Still Sick - Sick Again

Brandon and I had a great time in Biloxi, but I've somehow gotten worse.

We ate dinner Thursday evening at a restaurant along the Bay.  I ate Cajun Fried Shrimp, and we had Crawfish Nachos for an appetizer.  It was amazing, but I paid for it.  I was up two different times during the night throwing up stomach acid.  My acid reflux kicked my butt and I will think more than twice before eating anything else fried for the duration of this pregnancy.

Brandon and his rep (Monica) had a few stops to make on Friday.  We ended up not leaving Biloxi until around 4 pm and that's when I started feeling bad again.  My throat had hurt all day from the stomach acid.  My ears started feeling pressure and then I started feeling like I was getting sicker.  I woke up twice last night.  I stayed up for an hour from about 3-4:30 am watching Duck Dynasty and King of the Hill.  I drank hot tea, blew my nose about 20 times, had a couple of nose bleeds, coughed up stuff from my throat, and just felt all around miserable.

At 6:30 am I couldn't sleep anymore.  Brandon took me back to the doctor and they said that I'm trying to get Bronchitis.  My right eye is swollen and is oozing stuff whenever I sleep or cry.  There's fluid behind both of my ears and my throat is still sore.  The doctor said that I was resistant to the first antibiotic, so he gave me something different along with some nose spray.  I desperately hope to start feeling better.  Today's been a rough day for me, but I'm lucky that Brandon has taken care of me all day.  I don't say it enough, but I have one amazing husband who is always exceeding my expectations.  =)

Sorry to have written such a debbie downer post.  I'm just ready to feel better again.

Appointment

My appointment didn't go as well as expected.  My uterine lining was only 0.58cm and they like it to be closer to 0.80cm for transfer.  Dr. Allemand is in surgery each Friday morning, so he will review my chart and plan accordingly.  I should hear back from ART sometime this afternoon.  There's still time to change my medicine/protocol and continue to move forward... It's the "not knowing" that is difficult.  Thankfully there's been a lot to do at work to keep me busy until they call.

Thankfully I did not have an "unglued" moment.  I did cry and get upset, but this isn't the end.  My calendar is just going to change.  God still has this.  I still trust Him.  And His timing is always better than mine.

Day 3 at the Hospital

My days feel like they're starting to run together.  I feel like I've been here much longer than three days. 

One of our associate pastors at church (Larry) stopped by to check in on us last night.  I know that God told him to come and visit us when he did.  He talked to us about how difficult our journey through infertility has been.  He asked us questions that no one else has ever asked us before.  He actually asked us about all of the unsolicited advice we receive.  He mentioned how people often don't know what to say, so they say condescending things like "it will happen when it happens," or "it's a part of God's plan." Brandon and I were able to let off some much needed steam talking to him.  Last night was also the first time we let our guards down and and cried about our current situation.  We have both been trying to stay strong for each other.  Last night we both let go.

Brandon and I were both so hopeful for this IVF attempt.  For the most part, everything went as well as could be expected up until time for the embryo transfer.  The past few days have been so difficult for me because many people haven't truly understood how we feel.  So many people actually thought we were just postponing the transfer a few days.  (You CANNOT do that.  Embryos must be transferred at either day 3 or day 5-after that they must be frozen.) So many individuals are clueless about anything relating to infertility.  Also, I don't think that everyone has understood the severity of  my situation.  Yes, I knew all of the risks involved when we started the process of IVF.  I was counselled about OHSS, but did not think it would happen to me.  Everyone thinks that they're invincible.   It usually only affects 10% of women undergoing fertility treatment.  If you saw me in the days leading up to our scheduled transfer, it was written all over my face how much pain I was going through.  I could barely sleep at night.  I couldn't get up out of bed or even walk without someone holding on to me.  This has been the worst pain that I've ever endured, both emotionally and physically.  If you have not ridden the roller coaster of emotions that infertility takes you on, then you will not understand.  We waited and waited and waited to start this cycle.  Now we are back to waiting.  Healing, waiting, and preparing for another cycle. 

Dr. Allemand stopped by this morning to check on me.  I know that everyone is partial to their own doctor, but I am crazy about mine.  It lifted my spirits seeing him (as well as Kayla stopping by). He said that my white blood count and hemoglobin is looking much better.  My calcium is still low, but this is normal with cases of OHSS.  He was still upset about Radiology's neglect in getting my catheter placed in a timely manner.  He assured me that we would be able to go home before the weekend.  He's reduced my IV fluids, but I'm still pretty dehydrated.  All of my fluid intake had been going straight to my stomach. My catheter bag has slowed, but is still draining. My belly is still swollen, but is nothing like it was before.  Now it looks like it did when I was stimming.  In retrospect, I should have taken a picture of my stomach each day.  The thought never occurred to me because I felt so terrible.  I'm hoping that they will weigh me later on today.  I have also started Lovenox injections to prevent blood clots.  I'm no longer wearing the pressure cuffs on my legs, but I'm apparently still at risk for developing clots. 

I will continue to glorify God no matter the circumstance.  Things could have been much worse than they truly are.  I can do all things with Him.  Without God, we would have never gotten as far as we did in the IVF process.  He provided in every aspect of the situation.  He is my source of strength.  When I am weak He is strong.  He is the only reason that I am able to make myself get up out of this hospital bed and try to feel better.

Pigtail Catheter- OHSS

They put a pigtail catheter into my right side early this afternoon.  They only gave me a local anesthetic before jabbing the tube inside me.  It was anything but pleasant.  They've emptied the bag attached six times already.  It's crazy how much fluid was in my belly.  My tummy is still tender to touch, but it's not as swollen as it was previously.  I'm hoping that I'll be able to go home on Thursday.

I've been sneaking naps in whenever possible.  Brandon's got his iPad and laptop with him, so he's been able to work today.  Dad hung around for the majority of the day, and Liz stopped by with two different soups for me from Panera.  It's amazing how I could be so tired from doing nothing.  I can't believe that I made it five days at home before being admitted to the hospital.  I was in so much pain.  It still hurts when I get up to go to the bathroom.  Now I have to hold onto my belly drip bag each time I get up!  I'm not sure when I'll feel like my old self again.

There's been a lot of confusion from people about when we will transfer our embryos (this being from those who don't know much about infertility.)  Because I was admitted to the hospital having all the fluid in my belly, it made an embryo transfer impossible right now.  Our six embryos are now frozen and waiting for us to attempt a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) at a later date.  Dr. Allemand stressed that we only needed one break cycle for my body to heal.  From there, I'm not sure when we'll attempt a FET.  Brandon seems to be leaving it up to me.  To quote him, he said that "he's not the one having to take all of the injections."

It hit me today how upset I am about this cycle ending the way it did.  No, I couldn't have done anything differently to combat OHSS.  Everything else about our IVF cycle was perfect.  I responded well to the stimulation injections and produced many eggs.  We ended up with great embryos as well.  We were both excited and ready to get pregnant.  It just hurts our hearts that we have to wait again.  We've grown especially accustomed to waiting when it comes to getting pregnant.  We do know that God has a plan for us and a special child waiting.  Until it's time for us to begin trying again, I will focus more on Him and His plan.  I know that the next few months are going to be hard for me.  I never anticipated getting this far into our IVF cycle to have to postpone our Embryo Transfer.

No Transfer Today; OHSS; In Hospital

We did not do the embryo transfer. My OHSS is worse than expected. One of the nurses did an ultrasound on my belly and it was full of fluid. Dr. Allemand thought it best to have me admitted so that they can put a catheter in my belly to drain the fluid. I am situated with my IV and have been given two Loratab. I'm already feeling a little bit better, but am scared of the drain. As of now, we have 4 AA, 4 AB, and 3 BA quality embryos. They said that we are a candidate for a single embryo transfer. I'm not sure when we'll be able to attempt the Frozen Embryo Transfer, but at least we have great quality embryos. Your prayers are greatly appreciated. I've been in a lot of pain over the past few days and it all makes sense now. We're both obviously upset that our transfer didn't happen today, but we want the best for our future children. God is good all the time. As much as it hurts right now, I know that He has a plan for us.

Not okay today

How I feel at the moment.

Today is the second day of ICLW.  I would much rather have something positive to write, but I do not.   Sorry.

Last night while I was trying to sleep, I prayed so hard for God to calm my nerves.  Stress has crept up on me. Laura graduates tomorrow, we're having a big dinner for her Thursday evening, and my two younger siblings are staying with us Thursday through Tuesday.  We're going to go to two different lakes this weekend, and I start Lupron and have my precycle visit next week.  The BCP phase of the cycle has flown by.  

Two nights ago, I had a nightmare.  The specifics are blurry, but I had an accident that required surgery.  During the surgery, they had to remove all of my reproductive organs, and I was left with the inability to conceive.  When I woke up I had to convince myself that it was all just a terrible dream. 

How has stress managed to sabotage me so quickly?  I don't know when it happened.  I was fine and then I was not.  I laid in bed crying for a while last night for no reason.  I need peace.  

Some of you might think that I'm a pansy.  What does she have to be worried or stressed about?  Brandon and I are two very blessed individuals.  God has done so much for us.  We don't have any major health or financial concerns and our relationship is sound.  I feel so dumb for being stressed at the moment.  I've prayed so much for God's Will and for a baby.  I desperately want everything with this IVF cycle to go as smoothly as possible.  I have implored God to let this attempt end with a take home baby.  Many other woman have struggled for longer than I have. I don't know how they do it.  I don't know how I've made it this far.  I know that my faith in God has helped me greatly.  I don't think He wanted me to hurt this badly, but He will provide.  His plan will be revealed. 

As we get closer to starting Lupron and then stimulation drugs, I realize that I am terrified.  Not of what my body will be going through, but of failing.  I've tried to keep all negative thoughts from my mind, but they've started and there's no turning back.  What if I fail my suppression check?  What if we don't get enough eggs?  What if we have poor quality embroys?  What if I don't get pregnant?  There are so many "what if's" and nothing about this is guaranteed.  I guess it was better for me to have all of the feelings now instead of next week when I have the added side effects of Lupron.

If you've stayed with me this long, thank you.  I understand that I just threw myself a pity party.  I'm sure that you who are reading have your own share of struggles.  Mine are probably nothing in comparison to what you're going through, so I'm sorry for unloading.  God, grant me peace and courage.

Application Declined

Suzanne called me back today.  Apparently, we did not spend enough money on our fertility procedures.  This is an income based program.  I told her that our IVF was going to be around $8600.  She said that I should try to send her another fax with the information concerning the IVF.  She also asked me if I could find any more invoices or receipts from the past year.  Apparently we came extremely close to reaching the amount to qualify for the free drugs.  Close but no cigar.

Emotions everywhere and The Big Picture

I'm so tired.  My boss has us compare other stores yesterday.  We spent at least an hour at each store.  What I thought would be an easy day kept me up on my feet as much as at work!  As soon as I left work I came home and propped my feet up.  There was a women's meeting at church, but I was truly afraid I would fall asleep if I went.  I watched a movie with Brandon and was in bed by 9pm (which is nothing out of the ordinary for me).

I'm trying to be more at peace about not being able to TTC this cycle.  One minute I feel that I am fine with it, and the rest of the time I am not.  I've never seen so many pregnant women in my life.  I feel like every time I turn my head there's a reminder.  My prayer is for peace and patience through the remainder of this month.  My heart is so heavy.  Brandon and I cannot even have discussions that somehow don't revolve back to cycling.  We've had more intense discussions this week than we ever have through this entire process. At this point, I will count myself lucky that Brandon desires a child as much as I do.  Most women going through this do not have husbands who care as much as Brandon.  I couldn't imagine how much worse this whole situation could be if he wasn't so open to talking through all of the scenarios. 

I'm sorry for the sad posts lately.  I'm still trying to find my silver lining, promise. I know that within a few days I'll start feeling a bit better and be able to sit back and look at the big picture