This isn't fair

"The fair comes once a year, stays about a week, and then it's gone."  -Rachel Krebs

 

This cycle is driving me crazy.  For about five days now, I've felt cramps and been sure that AF is on her way.  My temperature has made NO sense at all.  It typically nose dives a few days after my last Provera.  I'm now 6 days past my last pill.  Even now as I type I swear that I feel cramps again.

I already called and cancelled my appointment.  As fairness goes, I'm sure that AF will show up this afternoon.  If I start in the next few days, I'm sure that I can make my appointment for Friday morning.  Brandon was supposed to go to Huntsville, but cancelled .  At least I won't have to go to the appointment alone.  

This whole situation has reminded me of Infertility's unpredictability.  Who would have known that it would take 3 HSGs and 2 surgeries to get my uterus "right" for baby making.  I've had 3 cancelled IUI cycles in less than a year.  At the end of the day, none of this is fair.  It's not fair for anyone to have to endure.  I just have to trust that this is part of the plan.

Infertility is Unpredictable

AF has still not arrived.  I'm so baffled.  When I called to schedule my baseline last week, the nurse said that I could still come in even if AF had just begun (for tomorrow).  It's so strange that I'm sitting here waiting to start.  Usually it's the other way around, just hoping and praying that I'm pregnant.  It feels so different when you know there's no possible way it could have happened. It starts to mess with your head.  I've sat here and scrutinized my charts looking for any kind of correlation. 

I've used Progesterone (either Provera or PIO) 6 times to start a new cycle since we've been trying .

• March 9, 2012 cycle; taken CD14-CD20 ... ... ...
• January 9, 2012 cycle; taken CD9-CD17 and began new cycle 4 days after last pill
• December 6, 2011 cycle; PIO shot on CD29 and began new cycle 6 days after
• March 12, 2011 cycle; CD29-CD37 and began new cycle 3 days after last pill
• October 13, 2010 cycle; CD35-CD44 and began 4 days after last pill
• August 26, 2010 cycle; CD37-CD46 and began 3 days after last pill

 I've always started within 3-4 days after taking my last pill.  I'm hoping and praying that I start at some point today.  If my temperature drops tomorrow morning, I'll know that I'm due to start.  Brandon already rearranged his schedule for the week to be able to attend the appointment tomorrow.  If AF is late, he won't be able to go to the appointment with me when it occurs (if it does at all this week). 

Christianity & Infertility

I began reading on a new website today.   It's called Stepping Stones.  I just thought I would share what I read today.  

You and I 
Katherine R. Cottle

You talk with other women and complain about your children.

I have just come from the doctor’s office where I have been poked, prodded, and injected trying to find out why I can’t have what is causing your pain.

I know that children are a blessing from God.

You have been blessed with children and not I. Why?

You talk about how easy it is for you to get pregnant. In fact, all your husband has to do is “throw his pants over the bedpost.” You have the birth of your children all planned out.

I have just miscarried again.

You complain about never really wanting children and how inconvenient it has been to deny yourself for someone else.

I have just finished crying myself to sleep because God said “No” again.

You count the days before you go back to work and leave your child with someone else to raise him.

I wake up on an operating table, praying that this time the procedure will work.

You wake up one morning and you are pregnant

I wake up wondering, How far is too far to go with medical science?

You say, “Just adopt.”

I say, “Do you really think it is that easy?”

You say, “Just forget about it. Relax! It will happen when you least expect it.”

I say, “How can I forget about it? I have had to chart and plan lovemaking and take my temperature for the past six years because ‘timing is everything.’”

Dear Heavenly Father,
Sometimes I feel angry, hurt, confused, and alone. I feel like a great river that has been dammed up and not allowed to run. When I feel that way, please remind me of the great power a dammed river can generate. Help me to know that Jesus loves me and has a plan. Remind me, again, of how rare and precious the gift of life is and of the fact that anyone who is here and healthy is a miracle.

Please keep me from being careless with my words or flippant with my appreciation for Your blessings. Don’t let me ever take Your gifts for granted or throw them back in Your face! Help me to be grateful for all that is good in my life.
Amen.

God's Hand

Yesterday, I was overwhelmed by Toni Rapp.  She has offered to give me her left over Follistim for my upcoming IVF cycle.  After being declined for the financial assistance, I was so upset.  (I went into a mad cleaning rage around the store.)  I tried to keep myself occupied for the rest of the day, but it was difficult.  As we were  packing up to go home, I decided to jump on my blog for a few minutes.  I saw that I had a few comments.  Toni had offered to give me 900 iu that she had left over in Follistim.  This is the drug that cost $600 for only 300 iu when I used the medicine in January.

Brandon and I both had no idea how we were going to pay for the medicine required to complete the cycle.  He was mad and I was devastated.  We are both still in disbelief at the generosity of Toni. God answered our prayers.

My baseline appointment is scheduled for next Tuesday at 9am.  I will be sure to post my calendar as soon as I know my protocol.

Application Declined

Suzanne called me back today.  Apparently, we did not spend enough money on our fertility procedures.  This is an income based program.  I told her that our IVF was going to be around $8600.  She said that I should try to send her another fax with the information concerning the IVF.  She also asked me if I could find any more invoices or receipts from the past year.  Apparently we came extremely close to reaching the amount to qualify for the free drugs.  Close but no cigar.

Krueger Family Prayers

Please visit this page and pray for this family.  The Kruegers live in my Dad's neighborhood.  They've always been so kind to my Dad (and me when I still lived in the neighborhood).  Their daughter, Emma, is about to undergo surgery due to a Chiari Malformation.

I cannot imagine what this family is going through.  They are asking for specific prayers:

·         Peace for Emma (and us all)

·         Joy IN the middle of all of this

·         Provision

·         Steady Hands for Dr. Oakes & his team

·         The ability to get Dr. Defreese to be her anesthesiologist

·         The ability to get an order for blood & people to give in case there is a need

·         No SEVERE PERMANENT Complications from the surgery

·         No temporary complications from the surgery (hydrocephalus specifically)

·         Surgery would be successful

·         Recovery would be complete & speedy

·         As the years go by that Emma would not need an additional surgery for this newly discovered lifelong disorder.

The Krueger Family

No news is good news

The goal of the day is to NOT hear from Suzanne.  She said that no news is good news!  It would be absolutely fabulous to receive financial aid for my medications.  (Not to say that we couldn't pay for the drugs on our own.)  God has been so good to us.  We have somehow been able to afford all of this so far.  Brandon handles all of our finances.  It's easier for me that way.  Handling the money seems too stressful, and I'm stressed enough right now.

The plan is to have my baseline appointment next week.  I probably should call today and schedule for Tuesday since that's my off day.  To say I'm nervous is an understatement.  Brandon had an appointment in Enterprise scheduled on Tuesday, but he told the person he was meeting that we were about to begin IVF and he wanted to be able to go to the doctor with me.  The guy was very understanding; Brandon said that he probably knew someone going through or who had gone through this. Much of my anxiety was stemming from the fear of going to this particular appointment without Brandon.  Dad was on stand-by, but I really wanted B to be with me.  He asks great questions when there.  B said that he's nervous too, but has enough distractions during the day to not dwell on it. 

We've been watching Mad Men lately.  It's GREAT!  We found it on Netflix and have been watching the entire series.  It's kept us occupied in the evenings.  For a while, all of our conversations somehow became about our fertility.  It's been nice to take a break from that...especially before we begin the marathon run of IVF!

I finally finished faxing all of our information for the Compassionate Care application.  My fax to them was 62 pages, including the cover sheet. They required:

• 2 current paycheck stubs from both Brandon and myself
• 1040
• my birth certificate
• any OOP bills/copays from the past year
• I opted to include a brief biography about our journey to conceive thus far

We had a LOT of expenses in the past year!  You can see those items here.  My hope is that they will accept our application and help us out with the fertility drugs for our IVF cycle.  Please keep your fingers crossed for us.  It would be amazing to not have to pay the $3000-$5000 just for the drugs!!

Last Day of Provera

Thankfully, today was my last day of taking Provera.  It's crazy how bad this medicine makes me feel.  Some days are alright, but I have crazy mood swings for the most part.  I'll be glad to start feeling like myself in the next few days.

The plan is for AF to arrive within the next three days and go in for CD 3 baselines next week.  From there I will get my IVF protocol! 

Happy!

This morning I decided to call the nursing line and ask about my HSG results.  Melissa (nurse) is so great!  I think I talk to her at least once a week.  She said that Dr. Allemand agreed that my uterine septum was resected enough to move forward with IVF.  No more surgery!! Yay!