  He agreed and said that he will take care of that situation.  On the down side, that's another $650 for ART to house our Frozen Swimmers.  =(  We just paid $400 back in November to start the banking process.  I will not complain too much, because God has been so good to provide for us during this journey.  Every time I've started to worry about the finances of the situation, I've prayed and God responded. 

It's a GREAT day.

But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you. Acts 1:8

Today was a great morning at church.  Brandon and I woke up early because of the neighbor's little dog barking in our window, but we got up and made the best of the situation.  We saw 6 kids baptized at church today.  God is good.

Brandon went to the RE Friday morning to give his sample.  They were able to freeze 2 vials from what he produced!  His count was 6 mil, with 33% motility and over 14% morphology.  His numbers were BETTER than what we had fresh+frozen combined for the IUI.  God is the HEALER!  We are going to schedule another "appointment" for  him to go in this week to see what we get.  =)

We had a full moon this week and I feel like I ovulated early.  I saw a temperature shift on my chart and even felt O pain.  It's crazy how the moon can affect us.  I'm only CD9 today, but am hoping that I'll see a clear shift BBT wise soon. 

I'm ready for the next cycle.  I will share more on the next IUI.  I will ask for MORE prayer on the next IUI.  I will not see talking about infertility and assisted reproduction as taboo and share more openly that Brandon and I are trying to achieve parenthood. 

On another note, I cannot let go of my positive pregnancy test.  What can I do with it besides sticking it in a drawer.  I know that I was only pregnant for a short time, but I would like to do something special with it to always remember.  Any suggestions?

Next step in the plan

I apologize for not updating my blog last night.  Yesterday was exhausting and I just needed rest once I got home.

Our appointment started by yet another new intern coming in asking us if we were pregnant.  Had she even read my chart before walking in the room?!?  As she saw the flames come out of my ears I yelled, "Umm no, I'm pretty sure I had a chemical."  Needless to say, my interactions with her didn't go over well and she did NOT come back in when Dr. Bates came in to talk to us.  =)  I'm OVER UAB and having to meet another new flipping intern at each visit.  

Dr. Bates started talking to us about the protocol from our first IUI.  We were disappointed that they thawed some of our frozen sperm without consulting us prior to me being spread eagle on the exam table.  Also, when I discussed with him that I started my period at 11 dpiui, he simply said that happens with medicated cycles.  He further explained that on Clomid, women typically have a LONGER LP, and with Femara it's SHORTER.  That was all he wanted to say about that.  I had my charts with me showing that my LPs have been pretty inconsistent.  I WILL be on Progesterone supplements if we do another IUI.  At least Sheri (SIL) has some from a leftover cycle.

Here's to the fun stuff.  While we were waiting on Dr. Bates to come in and talk, Brandon had a profound thought!  There's barely even a difference between his pre-chemo frozen sperm and his fresh sperm- they're both LOW.  He asked if we could start banking more sperm from now until the next IUI so we'll have more to work with on the day of insemination.  At the moment, we only have 3 vials of our frozen sperm left.  That's extremely scary to us and the doctor.  He gave us a good storage rate because we're only having to do this due to Brandon's previous cancer.  Brandon's going back tomorrow morning to give his "sample."  Dr. Bates himself said that he would look at it while Brandon's still there to give him the numbers and if it's adequate to freeze.  Now we just have to pray that the numbers are sufficient enough to freeze and use in a future IUI. 

Dr. Bates was on board with another IUI in December.  Luckily, they are only closed on Christmas Day and New Year's Day.  =)  Now, I'm only on CD6, so I'm hoping that I have a normal cycle.  I ovulated on CD 17 the cycle immediately after my surgery so that's a kinda good sign.  I'm temping this cycle and may invest in a few cheap OPKs to keep me occupied.  Sheri has challenged me to use this cycle to our benefit.  We'll be "trying" this month.  We could be one of those stories where the couple gets prego on their own at home, right?!?  Who knows, I mean, I have a new pretty uterus!

So now we pray.  I'm praying for good sperm tomorrow, a good cycle this month, and 6 frozen sperm popsicles to give me my Christmas present because children are the greatest gift we can receive from God.