Jesus: The Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me

This shared post on Facebook caught my eye.  

I am thrilled to be pregnant, carrying my daughter and first born child.  I think everyone who knows Brandon and myself are pretty sure that we're over the moon excited about becoming parents.  BUT is life less meaningful without children?  I do not think it is.  Brandon and I struggled greatly when trying to conceive, but we still had children in our lives.  We volunteered in the nursery at church to hold the babies and the parents allowed us to love on their children.  It may not be exactly the same, but we both could attempt to fill that void by helping our friends with their kids.

He settles the childless woman in her home as a happy mother of children.  

Psalm 113:9

While we did not have children, God provided so many little ones in our lives for us to love.  I feel like Brandon and I are surrogate uncle and aunt to so many children that were put in our lives for a reason.  Everyone is different, but I wanted to be around children when we were struggling.  It made me feel better to hold a tiny baby or chase toddlers.  Even spending time with older kids consoled my heart.

So this brings me to the photo I saw on Facebook yesterday.  I know that my heart will be overjoyed when Elliana is born and placed upon my chest.  I will marvel at her beautiful face and kiss her little hands and toes.  Brandon and I will rejoice together with smiles and tears at the beautiful gift God has given to us.  She will be a constant reminder of our faith and hope in God.  It will be difficult to not think of all the families longing to become parents.  That's why these photos that circulate the internet sting.  My heart can only imagine having seen this picture a year ago and the tears that would have fallen.

At first this photo enraged me.  It seemed hurtful to me because I thought of all of my friends still living without children.  My friends who have pursued infertility treatment and are still without children.  My friends who have gone through adoption scenarios to be left unmatched.  The image left me bitter thinking about how unfair the world is and that it's not right to say that having your children is the best thing that ever happened to you. After dwelling on the premise behind this picture I was able to see the big picture.

Being a believer, the best thing that ever happened to me was Jesus coming into my life.  

He sought after me when I ran so many times from Him.  Our infertility journey once more brought me back to Him and I have not wanted to run this time.  God made the ultimate sacrifice sending His only son to die for us and provide us with eternal life and salvation.  Without our (Brandon and myself) faith in God, our journey would be meaningless.  From the moment we let God in and trusted Him with our situation everything changed.  Our journey remained difficult, but we knew that while we could not see the big picture, God could.  His love for us demonstrates true love between a parent and child.  While we ran from him trying to do it all on our own, he continued to pursue us.  He loved us so much to entrust us with this journey knowing that we would share with everyone the great things He has done for us.

So yes, I do know that being pregnant is a miracle of a gift.  I will love my little girl to pieces once she's here.  But she will not be defined as the best thing that ever happened to me.  My life won't begin and end with her.  

April Fool's Day for the Infertile

There are many difficult days in the life of a couple facing infertility.  Going to the grocery store, doctor's offices, and to church can be brutal.  It's not like you can become a hermit and not face the world outside your home.

I was exposed to infertility through my sister-in-law's journey to conceive when I first met Brandon.  She was so open to share with me, but I still did not understand her feelings and desire to have a child.  It took Brandon and I being married and experiencing month after month of negative pregnancy tests to finally know how she felt.  Our two journeys were so different, but we both pursued IVF to expand our families.  She endure multiple attempts along the way to conceive her now almost 4 year old son.

Brandon and I were lucky in our journey that our first FET attempt was successful.  There are no "givens" when going through treatment, and you're constantly hoping and praying to be one of the positive statistics.

That brings me to this day.  I love practical jokes as much as the next person, but joking about being on pregnant on April Fool's Day is cruel.  On this day last year, I had just recovered from my second reproductive surgery and was waiting through a 6-week time period to begin IVF.  Our initial plan to start the IVF process had already been cancelled and both Brandon and myself were devastated.  When I saw on Facebook that day that people who I knew were joking about being pregnant...  wow.  There are no words.    Would you joke about having cancer?  Would you joke about having any other disease?  Most individuals who have not struggled to conceive children have no idea that INFERTILITY IS DEFINED AS A DISEASE OF THE REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM by the World Health Organization (WHO).

I gave up Facebook for Lent and it was easier than I had imagined.  Writing here is more important to me.  I've struggled about making too many posts (on FB) about being pregnant, because those posts broke my heart when we were trying to get pregnant.  There are no ultrasound pictures or intentional pregnancy bump photos of myself on my page.  I have chosen to keep all of that within my blog.  My readers/followers must choose to look at my posts or pictures.  It doesn't hurt my feelings to lose a follower because I've "unfollowed" my fair share of blogs throughout the course of our infertility journey.

Just because I am pregnant and awaiting my daughter's arrival does not mean that I am still not plagued with negative thoughts from infertility each day.  It's not something that you just get over.  There's no magical cure-not even having a child.  

"Dumbing Down the Scripture"

(the title of this post is quoted from Beverly)

We talked a few Sundays (in ReCharge-led by Shannon) ago about things people say when they don't know what else to say.  Many remarks are made in sad, hopeless, desperate situations.  The death of a parent, sibling, child, or loved one can be awful.  The loss of a job, bad week, or anything negative can bring you down.  Often, we seek aid from others in these situations, and are heartbroken at the responses received.
"Everything happens for a reason" and "God has a plan" are often the first responses people think to say.  Another is the ever famous "God will only give you what you can handle and no more."

When you're in the middle of a difficult situation, honestly, nothing said is going to make you feel better.  If you choose to seek help from others, be prepared for the rehearsed responses that you will receive.  For me, a simple "I'm sorry" accompanied with a big hug always makes me feel a little better.

But, in Recharge that Sunday, we talked about better responses to have in those difficult situations.  With the previous statements, we are "dumbing down the scripture" (to quote Beverly).  When we are offering advice, we should be armed with the Word of God.

• Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you.  But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. 1 Peter 4:12-13 NIV
• Friends, when life gets really difficult, don't jump to the conclusion that God isn't on the job.  Instead, be glad that you are in the very thick of what Christ experienced.  This is a spiritual refining process, with glory just around the corner. 1 Peter 4:12-13 The Message 
• The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still. Exodus 14:14 NIV
• God will fight the battle for you.  And you? You keep your mouths shut! Exodus 14:14 The Message 
• As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more. Psalm 71:14 NIV 

I feel that the above verses are more eloquently scripted than anything I could come up with.  So often, people ask me for advice.  I struggle so much with the right words to say -We all do.

I know that so many of you who know us in real life have often struggled with finding the right words to say in our struggling scenarios.  We've heard many variations of "everything happens for a reason" and "it will happen."  I know that Brandon and I are not the only ones who hear things like this.  There are so many sad situations in which people have no idea what to say.  We are always thankful and receptive to any kind words that you have to offer  We will never "call you out" on your advice.  If we don't like your advice, we will most likely tell you. (haha)  But do know that we respect and look for your advice and understanding in our situation.  And when you don't know what to say, we never forget all of the "I'm sorry," "I just don't understand why," and hugs that you give us when we're down.

*( I know that I've used the quoted statements thinking that I was helping before.  I aim to never use those statements as advice again.  If you have ever said any of the quoted statements to either of us in the past, please don't think that we remember.  Chances are, we don't.  Also, please don't think that I'm aiming this at you either.  I just hope that I can learn to use better words along with scripture when helping others.)

Hope Renewal??

"It can take a lot of courage to be real and honest with others.  Be brave and let your truth shine."- via text message from Attain Fertility

I never want my blog to be one that brings others down.  I hope (there's that awesome word)  to be positive and optimistic about each step in our journey.  That isn't always going to be the case.  It is impossible to be upbeat, excited, and happy ALL of the time no matter what type of situation Life has thrown at you.

I have made a Resolution to be "Surprisingly Satisfied."

"I do solemnly resolve to embrace my current season of life and will maximize my time in it.  I will resist the urge to hurry through or circumvent any portion of my journey but will live with a spirit of contentment."  The Resolution for Women p30 (spoken aloud and signed 7-17-12)

Yesterday was a bad day.  There's no other way to explain it, but that was yesterday.  Today is a new day and it's a great day to have a good day!

Let me also say that my husband is amazing.  He was truly meant to be my better half.  Only he can calm me down, make me laugh, and make me feel loved all at the same time.  He is my rock and I am glad that God chose him to be my sneakers (inside joke y'all should all know by now).

I'm continuing to read The Resolution for Women and it is amazing.  Brandon has already read The Resolution for Men, signed The Resolution, and completed a bible study with the other men at church, but we are now having our own study.  We had said that we would "talk" once a week, but that has turned into about two to three times a week!  God is using this book to help us through our current season of life.  I will continue to post more as I sign each resolution.

source:  Google

Please visit Ali at Not All Dreams Are Free.  She just completed IVF #1 and had her beta(pregnancy test)-->it was low at 13.  They told her to stop crinone and wait for miscarriage.  Please show her some love.  I know she needs it right now.

IVF for Beginners

Many of you reading actually know me (and Brandon) in real life.  Before undergoing fertility treatments, we both had limited knowledge about ART.  When my SIL, Sheri, went through IF procedures, I found myself searching google constantly to have some type of understanding of what she was going through.  This post is intended to help my friends and family understand IVF.
*How can I ask you to pray for me if you don't know what to pray for?!?*

At this point in our journey, it's obvious that Brandon and I cannot conceive on our own.  A brief rundown of our IF diagnosis:

• Male Factor Infertility- poor morphology, low motility, and low count due to Testicular Cancer and Chemotherapy.  We do not have enough swimmers to even get pregnant via IUI at this point
  
• Uterine Septum- mostly corrected, but my uterus will always have the characteristics of a septate uterus.  It has a tiny curvature at the top that makes it unique.
• Annovulation- I do not ovulate without stimulation drugs (ex: Femara, Clomid, Follistim, Gonal F, Menopur, etc.)  I believe that I've only had 5 or so cycles where I ovulated without stimming drugs in the past 2 years.

We believe that God has led us to this place in our journey.  We have taken many factors into consideration and feel that this is our best option at the current time to have a child (children).  The likelihood of us ever conceiving on our own is miniscule.  We know that nothing is impossible with God.  We know that pursuing IVF is part of His plan.  We will listen to Him each step of the way.

We are pursuing IVF with ICSI to have a child.  

IVF refers to the process, and there are many steps along the way.


IVF with ICSI

In Vitro Fertilization is commonly referred to as IVF. IVF is the process of fertilization by manually combining an egg and sperm in a laboratory dish. When the IVF procedure is successful, the process is combined with a procedure known as embryo transfer, which involves physically placing the embryo in the uterus. American Pregnancy Association

Intracytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI) involves the direct injection of sperm into eggs obtained from IVF.  American Pregnancy Association

Here is a brief explanation of how the process of IVF works (in our scenario):

• A new cycle begins
• A baseline u/s and bw appointment is scheduled to check hormones and the uterus and tubes.
• Suppression is started.  In my case, we are beginning with BCP.
• After so many days of BCP, injectable medication is added as well.  
• In my case, I am prescribed Lupron injections for 12 days in addition to taking my BCP.  
• A suppression check is scheduled to ensure that there has been no follicle growth or thickening of the uterine lining.
• Begin stimulation drugs for ovulation induction.  
• In my case, we are taking Follistim and Menopur for at least 10 days.
• Many office visits are scheduled to monitor and observe the follicles (that produce the egg).
• Once the follicles reach the desired measurement, the HCG trigger shot is administered, and the Egg Retrieval is scheduled.  
• On average, 70% of follicles aspirated will provide one egg. 
• There are no guarantees that every follicle will contain an egg, and that every egg will fertilize.
• After the retrieval, the eggs collected are then fertilized with Brandon's sperm
• This is where ICSI is performed.  
• After fertilization takes place, the embryos are closely monitored.  
• The plan is a 5-day transfer.
• When the embryos are five days old, they select the best, which are then transferred via vaginal catheter with ultrasound guidance.
• We are planning on transferring 2 embryos.  
• If we have more good quality embryos remaining, we will freeze them for later use. 
• At this point, I am PUPO!
• I will try and remain as calm and peaceful as possible while we wait.
• Nine days after my ET (14dpo) and (9dp5dt), we will go in for our beta to see if we are pregnant

There is much stress involved in IVF.  I'm praying for peace as we go through this process.  Once we get results, I will update here.  Within my blog, I have created a page outlining our IVF attempt.  If we have great beta numbers, I will want us to tell our families before posting.  If our numbers aren't promising, it will be easier to post here so I don't have as many people to tell.  

For now, I'm praying for God's will in our situation.  Whether IVF gives us a child or not, we will give glory to Him.  God is the ultimate healer and giver of live.  

Please visit my Lingo page for further explanation about any acronyms used in this post. =)  The coming posts will begin to contain more and more as we continue to move forward.

What NOT to Say

There is so much information about Infertility on the internet!  From researching more blogs and authors on Infertility, I stumbled upon this open letter written by a doctor in Georgia.  It's great advice for family and friends who know those struggling with fertility issues. Often, well-intentioned responses hurt our (my) feelings.  I've tried to be polite in holding in my disgust from idiotic remarks from family and friends.  For the most part, I try to correct the responses when it seems appropriate.  Infertility has been a hushed topic for so long, and I believe that is why people don't know how to react when their friends or family are struggling with this disease.  Please enjoy this letter and pass it on to others who may be facing Infertility whether it's their own struggle or that of a friend.

Letter to Family and Friends

Dear Friend:
I realize that sometimes it's difficult for you to know what to say to a couple who has a fertility problem. Sometimes it seems like no matter what you do, it's the wrong thing. I'd like to give you a few suggestions that may help you be the friend I know you want to be:

1. Be ready to listen. Infertile couples have a lot on their minds and need someone to talk to. Sometimes a good ear helps people get things off their chests. A good listener can help people express their anxiety, anger, and guilt; or help people work out solutions to problems. Without offering any suggestions your attentiveness and interest may provide the comfort and reassure ance these couples need most.
2. Don't offer advice unless you are really well informed. Infertile couples read everything they can get their hands on. Sometimes it seems as though they know more about fertility treatment than their own doctors. So talking off the cuff about something you don't really know about will only make them angry and defensive.
3. Be sensitive and don't joke about infertility; attempts at levity will only anger them. Joking about infertility is as inappropriate as joking about death at a funeral. Remember, infertile couples are hypersensitive about many things. Try to put yourself in their shoes whenever you insist they come to a baby shower, when you brag about your children's achievements, or when you tell them about your friend's daughter who got pregnant at fourteen.
4. Be patient. This couple may experience mood swings with every treatment or monthly cycle. One week they may be high because a new treatment promises hope; the next week they may be in mourning for the child they lost (didn't make) this month. They may be riding an exhausting emotional roller coaster which makes their actions and moods unpredictable. Try to understand and flow with their changes. And remember that when they want to be alone, they are not rejecting you. Don't get your feelings hurt by the preoccupation they have with their problems; keep in touch.
5. Show that you understand their difficulty. Say things like, "I know this is difficult for you," "I don't envy what you're going through," or, "If there is anything I can do to help, don't hesitate to ask." If you aren't sure about what they are experiencing, read some articles and books that discuss the emotional aspects of fertility problems.
6. Be realistic and supportive of their decisions for or against fertility treatment. Once they've reached a difficult decision, don't say, "Shouldn't you see another doctor?"; "Are you sure that you really want to adopt?"; or, "I'd never consider doing that!" These couples usually weigh each issue as though it were a life-or-death decision. Don't take their decisions lightly unless you have good reason to.
7. Don't put down their doctor or choices for treatment. Refrain from making comments like, "I never heard of a doctor doing that. Does he know what he's doing?" or, "You don't need surgery. What you need is a vacation." Unless, from your reading or experience, you are certain that their physician is not using accepted methods, keep quiet about these topics.
8. Be truthful. Don't, for example, try to hide a pregnancy in the family. The truth does not hurt, provided you are not brutally frank.
9. Let them know when you don't know what to say. The couple will appreciate your honesty and will probably suggest how you can help them in that particular situation, even if it means remaining quiet. Admitting your problem will help establish honest communication.
10. Be an advocate for infertile couples. Educate others and speak up for the couple's decisions. Promote your local RESOLVE chapter. If you do not have a support group in your community, help form one.
11. Understand that individuals and couples respond to fertility problems differently. Learn to recognize the normal emotional stages they are experiencing—denial, anger, depression, mourning, acceptance, and so forth. And realize that they may cycle through these stages with each new round of treatment and with each lost opportunity. Accept them when they are angry accept them when they are depressed, and accept them when they feel guilty. Unless they remain in a single stage for a prolonged period of time, don't become overly concerned.
12. Above all, be there when they need you and show them that you care.

This is a stressful time for everyone. Don't underestimate how important you and your relationship are to this couple. Your understanding and support can make a significant difference during this difficult period.  
Mark Perloe M D
Atlanta, GA.