I don't have a title.

Since I last wrote, I have begun exercising.  I LOVE Zumba and received the Kinect game for the XBOX at Christmas.  I figured that I needed to get my weight under control.  I've NEVER had to worry about my size before--maybe my metabolism is slowing down.  I exercise before I go to work each morning so I don't have to embarrass myself later when B's home. ; ) 

Today, I am on CD 25.  A couple of weeks ago, B said that he was ready to start actively TTC.  I was thrilled!  We've been "doing the dance" almost every day, but I have yet to ovulate.  =(  I even bought PreSeed for us to try (it's the only fertility-friendly lubrication).  I think I'll call the doctor on Friday(CD28) and ask for Provera.  I do NOT want to take it; however, I will not wait forever and have a 50 day cycle.  I just feel so cheated.  B and I were both in agreement that we were ready to start our family, and then my body had to disagree. 

At least I'll look skinny until I get pregnant.  =)  I must find the positive in this unsettling situation.  I just keep seeing all of these other pregnant women everywhere.  It's like when you buy a new car and suddenly see it all over the roads.  Well, I'm sure this is different, but it feels the same to me.  I honestly don't even know what I'll do when I see a positive on a hpt. 

Where does the weekend go?

Brandon and I dogsat Ron and Michele's dog this weekend.  I didn't want to take him back! 

AF arrived.  I think I'm ok.  I'm obviously upset that I wasn't pregnant, but am trying to be rational.  We weren't exactly trying this month.  I have made it a priority to schedule an appointment for the summer this week.  I think I can make it until June. 

Almost the weekend

It's Thursday which means only one more day til Friday! =) I wish I had happy news to report, but I do not. I am most likely not pregnant. I'm so sad and angry that I can't stand it. I took a pregnancy test yesterday morning and it was negative. My temperature is still elevated, but should drop tomorrow when Aunt Flo arrives. (So much for a nice and pleasant weekend.)

I'm still exhausted. I only get peaceful sleep when popping a Tylenol PM. I have nothing else to talk about. Even though Brandon and I weren't trying to get pregnant this cycle, it still hurts. I'm going to schedule an appointment for June to see my GYN and maybe that will make me feel better. February flew by and I'm hoping these next few weeks will as well.

Tuesdays..

Let me begin by saying that I LOVE Tuesdays. =)  I like having a day to myself.

I met Gina for lunch today.  It was nice to see her and it forced me to shower and put on real clothes.  I watched Food Network and thought of a few new recipes to try in the coming weeks or whenever I get a chance to cook dinner. 

I took a test and I'm not pregnant.  =(  I still may have a chance because it's early.  I'm trying to not be upset.  I think I'll call my GYN and schedule my yearly for June so we can discuss fertility meds.  This is my 8th month without any birth control and one would assume that something would have happened by now.  =/

I'm going to try to stay positive and look forward to getting my weight and eating habits under control.  God must not be ready for me to become a Mom just yet.  I know that He is certain of the right time and is just preparing me. 

Saturday

I'm terrible at blogging.  I didn't write at all for February.  =/

Today is Saturday and I have to work.  I hope that the day goes by quickly.  I'm so tired right now.  I slept in the guest room last night to try to get more rest.  I'm hoping that I'm so tired because I'm pregnant.  It's looking like I could be, but I can't take a test until next week.  I organized at work all day yesterday.  I either sleep, cook, or watch tv when I'm home right now to keep my mind occupied. 

I said that I wouldn't be upset if I'm not pregnant this time, but I will be.  We weren't actually trying this cycle, but we have a good chance.  My temps are high and rising and I have about 6 days until I expect my next cycle.  I'm abstaining from buying pregnancy tests so I don't test too soon.  (That's easier said than done.)

We're getting our new car today.  Brandon's so excited.  It's a 2004 Acura TL.  It's black with black leather interior.  It's fully loaded with low mileage.  We've already named it the Batmobile.  =)  I will post pictures later!!

Rainy Days and Mondays

Mondays are typically not my favorite day of the week. . . BUT today has actually been great!  Brandon and I carpooled to work this morning (truck's in the shop) and it was just nice to spend some time with him. =)

My Dad's surprise birthday party was great!  He was genuinely surprised and thankful for everyone coming out to celebrate his birthday.  The baby shower was also a success.  I was hoping for a better turnout for Liz, but I guess some people were busy.  Nonetheless, we had fun catching up and talking about babies! 
Liz made me a necklace with a St. Gerard pendant on it.  I'm not well versed in the saints, but this one is the Patron Saint of Motherhook-I think.  =)  It was a sweet gift from an even sweeter friend.

I actually feel like all is right in the world-for the time being.  =)  I'm sure I'll have a meltdown at some point during the week over something stupid.  At least for now I actually feel happy and in control.  =)

I do believe that this is one of the most positive blog entries I've ever written.  I'm sure that the few people who read this think I'm the most depressing person in the world.  I have nowhere to vent my anger/sadness, so it ends up here or Brandon gets stuck listening to me whine and complain.  *Having a blog helps my marriage. =) *

Dad's Birthday

Yesterday was my Dad's 48th birthday!  Cathy came up with the idea to throw a surprise party for him at Margarita Grill.  I'm so excited!  He has absolutely no idea and thinks that we all downplayed his birthday.  I even lied and told him that I wasn't able to buy a gift for him.  I can't wait to see his face when he opens his gift! I bought him the new Fossil Auburn National Championship watch. 

My boss called me at dinner last night and told me to take today off. =)  He's probably one of the better people that I've ever worked for.  At least he sees how tired and stressed his employees get.  I haven't had two days off in a row in a LONG time. 

The past few days have gotten better. (I'm sorry for not responding to comments-I forgot to check them!) 

OOOO and I get to co-host my very first baby shower tomorrow for a dear friend tomorrow!  I'm a little stressed because my house looks terrible right now, but I can clean later.  Plus, "a clean house is a sign of a wasted life."

Monday

Today was a rough day.  I woke up with this awful stye on my eye, which made it difficult to see.  Work wasn't that bad, but the day just seemed to drag.  I felt so strange.  I think I slept well last night, between the nightmares about unfinished assignments.  I've been out of school since May, but still have recurring dreams about school! 

We have less than a month before we go to the beach.  It will be nice to be away and alone with Brandon for a weekend.  Only downfall is that he wants to take the XBOX with us.  =/   That just doesn't seem romantic to me! 

I think I'm ok with not being pregnant right now.  I don't cry when I see pregnant women anymore, so that's good.  I still haven't wanted to be around the women in my small group at church.  I have nothing in common with them anymore.  I have no passion to even go to church.  My sis-in-law said that we should start looking for a new church home.  I just don't feel that anyone has truly reached out to us in our absense from church.  That may seem like an excuse.  Maybe it is.  I just don't want to go where I feel that I don't belong.  When I'm around them I feel like a failure for not already being a parent.  I feel like I'm not a member of the club of parenthood.  I wish that I  knew other women going through what I am.  It's hard to feel so alone with my internal struggles about motherhood.  I know that Brandon feels the same way about being a parent, but men don't talk about that when they're hanging out.  Women who are mothers only know how to talk about their children--especially stay-at-home mothers.  Brandon and I will both make great parents once the time comes.  I know that when we're ready, God will give us a sign.  I just wish that I had someone in the meantime to talk to.  =(

I have nothing creative or profound to say.  I just needed to vent my frustrations from the day.

I'm terrible at blogging

I haven't blogged in ages.  =/

Christmas was busy with work and family!  Thankfully it's over!! 

I spent my birthday in Atlanta for work.  It was a nice trip-snow and all, but I missed not being with Brandon on my birthday. 

I need a vacation.  Thankfully, we're going to the beach next month.  =)

Mondays and depression

I love my job.  I'm going to have a busy month, but I'm glad that I enjoy my work and the customers. 

My MIL is coming in about 2 weeks.  I have no idea how I'm going to get the house clean (and keep it that way) before she gets here. 

Something's wrong with one of the nerves in my back.  I'm about to be 25, not 55.  It's not hurting yet today, so maybe it's better.....but it's been going on for about a week or longer now.

I'm tired today.  I haven't felt "tired" in a while.  I've been proud of myself for getting much accomplished on my off days.  Brandon and I shopped after church and lunch yesterday.  We came home and he planted pansies and I cleaned and decorated the house some more.  =) 

Is it selfish to want things for Christmas?  It feels like everyone wants to buy these "big" gifts for us that aren't even things I want.  I don't want a smoker, chiminea(sp), and new mattress.  I know that those are nice things, but I just want to get to unwrap something on Christmas.  I'm never satisfied with the holiday anymore.  Even with what Brandon gives me--I know that's bad.  I feel like I put so much thought and effort in buying the perfect gifts for everyone but no one asks what I want for myself.  I know that we are supposed to be celebrating the birth of Christ, so this is selfish of me to just want a few surprises for myself.  I should stop whining.  I do have everything(but one thing)  that I've ever wanted.  I am one of the lucky ones.  I just don't ever feel that way.

I love my husband more than anyone in the whole world.  Yesterday, he made me feel like he felt the same way about me.  I always feel like I'm bothering or annoying him.  I don't know how to make him happy.  I feel like such a nuisance.  I feel like I talk to him too much.  I feel like we've both changed so much since we first met.  I feel like I have to be someone that I'm not.  I try so hard each day to be confident and not so needy.  To everyone around me I look like I have it all together, but I don't.  I never have.  I put on a great charade.  I think it's time to talk to my doctor again.  Maybe I need to go into counseling again.  I haven't "talked" since Brandon and I were engaged.

This is not the hormones talking, I've been progesterone-free since Thursday.  My cycle should have started by now... but it hasn't.  My last pregnancy test (Thursday) was negative--no surprise there.  It's been 48 days since my last cycle.  After this cycle starts, I think we're going to just play it safe a few months.  At this point, I couldn't get pregnant if I wanted to--not without fertility drugs.  Maybe I'm not supposed to have a baby yet.?.