Provera

I've been taking Provera for the past few days to bring on a new cycle.  I forgot how much I dislike this medicine.  Luckily, I've been able to ward off the tears.  My mood swings have been intense, and all I want to do is eat!  It's all worth it though.  Who knows when I'd begin another cycle without it. =)

What God Meant

While browsing new blogs for ICLW, I stumbled upon a poem.  The author is unknown, but the words felt like they came straight from my heart.  God did choose us for a reason.  Yes, the pain of Infertility hurts, but we are called for a higher purpose. 

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. ¹⁴ I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile." Jeremiah 29:11-14

What do I think God meant when He gave me Infertility?

I think He meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. 

I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time Infertility knocks us down.

I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols.

I think God meant for us to find a cure for fertility. 

No, God never meant for me to not have children.

That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on.

I've been placed on the road less traveled, and like it or not, I'm a better person for it.

Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let Him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God singled me out for special treatment. 

I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.

While I would never have chosen Infertility, I cannot deny that a fertile woman could ever experience the joy that I know awaits me.

Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own.

And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice, I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when He handed me Infertility. I already know.

ICLW this week

Hi all from ICLW!

 

For those of you who are new to my blog... I am 26 and my husband, Brandon is 35.  We've been TTC our first child since Summer 2010.  We always knew that we wanted to become parents.   We had no idea that our journey would include so many obstacles!  Brandon had cancer when he was about 25 years old.  He went through chemotherapy, which greatly affected his SA.  I took BCP for about 7 years or so, and found that I had irregular cycles for months after coming off the pill.  At our first HSG, the doctor found that I had a Uterine Septum.  I've had two surgeries (Laparoscopy & Hysteroscopy) to attempt to remove the septum.  Also, I have Stage II Endometriosis.

Right now we are waiting to see if my uterine septum issue is corrected, and hospitable enough to continue forward with IVF.  For more details about our journey, you can visit the page titled, "My Story."  

Thanks for visiting!  ICLW #14

HSG results

I apologize for not posting yesterday.  Once I got home, I cooked dinner for Rachel and Clint.  Rachel spent the night with me since B is still out of town.  I slept so well last night just knowing I wasn't alone in the house! =)

Dr. Houserman performed my HSG.  It hurt!  They had prescribed a Valium for me to take prior to the procedure.  I took it too soon at my last appointment, so I took it later this time.  (It never kicked in until AFTER the appointment).  I dissolved an Ativan under my tongue and it helped relax me a little.  I'm a weenie when it comes to having all of these tests.  My severe pelvic pain makes most of the procedures almost unbearable.  Thankfully it was over quickly and I only cried for about three minutes.  It was evident from the x-ray that the septum is still there.  =(  Dr. Houserman said that she thought it was alright to move forward with IVF.  I wish that the septum had been completely removed!  I will not let myself get upset or hopeful until I talk to Dr. Allemand.  He should be back in the office next week so I will leave message to see what he says about the results.

3rd HSG Tomorrow

For those of you who have been following my story, you know that my uterus has caused us many issues with TTC.  Tomorrow I will have my third and hopefully final HSG!

A uterine septum is a congenital (birth) defect where the uterus is not shaped correctly.  On my first HSG in June, it appeared that I had two divided cavities.  Dr. Bates resected much of the septum in September, but there was still an evident divide in January when Dr. Allemand looked at my second HSG results.  After my surgery was complete in February, Dr. Allemand gave me before and after pictures of my uterus, tubes, and ovaries.

At the top you can see the septum before and after resection.

Endometriosis

Open tubes and more Endo

Adhesions of Endo on my Uterus

Opening of both tubes and my Septum

There was no way to know that I had a uterine septum until I had began seeing a RE.  There are no signs or symptoms, other than not getting pregnant or having recurrent miscarriages.  My chemical pregnancy in November could have due in part to the residual septum.  Making sure that my womb is shaped correctly is extremely important for us to get pregnant and carry a baby to term.  Many women still get pregnant with the uterine septum present, but babies are often breeched and have little room inside.  Also, it makes implantation more difficult, because there is no blood flow to the septum.

Having seen the images of my womb, I feel confident about tomorrow's HSG.  At our appointment last week, Dr. Allemand said that a slight contour in the cavity would be alright.  My tubes have been checked out four times already (previous HSGs and with each surgery) so I feel that I can only expect good news tomorrow.

Please keep me in your prayers tomorrow.  My Dad is taking me (he also took me to my last HSG).  I'm hoping for better results for the both of us.  I don't think Dad could stand to see me upset again.  Also, Brandon is out of town for work and I want to have something good to share with him tomorrow evening!

Happy Friday

Brandon leaves for Las Vegas on Sunday.  I'm so jealous!  He'll be gone for about six days.  I don't think we've ever been apart from each other for that long.  I'm sure that I'll keep myself occupied. =)

I read the IVF packet this morning.  Information overload!  I'll post more later!  I hope that everyone has a Happy Friday and a great weekend!

IVF

Our appointment went extremely well today.  I will start Provera on CD 16 (which is less than 9 days).  I am still set for my HSG next Tuesday.  We will start IVF as soon as I begin a new cycle!  I'm scared, excited, and nervous all at the same time!  Luckily, we have found a way to pay for it.  God is so great.  Again, I wish that we didn't have to go through this to have a child, but we are lucky to have this opportunity.

God is Good & The Big Picture

The past two days have been great.  My friend, K, had another ultrasound on Tuesday.  She was measuring 6w3d.  =)  We got to talk for a while on Tuesday, and she let me throw my pity party.  I cannot express how important it is to have people to talk to when going through IF.  Thankfully I got over my pity party and started to obsess over symptoms with her!

Yesterday I checked my email and had a message from a friend.  We had went to high school together, and ended up attending the same church for a while.  She had stumbled upon my blog, and she too is a fellow infertile.  The world is so strange.  She and I had many of the same specific situations including our uterine abnormalities, Endometriosis, and husbands with less than normal SA.  She shared her struggles with me and told me that they are now expecting.  They underwent IVF at our same clinic!  God is so Good! 

I'm sorry for all of the recent sad posts.  My pity party is over for the time being.  It took a while, but I am beginning to see the big picture.  All of the previous IUI attempts and cancellations have been hard for us, but they all happened for a reason.  He does have a plan.  I've shared my journey so that others could see what we've overcome thus far.  I'm sure that if my HSG doesn't give great results next week I'll be upset, but I will try to see God's hand in the situation.  He gave us this battle because He knew that we wouldn't give up.  He's strengthened our marriage and relationships with those around us.

 "With man, this is impossible, but WITH God, ALL things are possible."  Matthew 19:26

Great nurse!

I sent a FB message to my Nurse Practitioner this morning and she called me!  They have me scheduled to come in Thursday morning at 9am to discuss IVF versus IUI with frozen sperm, as well as a few other scenarios.  I'm not even sure if Brandon will be able to go.  If he cannot, I'll be fine.  There's still a lot of things weighing on us and I just feel like I need to talk to Dr. Allemand again. 

None of this has been easy.  After talking to Casey (our NP) today, she again reiterated that IVF is the best option with the condition of Brandon's sperm.  She told me that I didn't have to move forward with the HSG just yet, but I told her that it was fine.  They'll have to do an HSG no matter what I choose so I may as well get it over with now. 

HSG scheduled

This morning I called to schedule a consult with Dr. Allemand.  He's booked through April, but they wanted me to go ahead and schedule my HSG.  My appointment is next Tuesday at 1:45pm.  I can't believe that this will be my third one.  Hopefully everything will look great and I won't need anything else afterward.  I don't think I can handle any more bad news!