First Outing

When we got home from the hospital, there was a receipt that I had received a certified letter.  Today was the first day that I felt well enough to skip pain medicine and hop in the car with Miss Ellie.  The post office is only about two miles away and we made it there and back with no hicuups! Whew!

The certified letter was regarding our four remaining frozen embryos at ART.  In the past I've been so hesitant to even let myself think that I would want more children.  I can handle the aches and pains of being pregnant, but the heartache of infertility is a whole other story.  You don't forget that.  After the past ten days with daughter there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that we will try again.  I don't know when, because there is so much preparation and money involved.  Right now I am just enjoying loving on my precious daughter.

Here is a video of our little girl with the hicuups! We're so in love with her, but we're kinda partial.

I serve an amazing, mighty, and powerful God.

My First Mother's Day

You would think that I would have been looking forward to this day all week.  Don't get me wrong, I have!  I had a realization earlier this week that I didn't have to be sad on this Mother's Day.  Elliana may not be here yet but I am a Mother.  I don't have to skip church or hide from Facebook today.

Last year Brandon and I escaped to the beach with Brian and Sheri on Mother's Day weekend.  I had just finished a crazy week at work and also received my IVF calendar in the mail.  I keep recounting all that we were going through this time last year.

When we have infant baptisms at church now, I only cry because I can just see Brandon and I standing before the church dedicating our own child to the Lord.  So much has changed, but I still feel scarred from what we endured to get here.  I feel guilt for wanting my water to break or contractions to start.  I feel bad for wanting the pregnancy to end so I can meet Ellie.  I should still enjoy being pregnant, but my anticipation builds each day that we get closer to our due date.  I am grateful for the gift of pregnancy because of Elliana, but my body is so tired and nothing could have prepared me for this part of the journey.

Coming home from dinner last night I told Brandon that it still doesn't seem quite real.  Nine months have flown by and he and I have gotten used to seeing my belly grow larger each week.  Feeling her kick and jab has become common.  My bladder stays full, and I'm just getting used to people staring at my tummy and asking me when she's due.  But she is real; an answered prayer.  She will be here soon and our lives will change forever.  I've always hated that statement, but it's true.  It won't be just the two of us anymore.

For me, it was never about just having a baby.  I truly realized that yesterday while we were at lunch and little six year old girl's eyes caught mine.  Then we were at the store and I saw a girl about the same age grocery shopping with her mom.  Having a baby is going to be amazing, but I can't wait for ALL of it.  The tea parties, birthdays, shopping trips, and even the fights.  I can't wait to see Brandon dance with his little girl and teach her about superheroes.  I cannot believe that God trusted us with this gift of a child.  As hard as it would have been, I would have still loved Him if we never had a baby of our own.  Today I am thankful to celebrate this Mother's Day knowing that Elliana can be here any day now.  Thank you, God.  You are so good and I continue to be amazed by your love.

Happy Mother's Day to all of the women in my life.  All women are mothers in their own right.  God provided me many opportunities to "mother."  My prayers today are with all of the women longing to be mothers.

The Wide Spectrum of Mothering

To those who gave birth this year to their first child—we celebrate with you 

To those who lost a child this year – we mourn with you 

To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food

stains – we appreciate you 

To those who experienced loss through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away—we mourn with you To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and

disappointment – we walk with you. Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don’t mean to make this harder than it is 

To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you 

To those who have warm and close relationships with your children – we celebrate with you 

To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children – we sit with you 

To those who lost their mothers this year – we grieve with you 

To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother – we acknowledge your experience 

To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of motherhood – we are better for having you in our midst 

To those who have aborted children - we remember them and you on this day

To those who are single and long to be married and mothering your own children - we mourn

that life has not turned out the way you longed for it to be 

To those who step-parent - we walk with you on these complex paths 

To those who envisioned lavishing love on grandchildren, yet that dream is not to be - we

grieve with you 

To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year – we grieve and rejoice with you 

To those who placed children up for adoption – we commend you for your selflessness and

remember how you hold that child in your heart 

And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising –we anticipate with you This Mother’s Day, we walk with you. 

Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have real warriors in our midst. 

We remember you.

Amy Young

Trying to Conceive and Thoughts for Elliana

It's easy to reflect on our past journey now that Elliana is almost here.  Part of me knew that we would get pregnant, but I had no idea how long it would take.  Sometimes I feel guilty that we responded so well with IVF and that our first FET was successful.  There are so many other women who are still trying to get pregnant after multiple IVF attempts.

Why did it work for us so quickly?  

I began writing on this blog in 2010.  After about five posts or so it became a blog about us trying to get pregnant.  Most of the writing was me hopeless month after month of seeing negative HPTs.  I had no readers and didn't really share my blog with people that I knew in real life.  The address was listed under my information on Facebook, but I wasn't sure that anyone even noticed it.  Through Fertility Friend and other online communities my readership grew and now I'm nearing 100,000 page views.  Who knew that anyone was reading my words from a small town in Alabama.

Now I look at this blog as a gift to Elliana.  My prayer is that she never encounters difficulty when she's ready to start her family.  But I also want her to know that her life was planned and we desperately hoped and prayed for her.  All life is a gift, but I cannot help but know that her life will be full of meaning.  God must have good things in store for her.  I hope that our story continues through her and does not end with her birth.  Elliana will be told from an early age what it took to conceive her.  Who knows if we will ever have another child.  I try to think about having more children, but my mind cannot even comprehend going through more treatment even though we still have four frozen embryos waiting.  

Pregnancy has been no cake walk for me, but it hasn't been unbearable either.  I've never believed women who said they enjoyed every second of their pregnancy anyways.  I'm completely miserable these days, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.  This hidden basketball of a belly under my shirt is what I longed for in the early days of this blog.  

In this last month of pregnancy I am finding myself sentimental and full of thoughts that I want to capture in prose before they escape me.  

--------------------

Elliana,

You are my Joy.  

I will never be a perfect parent, but I will be the perfect mother for you.  God chose to give you to us, and I promise to always protect you.  I vow to love God first, love your Daddy second, and then love you.  I will not make you an idol that I worship, but love you more than you will ever understand until you have children of your own.

Mom.

Join the Movement and Break the Silence

Why do so many couples remain silent about their infertility issues?  Because I've always been an open book, I do not see how someone could keep it secret.

My husband and I knew early on in our marriage that we wanted to have children.  Because of his past history with Testicular Cancer we knew that we may encounter difficulty but had no idea what was in store for us.  In June 2010 I threw out my birth control and we were ready to  begin "trying."  Prepared with my basal body thermometer and charting software I thought we would be pregnant in no time. Boy was I wrong...

Nothing could have prepared us for the following years.  I will be the first to admit that we had it easier than others.  Our journey only lasted around two years, but those two years were difficult.  So many others struggle much longer only to remain childless.  Our pathway included much anxiety, depression, anger, and all around hopelessness.  We went through  much testing to realize that I also carried half of our infertility burden.  We became pregnant after our first Frozen Embryo Transfer that followed a severe case of OHSS during IVF, two surgeries, a uterine seprtum diagnosis, Endometriosis diagnosis, and one chemical pregnancy.  In those two years our marriage strengthened and grew.  We were luckier than others and drew closer to one another and God in our grief.

Instead of keeping our infertility problems secret, we chose to be open.  When interviewing for a new job, I told my employer that we were trying to get pregnant.  Once I was hired and months passed by it was obvious that something was going on to my boss.  He was more than supportive and always told me that expanding my family came first.  Our families knew that we desperately wanted to begin our family.  We often encountered the typical responses of "you have plenty of time" but we brushed it off.  As we began to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist we made sure that our family and friends knew we would most likely not achieve pregnancy on our own.

My Dad could not understand how he and my mother had me so easily yet I could not get pregnant.  My Mom secretly hid her grief of my infertility to stay strong for me.  They have never told me, but I believe that my parents felt guilt and sadness that they could not help me have the only thing I've ever wanted. 

Looking back I know that our journey would have been different had we not chosen to share our infertility journey.  We received much unwanted and unsolicited advice, but it was only from well-meaning  individuals who cared about us.  In sharing, I was able to help other women around me through my blog with their own infertility burdens.  The relationships that I have now in the infertility community are strong and I could not have made it this far without them.

Our daughter, Elliana Joy Boyington, is due on May 25, 2013.  The name "Elliana" means "The Lord Responded" and that He did.  We will forever be grateful for the gift of her because we prayed for this child like so many other couples facing infertility.

For more information you may visit the following links:
Basic understanding of the disease of infertility
About NIAW

Jesus: The Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me

This shared post on Facebook caught my eye.  

I am thrilled to be pregnant, carrying my daughter and first born child.  I think everyone who knows Brandon and myself are pretty sure that we're over the moon excited about becoming parents.  BUT is life less meaningful without children?  I do not think it is.  Brandon and I struggled greatly when trying to conceive, but we still had children in our lives.  We volunteered in the nursery at church to hold the babies and the parents allowed us to love on their children.  It may not be exactly the same, but we both could attempt to fill that void by helping our friends with their kids.

He settles the childless woman in her home as a happy mother of children.  

Psalm 113:9

While we did not have children, God provided so many little ones in our lives for us to love.  I feel like Brandon and I are surrogate uncle and aunt to so many children that were put in our lives for a reason.  Everyone is different, but I wanted to be around children when we were struggling.  It made me feel better to hold a tiny baby or chase toddlers.  Even spending time with older kids consoled my heart.

So this brings me to the photo I saw on Facebook yesterday.  I know that my heart will be overjoyed when Elliana is born and placed upon my chest.  I will marvel at her beautiful face and kiss her little hands and toes.  Brandon and I will rejoice together with smiles and tears at the beautiful gift God has given to us.  She will be a constant reminder of our faith and hope in God.  It will be difficult to not think of all the families longing to become parents.  That's why these photos that circulate the internet sting.  My heart can only imagine having seen this picture a year ago and the tears that would have fallen.

At first this photo enraged me.  It seemed hurtful to me because I thought of all of my friends still living without children.  My friends who have pursued infertility treatment and are still without children.  My friends who have gone through adoption scenarios to be left unmatched.  The image left me bitter thinking about how unfair the world is and that it's not right to say that having your children is the best thing that ever happened to you. After dwelling on the premise behind this picture I was able to see the big picture.

Being a believer, the best thing that ever happened to me was Jesus coming into my life.  

He sought after me when I ran so many times from Him.  Our infertility journey once more brought me back to Him and I have not wanted to run this time.  God made the ultimate sacrifice sending His only son to die for us and provide us with eternal life and salvation.  Without our (Brandon and myself) faith in God, our journey would be meaningless.  From the moment we let God in and trusted Him with our situation everything changed.  Our journey remained difficult, but we knew that while we could not see the big picture, God could.  His love for us demonstrates true love between a parent and child.  While we ran from him trying to do it all on our own, he continued to pursue us.  He loved us so much to entrust us with this journey knowing that we would share with everyone the great things He has done for us.

So yes, I do know that being pregnant is a miracle of a gift.  I will love my little girl to pieces once she's here.  But she will not be defined as the best thing that ever happened to me.  My life won't begin and end with her.  

April Fool's Day for the Infertile

There are many difficult days in the life of a couple facing infertility.  Going to the grocery store, doctor's offices, and to church can be brutal.  It's not like you can become a hermit and not face the world outside your home.

I was exposed to infertility through my sister-in-law's journey to conceive when I first met Brandon.  She was so open to share with me, but I still did not understand her feelings and desire to have a child.  It took Brandon and I being married and experiencing month after month of negative pregnancy tests to finally know how she felt.  Our two journeys were so different, but we both pursued IVF to expand our families.  She endure multiple attempts along the way to conceive her now almost 4 year old son.

Brandon and I were lucky in our journey that our first FET attempt was successful.  There are no "givens" when going through treatment, and you're constantly hoping and praying to be one of the positive statistics.

That brings me to this day.  I love practical jokes as much as the next person, but joking about being on pregnant on April Fool's Day is cruel.  On this day last year, I had just recovered from my second reproductive surgery and was waiting through a 6-week time period to begin IVF.  Our initial plan to start the IVF process had already been cancelled and both Brandon and myself were devastated.  When I saw on Facebook that day that people who I knew were joking about being pregnant...  wow.  There are no words.    Would you joke about having cancer?  Would you joke about having any other disease?  Most individuals who have not struggled to conceive children have no idea that INFERTILITY IS DEFINED AS A DISEASE OF THE REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM by the World Health Organization (WHO).

I gave up Facebook for Lent and it was easier than I had imagined.  Writing here is more important to me.  I've struggled about making too many posts (on FB) about being pregnant, because those posts broke my heart when we were trying to get pregnant.  There are no ultrasound pictures or intentional pregnancy bump photos of myself on my page.  I have chosen to keep all of that within my blog.  My readers/followers must choose to look at my posts or pictures.  It doesn't hurt my feelings to lose a follower because I've "unfollowed" my fair share of blogs throughout the course of our infertility journey.

Just because I am pregnant and awaiting my daughter's arrival does not mean that I am still not plagued with negative thoughts from infertility each day.  It's not something that you just get over.  There's no magical cure-not even having a child.  

Tough Decisions

When dealing with infertility, some issues never truly go away. Brandon and I are pregnant and we are still faced with difficult decisions...

When I began writing about our fertility journey, I knew that I wanted to share EVERYTHING.  It's not often that you find a blogger as candid as myself who discloses their identity.  I hope that in the bearing of my soul on this space, someone else will find answers, comfort, and information to help them along their own pathway to parenthood.

Last week we received a letter in the mail from ART regarding our frozen sperm (11 vials).  The likelihood of us using them is slim to none.  Yes, we attempted one IUI in October 2011, but it did not end well for us.  Both the doctors at UAB and ART agreed that IVF is the best way for us to conceive.  In an IUI attempt, we would need to use both fresh and frozen samples (from Brandon) combined to get an adequate amount of swimmers for success.  All the while having four frozen embryos, neither of us want to go down the IUI road again.

Brandon and I had to think hard about this situation.  Obviously there is a cost to keep them preserved.  The cost for keeping our little swimmers on ice is $600 per year.  We also have to pay the same fee for our little frozen embies.  It's only money, but it felt like a wasted expense when we will most likely never need the frozen sperm.  In the likelihood that our attempts at another pregnancy fail with the remaining four embryos (through FET)... I can't even imagine.  The thought of another pregnancy and child is not so far out of our minds at the moment.  BUT we will cross that bridge when we get there.  In the event that two FETs fail, Brandon and I would then have to decide if we wanted to attempt IVF again.  In the event of pursuing the process again starting with IVF, I am positive that we would be able to retrieve enough sperm for ICSI.  That was truly the only worry that Brandon and I had.

Being pregnant with Elliana now and having to make these decisions brought up so many feelings that I've not experienced in quite some time.  Whether Brandon and I attempt to become pregnant again seems selfish at the moment.  I am forever thankful to God for the gift of Elliana.  At the moment I cannot wrap my head around the idea of fertility treatment again with a child.  I know that's because I don't need to worry about that yet.  Brandon and I will both know when it's time to get back on the infertility roller coaster again.

I delivered the paperwork to destroy and discard our frozen sperm on Friday while I was at Brookwood.  I highly doubt that anyone would benefit from using our little frozen guys or Brandon and I would have discussed donation.

Thank you for staying with me through this post.  I know that I've not talked as much about my fears and anxiety through this pregnancy because I haven't had any.  I'm not like most of the women who still have apprehension through their pregnancy after overcoming infertility.  I lost that feeling weeks ago and I pray that my other infertility sisters can feel the same peace.  BUT having to watch Brandon sign the paperwork and then deliver it brought me back to that dark place.

My Weekend in Pictures

Weekends are never quite long enough, but at least I only work two days a week now.  Be jealous!  Just kidding, but I do a LOT when I'm at home now.  With Brandon still on the no-carb diet through the week there's not much cooking to do so I've been working on cleaning and organizing EVERYTHING!

My back is still aching every morning--it's day 23 of the continued wake-me-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night with severe pain, but who's counting?  On Saturday I was able to do something nice for Brandon since he eats carbs on the weekend.  I broke out the waffle iron!

Seriously, I woke up at 6 am on Saturday morning and played music for Elliana for over an hour.  Again, she so has my taste in music.  She really enjoyed Johnny Cash but that's another post entirely.  By 7:30 I couldn't stand it and I woke Brandon up to hot waffles.  (We don't sleep in around here) He was excited to say the least.

Big Ron's (Brandon's Dad) birthday is this Tuesday, but we all got together on Saturday to celebrate.

This is Uncle B's favorite person.  He always makes sure to tell Bryson every time he says good bye.  Now Bryson says it to him too.  It's too precious.  (I even got a kiss on the tummy for Ellie when we left!)

Bryson is getting ready to play t-ball and I cannot wait for his games.  The boys practiced a little out in the yard and it was hilarious!  I have no doubt that Bryson will be every bit athletic as his Daddy and Uncle B!

We built a fire on the porch which KILLED my throat, but it was worth it.  (My throat was sore all day on Sunday.)  We sat around watching Bryson play and sharing old stories.  I'm amazed that Gina and Stephanie turned out alright sometimes after hearing how Brandon and Brian played with them when they were little.  Even Brandon says that he's horrified of how he threw them around playing when they were little.  Because Brandon spent so much time with his sisters when they were little, I have no doubt that he will be braiding hair, putting in hair bows, having tea parties, and only letting Ellie watch superhero cartoons very soon.

Next year Poppa will have Bryson and Ellie in his lap to blow out the birthday candles.  I can't wait!

On Sunday we went to a little state park only six miles from our house.  We had no idea that it was there.  It has a one mile walking path around a beautiful lake.  It was a beautiful day so after church and lunch we went out there for a walk.  I hope we can make this a Sunday tradition.  I am also proud of myself for making it one mile with NO stops.

One of the great things about living in Alabama is sunny and warm days in February.  I will be working on my tan next month!

Here are two pictures of myself from this morning.  I apologize for the mirror shots, but Brandon left for Mississippi early this morning and won't be back until Wednesday.  He's going back on Thursday but I plan on traveling with him later this week.

27w2d

27w2d

I'm definitely getting bigger and bigger.  My feet are a little bigger and most of my rings don't fit anymore.  My bridal set won't even attempt to go over my knuckle anymore.  At least I was able to wear my favorite rings for this long!

~~~~~~~~

A sweet friend of mine received bad news this morning.  My heart aches and my arms wish that they could reach her.  I'll never truly understand infertility.  Miscarriage is a whole other monster.  I can only pray that she feels comfort on this day.  Heaven welcomed another angel taken entirely too soon.

God's Plan

Every day that we are pregnant is a blessing. Sometimes, neither of us can believe that our frozen transfer worked.  We are still wowed and astonished that we are having a baby.  BUT, this is not where the story ends, nor is it where it begins.

When we started trying to conceive, we had no idea what our journey would entail.  Yes, God is good and we are now pregnant, but the story doesn't end here.

I whole heartedly believe that "in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28).  Brandon and I were stagnant in our Christian walk.  We had been members of a church, but were not growing.  We tried to make it through this journey on our own, but knew that it was impossible.  In the time that we began attending church again and sharing our struggle, we were amazed by God's blessings.

Each time I needed another surgery or procedure, we were consumed with disappointment and hurt, but God used those situations to strengthen us.  Because we chose to share our journey, we were always surrounded with support.  God placed so many amazing people in our life to cheer us on during the difficult times.  They have built us up, prayed over us, and already formed the largest extended family any child will ever know!

"Consider it pure joy, brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance."
James 1:2

"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you.  But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed." 
1 Peter 4: 12-13

I would not trade any of the hardships that Brandon and I have faced in our marriage.  Infertility will not be the last struggle that we will face.  There are likely to be more hurdles and obstacles in our path, but we are prepared to take on any challenge that life throws at us.  With God, all things are possible.
Our story does not end because we are pregnant.  The end result was not that we would conceive a child, but that we would seek God throughout our journey and have faith in HIS plan. 

He hears me when I call

"He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And He hears me when I call."

Why am I letting the negative thoughts creep in?  If God is for us, then who can stand against us?  Today was not a good day for me.  Everything got under my skin, and the enemy was just waiting for me to come unglued.  I stuffed, and I stuffed everything all day, until it all came spu-ing out in a tearful rage.

Up until the past few days, I have felt so much peace about our journey.  When I first saw the two lines on the pregnancy test, I was thrilled.  My beta numbers have been great.  I have all of the pregnancy symptoms, but the fear and anxiety is ever present; hiding in the dark corner of my mind.  I've done such a good job of feeling at peace until now.  Please understand, I do trust God and I trust His plan.  He has everything written.  But I keep thinking too far ahead, instead of just enjoying each day.

Most of you probably think that our journey is over now that we're pregnant.  We still have to see the fertility clinic each week to monitor our progress, and continue medications for some time.  We aren't out of the woods yet.  There's still the threat of the "m-word" which I will not speak.

I promise that I will glorify God no matter what happens.  I've always wanted to keep this blog honest, as a place I can one day reflect, and to help others with their life struggles.  God is good all of the time.  So maybe I wrote this post as a prayer.  God, give me the peace to enjoy each day of my pregnancy with this child.  Help me to trust you.  Help me to exercise self-control in moments of weakness when I feel that I am coming unglued.

Ladies First- Infertility Support continued

The evening continued with a presentation of answers from previously recorded surveys.  On Monday evening, each woman in that room had been affected by infertility.  As I looked around the room, I did not feel threatened or discouraged.  No one had their infertility score card out.  These women attended with the sole purpose to provide support to others. n When I'm reading on certain infertility forums, I often like each woman is always trying to explain how her infertility is "worse" than someone else's.  Each and every couple's journey is different.  Whether we have struggled for one year or ten years, we hurt nonetheless.

Sidenote/ random thought:  
I know that Resolve has a chapter of infertility support that meets in Birmingham, but I have never thought about attending.  Honestly, I was afraid of the women I may encounter there.  For so long, I was in a drak place when it came to our fertility struggle.  I don't want to EVER go back there.  Along with that, many people seek counseling while seeking infertility treatment.  Brandon and I have not sought formal counseling, but we have talked and kept open communication with so many people in our faith family at church.  I know that these infertility counselors seek much training to help in these particular types of situations, but they are not able to provide biblical support like my church does.

I was gladdened to hear many women talk about the doctors at ART.  We have been patients there for nine months, and it's always assuring to hear more success stories!  Also, one of the ladies present was a customer that visits me at work.  She and I had talked before about struggling to conceive.  It just proves that Jesus' love is everywhere.

There is talk about forming a group for infertility support.  It will be open to all, regardless of their church home.  As it forms, I plan to invite women from my church as well.  Once I know more details, I will share here.  This is part of what God called for me to accomplish.

Ladies First- Infertility Support

I have never attended a support group of any kind... until Monday evening.  A sweet friend told me about a women's meeting that was going to discuss infertility.  I was intrigued immediately.  My church has went above and beyond in terms of support, but we have only focused on the topic of infertility when Brandon and I are delivering the information.  I do plan on changing that in the near future. ;)

Before arriving, I was super nervous.  I have no idea why.  Shockingly enough, I am nervous when it comes to meeting new people (I know- hard to believe!).  The evening opened up with all of the women drawing a simple gourd.  We used water colors to paint the image; blending bright and light colors.  As the picture came to fruition, I saw a mother holding a child.  Not knowing if I was the only one seeing it, I asked someone else and they saw it as well.  

Here is my gourd.
I'm no artist, but each time I look at this I am reminded of a mother holding a child
and of the life I pray that is growing inside of me.

This opening exercise had all of the women talking, and was demonstrated to remind us that there is always life inside of you.....pregnant or not.

Infertility Support

Last night, I attended an infertility support group at First UMC of Alabaster with a friend and many new friends.

Rather than me give a synopsis of the night's discussion, I want to first share this:

"As one sister suffers, we all suffer."  

I promise to post more about this evening in the coming days.  I still need to gather my thoughts about how God was moving through all of the women present.  

Today's the Day

This is it!

I didn't think I would be able to go to sleep last night.  Brandon has slept on the couch the past two nights because his sinuses have been bothering him.  It was his decision, not mine-promise!  He's been terrified of me getting sick these past few days.  I did wake up an hour early this morning because I was so excited.  I'm sure I'll pay for that later today.

At church last night several people stayed around after bible study to pray over us.  Terry (our pastor) anointed our heads with oil as everyone gathered around, laying hands on us.  Surprisingly enough, I didn't cry, but felt peace.  That is something that I know many women are lacking on the eve of their transfers.  At this moment, I truly believe that this endeavor will provide us with a healthy pregnancy.  There's no room for any other negative thought.

If for some reason this transfer doesn't end with a pregnancy and take-home baby, I know that I will be upset.  Anyone would.  But I feel like God has given me a glimpse of the big picture.  I know that I am lucky to have found my purpose-my calling.  I wouldn't wish infertility on anyone, but it has brought me so much closer to God and my husband.  Also, I wouldn't be connecting with women throughout the world if I didn't have these struggles.  The Infertility, Pregnancy & Infant Loss, and Adoption community is an amazing network of women.  These ladies build each other up with support and love.  This day would be so much harder to face without them-knowing that they are cheering for me.

My emotions are all over the place.  For those of you who know me IRL, I saw that same Jiff commercial this morning and left the room (I was moved to tears last week)!  No tears earlier, but now I'm all weepy.  I have the good cries.  I have no idea why I even wore eye makeup because I'll have cried it all off by the end of the day.

Thank you for all of the support.  My phone has been going off like crazy all morning.  =)  Y'all are amazing and we couldn't do this without YOU!

Making a GOOD day

Tuesday was a pretty great day. Praise the LORD!

I easily could have let myself lay in bed and cry, and thought about it hard! I slept in until 8am, and didn't get up out of bed until 10am.  I put up countless loads of laundry, did the dishes, cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed the house, and swept the floors in the kitchen and guest bathroom.  Dad and I went to WalMart, grabbed some lunch, and also went to the Calera Farmer's Market. We had On Fire practice at church last night so that distracted me from missing Brandon (He's in Mississippi working and comes home today!)

It was a good day to have a GREAT day.  God continues to give me more things to write about in my DAILY JOURNAL OF BLESSINGS.  Right now I'm just jotting down fragments onto notebook paper, but I may have to find something else!  You might think it strange, but I love tangible evidence of all of the good things happening to not only me, but those around me.

We received the medical bill for my hospital stay.  It was only $500.  We both thought it would be much more and are extremely happy.  Again, I cannot reiterate how good God is.  There is no doubt in my mind that our medical bills will mostly likely total $25,000 for this year alone.  Our medical expenses are adding up to my paycheck.  BUT we are not going without anything.  We're giving out tithe first and moving along from there.
If you don't believe me about the tithe thing, look HERE at my COST page.  Then just try to tell me that God doesn't take care of it. =)

Follow Up Tuesday

We had our follow up appointment with Dr. Allemand this morning.  Brandon had been scheduled to travel to Troy, AL for the day, so Joy had planned on going with me.  At the last minute, B didn't have to travel, but Joy still went with us (She's my person).  I had no idea how I would feel returning to the hospital (since I was admitted last time I was there.)

On the drive there, my tummy started hurting.  I've been having issues since Sunday!  We had to pull over once so I could go to the bathroom.  Please pray that I will begin healing as far as my GI issues are concerned!  This is miserable!  I couldn't stay at work all day yesterday, and am having trouble eating anything at all.  I'm in a constant battle with Dehydration right now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We were barely seated in the waiting room five minutes when they called my name.  Dr. Allemand walked into the exam room and checked out my tummy (as well as my new ink) and said that I looked great.  We talked at length about my emotional issues, GI problems, sleeplessness, and the FET process.  

I am currently CD7 of this cycle of healing.  I will call on CD1 of my next cycle and we will move forward with the FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) from there.  People usually have a 30% chance of pregnancy with FET, but he said that my rates should be higher due to the quality of my embryos.  We will TRANSFER 2 EMBRYOS on the day of our FET.  There is an 80% chance of survival for each embryo during the thawing process.  (We will ask for prayer for the embryos when the thawing process begins). 

My funky socks waiting for my pap and ultrasound

His work is NEVER done. =)  

From my notes, I knew that they would want a pap smear in the month of July if I was not pregnant.  It was AWFUL!  My nurse couldn't find my cervix and Brandon was about to make her stop.  I was crying, but began praying the Benediction aloud and she found it.  The ultrasound (vaginal) was much easier.  She did still see residual fluid, but nothing that looked problematic.  Also there were residual cysts on my ovaries (which is also considered normal right now.)

We did have a copay of $35 today for my visit.  We have an unpaid balance of $460.80 from the IVF/Cryopreservation.  Thankfully, the did not make us pay that part today, but it must be paid in full before we begin the FET process.

Our nurse gave us much paperwork in preparation for the FET:

We stopped by the 2nd floor on our way out.  I had some goodie bags made for three particular nurses who took such great care of me while I was in the hospital.  =)  I only got to see one of them and she recognized me immediately and hugged me.

Janet called and asked to be sure that we wish to thaw and transfer 2 embryos at our transfer.

I came home, popped some popcorn and napped.  I'm exhausted!  Also, I'm leading Bible Study this evening; talking about how God has blessed our fertility struggle.

Sorry this was a LONG post, but I had a lot to say.  =)

FET page

COST

Breakdown

The title says it all.  It happened last night.  I fell apart.  Overwhelmed is the only way to express how I feel.

After work, we went to dinner with Rachel & Clint.  It was a good distraction from my emotions.  We had a great meal at Olive Garden, and we talked about all kinds of things.  B and I enjoy our time with them!  Once we got home, it hit me how tired I had been feeling all day.  I realized that I have not slowed down since I got out of the hospital.  I've felt so busy at home and work.  My boss reiterated that I'm in a marathon that cannot be won in a day.  Brandon and I talked for a while last night and he prayed over me before we went to sleep.  I cried so much last night that I still have bags under my eyes even now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today I woke up trying to make it a good day.  I called Brookwood asking more about the nurses who took care of me.  The girl who I spoke with is also a patient of Dr. Allemand.  She has Stage III Endometriosis and needs another surgery (to remove the endo) before they can attempt an IUI.  She will need injectable medications for her IUI and I hope that it will work out that I can help her by donating my unused Follistim.  It's amazing how God works!

Sarah and I went shopping today and I was able to go ahead and get some shopping done for Christmas.  If I don't get started now, there's no way that we'll be able to afford buying for our family and friends.

Sarah with one of the shirts on sale!

I purchased 16 Christmas gifts today; some were got multiple gifts for the same person.  

I also bought some things for myself!

Here is a shot of the Christmas gift items I purchased!

Also, we all have a love affair with Lilly Pulitzer at work!  

My calendar just arrived!  I was super excited.  

Here is a picture of me with mine and then one of Jenna and myself posing.

And Rachel had to mess around with the camera, so here's a picture of her goofing around.  =)

It may not look like I'm having a hard time in these pictures, but retail therapy and prayer does wonders.  I am surrounded by such great people.  

No Transfer Today; OHSS; In Hospital

We did not do the embryo transfer. My OHSS is worse than expected. One of the nurses did an ultrasound on my belly and it was full of fluid. Dr. Allemand thought it best to have me admitted so that they can put a catheter in my belly to drain the fluid. I am situated with my IV and have been given two Loratab. I'm already feeling a little bit better, but am scared of the drain. As of now, we have 4 AA, 4 AB, and 3 BA quality embryos. They said that we are a candidate for a single embryo transfer. I'm not sure when we'll be able to attempt the Frozen Embryo Transfer, but at least we have great quality embryos. Your prayers are greatly appreciated. I've been in a lot of pain over the past few days and it all makes sense now. We're both obviously upset that our transfer didn't happen today, but we want the best for our future children. God is good all the time. As much as it hurts right now, I know that He has a plan for us.

Blog Hop for Hope

Dandelion Breeze is hosting her second Blog Hop beginning today.  To enter, follow the directions at the end of this post.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A gentle reminder. Thanks to Jen for writing this on my hand yesterday.

I have not been posting much, but have continued to update our IVF Schedule page within my blog.  I guess I haven't really known what to write about.  I did not want to start posting a lot of complaints, so I have held off on writing in general.

Brandon had to travel two nights during this week; Rachel stayed on Wednesday and Joy stayed on Thursday.  Rachel is staying again this evening since Brandon is headed to Atlanta.  Please pray that his travel schedule slows during the next two weeks!  I'm lucky to have great friends who are willing to stay with me and administer injections, but I do miss my husband when he's away.

The Lupron injections were easy in the beginning, but I have now had enough.  My tummy is already growing tired of getting stuck each evening.  Joy administered my injection at church on Thursday evening.  Everyone who was present gathered around and prayed over me.  It provided me with such an overwhelming feeling of peace.  I wish I had that every day.  I have definitely felt all of the prayers being sent our way.  Please, don't stop.  They're working! 

In the past I have posted about my TMJ pain.  Before Brandon and I were married, I visited an orthodontist regularly and was fit with a mouthpiece to wear at night.  I've had two weeks during the past two months where my jaw started aching again.  I tried to ignore it and just take Tylenol for five days but it was not getting any better.  On Thursday afternoon, I went to the doctor and got a cortisone shot.  It was amazing!  The tension in my jaw finally lessened and I was able to talk properly again.  God is so good!

We begin stims (Menopur 75 IU and Follistim 225 IU) tonight along with a lower dose of Lupron (5 IU).  Since Brandon is leaving this afternoon, it's up to Rachel to administer my shots.  I have no doubt that she will take care of me.  

Our next doctor's appointment is scheduled for Thursday, June 14 at 9:45am to begin monitoring my follicle growth.  This entire process is going by more quickly that I had anticipated. 

Our third wedding anniversary is on Wednesday.  I'm still not sure what our plans are.  It may depend on how the new injections are treating me. We are thinking about going out to dinner with some friends after work.  Neither of us feel like we need to go out on some super fancy date alone.  We've been married three years, and have been together for five... we've had plenty of time just the two of us!

Thank you for following our journey.  Thank you for praying for us.  God has been hard at work in our lives.  He is the ultimate giver of Life.  Brandon and I are hoping and praying that his IVF attempt results in the creation of a baby.  If it does not, we will be deeply saddened, but we will not give up.  We will not lose Hope.  God will give us a child in His timing.  

He who calls you is faithful; He will surely do it. 
1 Thessalonians 5:24

Thank you, Paula Mackey for this verse.  It has spoken to me.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To join in my little HopE, suPport & wiShes blogHop the steps are :

1. write a post about the 'HopE, suPport & wiShes' that you've had, or want to have, on your loss/IF journey
2. add the grab button (from the main blogHop page) and/or LinkyToll HTML code to your post, if you want
3. publish your post
4. then add your post URL to the LinkyTool {post URL not main blog URL}, so that others can easily find your blogHop post

All posts that are specifically written about 'HopE, suPport & wiShes' sharing will go into the draw for a US$30 prize from Fran's Small Bird Studio Blog Designs.... and the blogHop will be running all week... so join in whenever you can.

Please don't hesitate to email me on d.lionbreeze@gmail.com if you have any questions at anytime.

This is a Blog Hop!

Suppression Check Passed

We had our suppression check this morning.  Great News: 

I PASSED!

Overall, it was a quick appointment today.  They did the necessary bloodwork and sent me for my ultrasound.  My cyst was still evident on the screen, but it had shrunk in size to 1.6cm.  (Previously, it measured 2.35cm).

Our NP gave me 1200IU of Follistim that had been saved for me since my cancelled cycle in January.  We have not been actively TTC since January.  Wow!  It just occurred to me that it's been that long since we were cycling.  I have no idea how I have made it this long.  And here goes my crazy lady Lupron rant:

Since January I have definitely received much unwanted and unwarranted advice.  I am glad that I chose to make my journey public, but sometimes I wish that people would stop trying to give us advice.  Don't get me wrong, I love when people talk to us about overcoming infertility.  I met a lady from church last week who introduced me to her twins conceived via IUI.  I knew that those two boys were truly a miracle!  Lately, people automatically assume that I'm just distraught; or that I need to relax.  Surprisingly enough, I think that I've been as relaxed as possible.  Yes, I want a baby more than anything.  BUT if I have to hear "in God's time" from one more person I may strangle them.  =)   Did they have to wait for a baby?  Did they have to have numerous procedures and timed intercourse?  If you have not battled Infertility, don't tell someone that it's all a part of God's plan and that it will happen in His timing.  Believe me,  I know this, and do NOT need you to tell me! **Rant over!  This is probably the Lupron talking...  My moods have been swinging!  

We also had to hand over payment for the cycle.  All I can say is that God provides!

Our payment receipt

Janet called and left message on my patient voice mail around 1:30pm saying that everything looked wonderful.  She instructed me to follow my calendar protocol and begin stims on Sunday.  I can't believe it's all happening!

Don't forget to visit my pages for more info:
Lingo
IVF Schedule
The Cost