April Fool's Day for the Infertile

There are many difficult days in the life of a couple facing infertility.  Going to the grocery store, doctor's offices, and to church can be brutal.  It's not like you can become a hermit and not face the world outside your home.

I was exposed to infertility through my sister-in-law's journey to conceive when I first met Brandon.  She was so open to share with me, but I still did not understand her feelings and desire to have a child.  It took Brandon and I being married and experiencing month after month of negative pregnancy tests to finally know how she felt.  Our two journeys were so different, but we both pursued IVF to expand our families.  She endure multiple attempts along the way to conceive her now almost 4 year old son.

Brandon and I were lucky in our journey that our first FET attempt was successful.  There are no "givens" when going through treatment, and you're constantly hoping and praying to be one of the positive statistics.

That brings me to this day.  I love practical jokes as much as the next person, but joking about being on pregnant on April Fool's Day is cruel.  On this day last year, I had just recovered from my second reproductive surgery and was waiting through a 6-week time period to begin IVF.  Our initial plan to start the IVF process had already been cancelled and both Brandon and myself were devastated.  When I saw on Facebook that day that people who I knew were joking about being pregnant...  wow.  There are no words.    Would you joke about having cancer?  Would you joke about having any other disease?  Most individuals who have not struggled to conceive children have no idea that INFERTILITY IS DEFINED AS A DISEASE OF THE REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM by the World Health Organization (WHO).

I gave up Facebook for Lent and it was easier than I had imagined.  Writing here is more important to me.  I've struggled about making too many posts (on FB) about being pregnant, because those posts broke my heart when we were trying to get pregnant.  There are no ultrasound pictures or intentional pregnancy bump photos of myself on my page.  I have chosen to keep all of that within my blog.  My readers/followers must choose to look at my posts or pictures.  It doesn't hurt my feelings to lose a follower because I've "unfollowed" my fair share of blogs throughout the course of our infertility journey.

Just because I am pregnant and awaiting my daughter's arrival does not mean that I am still not plagued with negative thoughts from infertility each day.  It's not something that you just get over.  There's no magical cure-not even having a child.  

Breakdown

The title says it all.  It happened last night.  I fell apart.  Overwhelmed is the only way to express how I feel.

After work, we went to dinner with Rachel & Clint.  It was a good distraction from my emotions.  We had a great meal at Olive Garden, and we talked about all kinds of things.  B and I enjoy our time with them!  Once we got home, it hit me how tired I had been feeling all day.  I realized that I have not slowed down since I got out of the hospital.  I've felt so busy at home and work.  My boss reiterated that I'm in a marathon that cannot be won in a day.  Brandon and I talked for a while last night and he prayed over me before we went to sleep.  I cried so much last night that I still have bags under my eyes even now.

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Today I woke up trying to make it a good day.  I called Brookwood asking more about the nurses who took care of me.  The girl who I spoke with is also a patient of Dr. Allemand.  She has Stage III Endometriosis and needs another surgery (to remove the endo) before they can attempt an IUI.  She will need injectable medications for her IUI and I hope that it will work out that I can help her by donating my unused Follistim.  It's amazing how God works!

Sarah and I went shopping today and I was able to go ahead and get some shopping done for Christmas.  If I don't get started now, there's no way that we'll be able to afford buying for our family and friends.

Sarah with one of the shirts on sale!

I purchased 16 Christmas gifts today; some were got multiple gifts for the same person.  

I also bought some things for myself!

Here is a shot of the Christmas gift items I purchased!

Also, we all have a love affair with Lilly Pulitzer at work!  

My calendar just arrived!  I was super excited.  

Here is a picture of me with mine and then one of Jenna and myself posing.

And Rachel had to mess around with the camera, so here's a picture of her goofing around.  =)

It may not look like I'm having a hard time in these pictures, but retail therapy and prayer does wonders.  I am surrounded by such great people.  

Lack of Satisfaction

Lately I have felt dissatisfied with everything; well, everything except Brandon. I feel so disconnected from the world. Is it my constant obsession with completing assignments? Will this feeling go away once I'm finished with graduate school?

It's so difficult feeling that I'm at a different stage in my life than so many others around me. I am constantly feeling out of place and isolated. Sometimes I just want someone to talk to about the events occurring each day. Although Brandon is my best friend and the one that I want to share my life with, I need other people to talk to as well.

I just wish that I could make this feeling go away. I'm positive that it has to do with my lack of prayer and quiet time in the past months. I haven't given everything to God. I've been trying to figure everything out on my own.

First Post

So I haven't blogged in ages. I thought that this would be an effective way to express my feelings rather than complaining and crying to Brandon all of the time. Here goes...

I'm actually in a great mood at the moment. I'm just exhausted for no apparent reason. I'm almost positive that within a few hours my mood will change and I will find something to be angry or upset about. And of course, that emotion will all be directed at Brandon. I hate that it happens like that, or that I feel like I cannot control how I feel when I'm around him. I always make up excuses, telling myself that it's just because I'm tired or sick or stressed.

That's enough for now.