Tough Decisions

When dealing with infertility, some issues never truly go away. Brandon and I are pregnant and we are still faced with difficult decisions...

When I began writing about our fertility journey, I knew that I wanted to share EVERYTHING.  It's not often that you find a blogger as candid as myself who discloses their identity.  I hope that in the bearing of my soul on this space, someone else will find answers, comfort, and information to help them along their own pathway to parenthood.

Last week we received a letter in the mail from ART regarding our frozen sperm (11 vials).  The likelihood of us using them is slim to none.  Yes, we attempted one IUI in October 2011, but it did not end well for us.  Both the doctors at UAB and ART agreed that IVF is the best way for us to conceive.  In an IUI attempt, we would need to use both fresh and frozen samples (from Brandon) combined to get an adequate amount of swimmers for success.  All the while having four frozen embryos, neither of us want to go down the IUI road again.

Brandon and I had to think hard about this situation.  Obviously there is a cost to keep them preserved.  The cost for keeping our little swimmers on ice is $600 per year.  We also have to pay the same fee for our little frozen embies.  It's only money, but it felt like a wasted expense when we will most likely never need the frozen sperm.  In the likelihood that our attempts at another pregnancy fail with the remaining four embryos (through FET)... I can't even imagine.  The thought of another pregnancy and child is not so far out of our minds at the moment.  BUT we will cross that bridge when we get there.  In the event that two FETs fail, Brandon and I would then have to decide if we wanted to attempt IVF again.  In the event of pursuing the process again starting with IVF, I am positive that we would be able to retrieve enough sperm for ICSI.  That was truly the only worry that Brandon and I had.

Being pregnant with Elliana now and having to make these decisions brought up so many feelings that I've not experienced in quite some time.  Whether Brandon and I attempt to become pregnant again seems selfish at the moment.  I am forever thankful to God for the gift of Elliana.  At the moment I cannot wrap my head around the idea of fertility treatment again with a child.  I know that's because I don't need to worry about that yet.  Brandon and I will both know when it's time to get back on the infertility roller coaster again.

I delivered the paperwork to destroy and discard our frozen sperm on Friday while I was at Brookwood.  I highly doubt that anyone would benefit from using our little frozen guys or Brandon and I would have discussed donation.

Thank you for staying with me through this post.  I know that I've not talked as much about my fears and anxiety through this pregnancy because I haven't had any.  I'm not like most of the women who still have apprehension through their pregnancy after overcoming infertility.  I lost that feeling weeks ago and I pray that my other infertility sisters can feel the same peace.  BUT having to watch Brandon sign the paperwork and then deliver it brought me back to that dark place.

Great Monday

I just had my 2nd Menopur shot. It burned even more than the first one, but it only lasted about a minute.  It helps that I keep my eyes closed and Brandon talks me through the entire process.  I don't like needles, and it usually doesn't hurt if I'm not watching.  The actual stick doesn't hurt as much as him pushing the medicine in. 

I had a GREAT day at work today.  This particular medicine has awesome side effects, or maybe it's just all the prayer! =)  My energy level was definitely up today.  I sold a LOT of pretty jewelry! 

My ultrasound in at 7:30am on Wednesday, and they said that I can come in at 7am on Friday for my IUI since I need to get back to work.  I'll have to make sure and send a sweet card after the holidays for all that they've done for me this cycle!  =)

Next step in the plan

I apologize for not updating my blog last night.  Yesterday was exhausting and I just needed rest once I got home.

Our appointment started by yet another new intern coming in asking us if we were pregnant.  Had she even read my chart before walking in the room?!?  As she saw the flames come out of my ears I yelled, "Umm no, I'm pretty sure I had a chemical."  Needless to say, my interactions with her didn't go over well and she did NOT come back in when Dr. Bates came in to talk to us.  =)  I'm OVER UAB and having to meet another new flipping intern at each visit.  

Dr. Bates started talking to us about the protocol from our first IUI.  We were disappointed that they thawed some of our frozen sperm without consulting us prior to me being spread eagle on the exam table.  Also, when I discussed with him that I started my period at 11 dpiui, he simply said that happens with medicated cycles.  He further explained that on Clomid, women typically have a LONGER LP, and with Femara it's SHORTER.  That was all he wanted to say about that.  I had my charts with me showing that my LPs have been pretty inconsistent.  I WILL be on Progesterone supplements if we do another IUI.  At least Sheri (SIL) has some from a leftover cycle.

Here's to the fun stuff.  While we were waiting on Dr. Bates to come in and talk, Brandon had a profound thought!  There's barely even a difference between his pre-chemo frozen sperm and his fresh sperm- they're both LOW.  He asked if we could start banking more sperm from now until the next IUI so we'll have more to work with on the day of insemination.  At the moment, we only have 3 vials of our frozen sperm left.  That's extremely scary to us and the doctor.  He gave us a good storage rate because we're only having to do this due to Brandon's previous cancer.  Brandon's going back tomorrow morning to give his "sample."  Dr. Bates himself said that he would look at it while Brandon's still there to give him the numbers and if it's adequate to freeze.  Now we just have to pray that the numbers are sufficient enough to freeze and use in a future IUI. 

Dr. Bates was on board with another IUI in December.  Luckily, they are only closed on Christmas Day and New Year's Day.  =)  Now, I'm only on CD6, so I'm hoping that I have a normal cycle.  I ovulated on CD 17 the cycle immediately after my surgery so that's a kinda good sign.  I'm temping this cycle and may invest in a few cheap OPKs to keep me occupied.  Sheri has challenged me to use this cycle to our benefit.  We'll be "trying" this month.  We could be one of those stories where the couple gets prego on their own at home, right?!?  Who knows, I mean, I have a new pretty uterus!

So now we pray.  I'm praying for good sperm tomorrow, a good cycle this month, and 6 frozen sperm popsicles to give me my Christmas present because children are the greatest gift we can receive from God.  

IUI today

We had the IUI this morning.  As soon as we got there, Brandon went on back and gave his sample.  After what seemed like forever, they were ready for us.  We had to sign a paper saying we wanted the IUI to happen and I went and got undressed for the procedure.  After I was "spread eagle" on the table, Dr. Bates came in.  As he was about to insert the speculum, he told us that Brandon's fresh sample had very few good sperm at all.  They unfroze 2 vials of his banked sperm (from 10 years ago) and only got 4 million to inseminate with.  He did not sound uplifting at all.  He actually told us that if this doesn't work, we need to consider IVF next.

I'm trying to stay positive and imagine just one sperm making it there.  I cried on the table and have felt just sad all day.  He definitely could have presented the information in a different way or something.

I'll post more when I'm not so down about the whole procedure.

Trigger day!!!

Brandon is going to give me the HCG shot this evening at 8pm!  I'm so excited!

We slept in this morning and went to the late service at church.  They gave us our certificates for joining and introduced us to the entire congregation.  The pastor prayed over us and asked God to be with us during this special time.  The people there who know about our IUI this week are extremely excited for us and very uplifting.

After church, we went to see Papa Jo at the rehab center (he just had a knee replacement).  We told B's mother about the IUI this week and she seemed excited.  I called my mom today and told her as well.  At first, I hadn't wanted too many family members to know to protect them and myself from having to deliver any unwanted news.  I guess I'd rather them be in the loop and a part of the process.

After my nap this afternoon I remembered that we needed to "do the dance" and had no PreSeed.  I made B drive me to CVS in my pajamas to buy sperm friendly lube.  =)

Remember the Jeff Foxworthy "You might be a redneck" jokes?  I've got one for all you TTCers our there.  You might be TTC if you wake up and go out in public half asleep in mismatched clothing to purchase lube for scheduled intercourse.

Follicle Check

We had our follicle check yesterday, and I'm responding well to Femara.  On my left ovary, I had 2 larger follicles at 13mm and 14mm.  I had 7 smaller ones on the right ovary.  They scheduled me to come back in Saturday morning for another ultrasound at 7:30.  I'm hoping that we'll measure 18mm by then (since they should grow 2mm each day).  My lining was only 6mm, but my SIL and the DRs assured me that it will have thickened up by then.  Brandon picked up my trigger shot yesterday and he will administer that to me on Saturday evening. 

We sold our tickets to the Bama game since it's a late kick-off.  Brandon did not feel comfortable at all with having to prepare my shot and give it to me around 80,000+ other people.  =)  We're so excited!  Right now, we're scheduling to do the IUI on Monday morning. 

I talked to Brandon about my idea about the pregnancy journal and he's on board.  We're both going to write a letter to our baby on the day of insemination.  He thought it was a good idea too.  =) 

I can't believe that we've made it this far.  I now have so much respect for women who have to struggle with fertiilty issues and for those who battle this for years.  My sanity has been rattled for the past 1.5 years and that 1.5 years is nothing in comparison to what most women must conquer.

Joined a new church

Today is CD8.  I took my last Femara yesterday.  The hot flashes were rough, and to make matters worse, our a/c went out at work.  At least I wasn't alone in my misery (haha). 

Brandon and I had been visiting a new church for the past 3 Sundays.  Today, we attended a get-together at the pastor's house and decided to become members.  We both feel like we fit there and are excited to meet new people. 

My ultrasound and follicle check is on Thursday!  I'm super excited and cannot wait to go forward with the IUI.  It's all coming together.

I've been a bad blogger..

I have so much to update on!!  AF arrived Sunday afternoon, and today is CD3 for me!  I started taking Femara today and will continue taking it until Saturday.  I talked to LeeAnn (my nurse) yesterday and she seems to think we'll be doing the IUI on either Saturday or Sunday, October 22-23.

I can't believe that we've made it this far.  The past few months have been brutal having to "wait"  all of the time.  Hopefully I won't have too many side effects from the Femara.  All I remember from the last time was the awful headaches.  
 

Closer to IUI

Hopefully, I'll start a new cycle by the end of this week!  It's all starting to feel real again.  This month, exactly a year ago, we became serious about TTC a baby.  Never in my life did I think it would take so long!  I just assumed that people got pregnant after a few months.  Boy was I wrong!  Haha! 

I feel like AF will arrive on either Friday or Saturday.  We're going to the Bama game on Saturday, so I'd rather start Friday at work and feel yucky there.  I'll go ahead and call in my Rx for Femara and start that next week.  Hopefully I can try and stay positive from here on out!!

Made it to the weekend

• Brandon came home last night! 
• The boss and I made it through our busy day yesterday just the two of us. 
• I'm starting to feel better.

B is going to the Bama game with our neighbor today.  I knew I wouldn't be up to walking that much and standing all day, so I'm going to work.  At least we close early on Saturdays and typically aren't as busy during football season.  After work, I'm hoping to go to the tanning bed, grab dinner, and come home and watch a movie before falling asleep. 

I go back to the RE on September 26 to talk in length about how the surgery went and my protocol for the upcoming IUI.  =)  I'm so excited!  I feel much better now and am just hoping to ovulate this cycle.  Hopefully it will happen on it's own, even with all of the Rx I've taken for this sinus infection. 

Surgery

I went back to see the RE on Wednesday.  He feels positive that it's a septate uterus.  I am scheduled for surgery Thursday, June 30.  At the moment, I'm excited that it's so close!  We were afraid that it wouldn't be until July or later.  The recovery time isn't too long, so I'll hopefully have a medicated IUI cycle around August! 

Dr. Bates started me on BCP to keep my lining thin for the surgery.  Thus far I've had little or no side effects. My stomach is cramping this morning, but I'm not sure if it's nerves or the BCP.  It hit me this morning that I was supposed to have my IUI today.  I just feel that I was so close to being a mother and it was stolen from me.  I know the risks that were involved with conceiving with a septate uterus and it's better that I'm not pregnant right now.

Maybe work will be busy today so I don't have to think about "what might have been."  I'm asking God for patience and understanding today. 

Anniversary and Waiting til Wednesday

Today is our 2nd Wedding Anniversary and we've been together for 4 years.  =) We spent Friday, Saturday, and part of Sunday at B's parent's lake house.

We had a nice time and got to relax in the sun.  I would have LOVED to go to the beach, but it just wasn't feasible with our added expenses of fertility stuff. 

My HSG last Wednesday wasn't as bad as I thought.  It was not comfortable at all, but the DRs and nurses were GREAT with me.  My tubes were all clear, BUT my uterus didn't look right. =(  At the time they were not sure if it was a bicornuate uterus, OR if there was a septum there.  After the ultrasound today, they think that it's a septum--see picture on the left. 


So,  it looks like I'll not be having the IUI this cycle.  I see Dr. Bates on Wednesday.  We'll possibly do another ultrasound if he wants to look himself, although the lady today was positive that it was a septum.  They'll do a laparoscopy to remove the septum, and recovery time is supposed to be quick.  =)  

I'm a little discouraged that I won't be pregnant this  month, but I'd rather get pregnant and have a healthy baby. The risks associated with the bicornuate were scary and I could NOT imagine getting pregnant and losing my child.

Now I just have to make it to Wednesday to figure out our game plan. =)