Emotions everywhere and The Big Picture

I'm so tired.  My boss has us compare other stores yesterday.  We spent at least an hour at each store.  What I thought would be an easy day kept me up on my feet as much as at work!  As soon as I left work I came home and propped my feet up.  There was a women's meeting at church, but I was truly afraid I would fall asleep if I went.  I watched a movie with Brandon and was in bed by 9pm (which is nothing out of the ordinary for me).

I'm trying to be more at peace about not being able to TTC this cycle.  One minute I feel that I am fine with it, and the rest of the time I am not.  I've never seen so many pregnant women in my life.  I feel like every time I turn my head there's a reminder.  My prayer is for peace and patience through the remainder of this month.  My heart is so heavy.  Brandon and I cannot even have discussions that somehow don't revolve back to cycling.  We've had more intense discussions this week than we ever have through this entire process. At this point, I will count myself lucky that Brandon desires a child as much as I do.  Most women going through this do not have husbands who care as much as Brandon.  I couldn't imagine how much worse this whole situation could be if he wasn't so open to talking through all of the scenarios. 

I'm sorry for the sad posts lately.  I'm still trying to find my silver lining, promise. I know that within a few days I'll start feeling a bit better and be able to sit back and look at the big picture

Attitude Adjustment

Sorry for both of my "debbie downer" posts yesterday.  No, I'm not feeling any better today, but it is a new day.

We had dinner with Liz, Mike, and Hayden last night at BWW.  It's nice to know there's people you can always count on.  Liz has been there for me from the beginning.  I know that she too went through years of grief and stress to have Hayden.  It helped for me to see him last night.  It's impossible to be sad when I see his smiling face and pretty blue eyes!

I knew this journey would be difficult, but I often feel like things always seem to get worse.  I'm there at rock bottom again so to speak.  God is trying to speak to me, but I've been too busy and caught up with myself to listen.  I trust in His plan, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.  We've found a devotional written by April and Eric Motl for couples going through Infertility.  I think I'll go ahead and purchase that today.  I'm tired of feeling swallowed by my pain and sadness.  I'm ready to do something proactive about it.

Just because I'm battling Infertility

"Just because I'm battling Infertility doesn't mean that I want to see your baby."

Today was a rough day.  Brandon and I had an intense conversation last night and again today at lunch.  We've made some decisions and have a game plan to move forward.  There's a few things we've discussed that we both prefer to not share here on our blog.  I will still post as much information here that both Brandon and myself find appropriate to share.

My random rant...  An unmarried couple with their 2 week old infant came into the store today.  I typically notice all of the children in the store.  Jen knew that I was having a rough day and didn't even think twice about me not wanting to see the baby.  My boss didn't get it.  He made a big deal about me needing to see the baby.  He actually asked me if I had ever seen a 2 week old baby before.  I'm pretty sure he got the idea that he had pissed me off, but I had no desire to see that child.  The grandmother was with them and returned after leaving to ask when they should pierce the baby girl's ears.  Typical.  Luckily the lady did not hear my muffled response.  =)

I don't mean to sound ugly or bitter.  I just am going through a rough time.  God has the master plan; I know it.  For some reason, we are not supposed to be having a child right now.  I don't know what I'd do without my faith in Him right now.  Maybe this trial is to make me trust God more.  He must be preparing us for something greater.

You Think I Would Be Used to Bad News by Now Pt 2

AF has not arrived yet.  Most likely, I will start either late this evening or tomorrow morning.  This would not fit our schedule for the month of March. 

For those of you are unfamilar with protocol for cycling...

• CD1-3:  bloodwork and baseline ultrasound
• CD3-?:  Follistim Injections
• CD8-10:  HSG
• CD8-10:  ultrasound monitoring 
• CD12-15:  IUI

 Brandon is traveling the week of March 18-23.  My IUI would fall that week.  I spent some time reading over the lab reports from each of our frozen sperm specimens.  The numbers are disheartening.  It would be pointless to go forward with an IUI only using our frozen sperm.  It would be best for us to have timed intercourse along with the IUI.  Also, I could not imagine going forward with the Insemination with Brandon so far away.  I thought about it all day yesterday, and we both talked about the whole scenario when I got home last night.  It just seems hopeless and pointless to attempt the IUI this month.  Dr. Allemand is only appeasing us with one more IUI, and he told us that if it was him he would move forward with IVF. 

At the moment I am feeling defeated, disappointed, and devastated.  I was looking forward to trying one more cycle this month and it's not going to happen.  It's been so hard for me just recovering from the surgery, and now I'll have to wait again.  I haven't decided if I'll move forward with my HSG this cycle or not.  I know that I must have it to make sure the septum is completely removed from my uterus.  Right now I just don't know if I can handle the stress of the procedure itself. 

Blah

I wish I had something thoughtful or inspiring to say.  At the moment I don't.  I don't know what's gotten into me the past few days.  I just feel sad and i want it to go away.

"Where Grief Meets Grace"

A friend at church sent me a great article dealing with the Christian aspect of Infertility.  The article was exactly what I needed to read.

 I've felt blah for the past few days.  I've felt sad and quiet.  Maybe I'm just preparing mentally for this next cycle.  To say that I'm nervous is an understatement. 

It is finished

Church was amazing today.  Denise and Mike of Hart to Hart Ministries spoke to our church today.  At the end of her sermon she asked for a raise of hand of those who were praying for miracles.  She opened up the altar for those to come up and receive prayer.  No, I didn't raise my hand or walk to the altar.  Sometimes I feel like my hope and prayer is selfish.  As we were leaving, Brandon wanted to walk up and speak to Terry (our pastor) before leaving.  He told me that Denise was born to a mother who had no womb, and she too was not supposed to have children.  He told me that he wanted me to read a book that she had written.  He introduced Brandon and I to Mike and Denise and they asked if they could pray over us.  I also gave her a card that had the information to link her back to my blog. 

Today, Brandon told me that it's ok to be sad.  I know that I'm such a burden to him at times.  He never knows what type of mood I may be in.  Sometimes I'm ok when I see babies, and sometimes I'm not.   With my emotions all over the place I feel like a loose cannon.

I'm ready for this new cycle to begin so we can attempt one last IUI.  I want to stay positive, but if it fails, I am ready to begin saving for IVF as well as completing the paperwork for domestic adoption.  Unfortunately, a couple must be married for 3 years to start the paperwork, but our 3rd Wedding Anniversary is just around the corner in June.  I know that we've only been trying for a little over a year and a half, but I cannot see us trying forever.  I want to me a Mother.  It doesn't matter how it happens.  It is finished. =)

Long Week

So FF gave me CH and then took them away. =(  As of now I still have no clear ovulation pattern.  I called the DR yesterday, and after much aggravation and tears, I have an appointment for next Tuesday.  They require that I do a beta and get my PIO shot to induce AF.  I have no idea why I need a pregnancy test when we've had sex once in the past month and a half.  Oh well.  Once I get the PIO, I should have a withdrawal bleed within four days.

There's a threat of bad weather today. =(  The Shelby County schools are closing at 12:30 today.  I hope and pray that everyone stays safe!  If you don't have an app for severe weather on your phone, GET ONE!