All I Want for Christmas is You

So I'm one of those people who LOVE Christmas music.  I've been listening to my merry songs since Halloween.  (Only because one of the local radio stations starts playing then).  The other day I heard a familiar song that suddenly had a completely different meaning.

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree

I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you

Oh all the lights are shining
So brightly everywhere
And the sound of children's
Laughter fills the air

And everyone is singing
I hear those sleigh bells ringing
Santa won't you bring me the one I really need?
Won't you please bring my baby to me?

Oh I don't want a lot for Christmas
This is all I'm asking for
I just want to see my baby
Standing right outside my door

Oh I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
Baby all I want for Christmas is
You baby

I heard the new version of Michael Buble singing this song and just lost it.  How is it that I could love someone so much already and long for them when they don't even exist.  I've been extremely hormonal the past few days.  I broke down and cried in church yesterday too.   I'm ready to start a new cycle.  I still feel positive that it will work again and I will be pregnant. 

It's a GREAT day.

But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you. Acts 1:8

Today was a great morning at church.  Brandon and I woke up early because of the neighbor's little dog barking in our window, but we got up and made the best of the situation.  We saw 6 kids baptized at church today.  God is good.

Brandon went to the RE Friday morning to give his sample.  They were able to freeze 2 vials from what he produced!  His count was 6 mil, with 33% motility and over 14% morphology.  His numbers were BETTER than what we had fresh+frozen combined for the IUI.  God is the HEALER!  We are going to schedule another "appointment" for  him to go in this week to see what we get.  =)

We had a full moon this week and I feel like I ovulated early.  I saw a temperature shift on my chart and even felt O pain.  It's crazy how the moon can affect us.  I'm only CD9 today, but am hoping that I'll see a clear shift BBT wise soon. 

I'm ready for the next cycle.  I will share more on the next IUI.  I will ask for MORE prayer on the next IUI.  I will not see talking about infertility and assisted reproduction as taboo and share more openly that Brandon and I are trying to achieve parenthood. 

On another note, I cannot let go of my positive pregnancy test.  What can I do with it besides sticking it in a drawer.  I know that I was only pregnant for a short time, but I would like to do something special with it to always remember.  Any suggestions?

Next step in the plan

I apologize for not updating my blog last night.  Yesterday was exhausting and I just needed rest once I got home.

Our appointment started by yet another new intern coming in asking us if we were pregnant.  Had she even read my chart before walking in the room?!?  As she saw the flames come out of my ears I yelled, "Umm no, I'm pretty sure I had a chemical."  Needless to say, my interactions with her didn't go over well and she did NOT come back in when Dr. Bates came in to talk to us.  =)  I'm OVER UAB and having to meet another new flipping intern at each visit.  

Dr. Bates started talking to us about the protocol from our first IUI.  We were disappointed that they thawed some of our frozen sperm without consulting us prior to me being spread eagle on the exam table.  Also, when I discussed with him that I started my period at 11 dpiui, he simply said that happens with medicated cycles.  He further explained that on Clomid, women typically have a LONGER LP, and with Femara it's SHORTER.  That was all he wanted to say about that.  I had my charts with me showing that my LPs have been pretty inconsistent.  I WILL be on Progesterone supplements if we do another IUI.  At least Sheri (SIL) has some from a leftover cycle.

Here's to the fun stuff.  While we were waiting on Dr. Bates to come in and talk, Brandon had a profound thought!  There's barely even a difference between his pre-chemo frozen sperm and his fresh sperm- they're both LOW.  He asked if we could start banking more sperm from now until the next IUI so we'll have more to work with on the day of insemination.  At the moment, we only have 3 vials of our frozen sperm left.  That's extremely scary to us and the doctor.  He gave us a good storage rate because we're only having to do this due to Brandon's previous cancer.  Brandon's going back tomorrow morning to give his "sample."  Dr. Bates himself said that he would look at it while Brandon's still there to give him the numbers and if it's adequate to freeze.  Now we just have to pray that the numbers are sufficient enough to freeze and use in a future IUI. 

Dr. Bates was on board with another IUI in December.  Luckily, they are only closed on Christmas Day and New Year's Day.  =)  Now, I'm only on CD6, so I'm hoping that I have a normal cycle.  I ovulated on CD 17 the cycle immediately after my surgery so that's a kinda good sign.  I'm temping this cycle and may invest in a few cheap OPKs to keep me occupied.  Sheri has challenged me to use this cycle to our benefit.  We'll be "trying" this month.  We could be one of those stories where the couple gets prego on their own at home, right?!?  Who knows, I mean, I have a new pretty uterus!

So now we pray.  I'm praying for good sperm tomorrow, a good cycle this month, and 6 frozen sperm popsicles to give me my Christmas present because children are the greatest gift we can receive from God.  

The Duggars are pregnant....AGAIN?!?

So I was having a better day until I saw that the Duggar family having yet another child.  Here I am making appointments for RE consults, acupuncture for both my husband and myself and this 45 year old lady just keeps popping out kids.  Did she mistake her uterus for a clown car??  Seriously!!!  I shouldn't be bitter, but I am.  I don't think that I would ever want to have 20 children, but 2 or 3 would suffice.

A blog reader emailed me yesterday and made my day.  Kayla, you knew I was having a bad day without even knowing me.  Your message turned my day around.  Also, I don't know what I would do without my SIL, Sheri.  Sometimes I think I married Brandon so I would get to have her as my sister!!  She's been my biggest supporter through this entire process.  We've always been close, but I feel like it's brought us even closer and WOW and the conversations we have about fertility.  I mean, to be a fly on the wall during our conversations would be hilarious!!

Brandon's better today.  He said that he just needed a few days to be sad.  I was fine yesterday until my boss made some strange comments about the whole situation that I found rude and disrespectful.  I just let him talk, but kept my distance from him the rest of the day.  At this point in the journey, if you're not going to be positive and supporting of our choices, keep your damn mouth shut.  =)

So, the RE consult is tomorrow at 2:30.  I will update tomorrow afternoon with Dr. Bates's recommendations.  If I don't like what he says, it's off to ART we go!  Also, I have an appointment for acupuncture on Thursday.

Chemical Pregnancy

I talked to my RE and they said that it was most likely a chemical pregnancy.  We're going to plan an appointment for this week to talk about when and how we'll start trying again.  I'm not ready to give up on IUI.  I want to give it one more shot.  Please keep us in your prayers.

I'm not pregnant

We got a couple of what we thought were actual positive pregnancy test results. I tested negative Friday morning and then tested positive Friday evening. I tested positive again yesterday.

I started hurting and bleeding during the game last night. I tested positive again this morning, but am having my period. To say that I'm upset is an understatement. We felt so sure that it was all real. We told our parents and family at the game yesterday because we knew how many people had been praying for us to have a baby.

I've definitely learned my lesson and will never again tell anyone when we think we're pregnant. I'm trying desperately to be ok and not get upset.

Testing out the trigger

The line is even lighter today.  I feel like some of my symptoms are going away.  I don't feel as tired as I have been the past few days.  I'm just going to keep positive these next few days and hope to see a real BFP soon!!

Started testing

So I broke down and bought some pregnancy tests.  I took a cheapie once I got to work and the line is super faint.  The trigger must be leaving my system by now. I'm 7dpiui and 9 days post HCG trigger.  My SIL suggested that I keep testing it out of my system and watch for my BFP.  I'm not sure if I will test or not in the morning.  It's still super early and if I just started feeling implantation, it will take a few days for my body to start producing HCG. 

I had cramps yesterday and today.  Maybe I felt implantation?  So far I haven't had any spotting, but I'm starting to see a slight rise in my BBT.  I don't even know how I'm going to make it through the rest of the week.  The 2WW is terrible!!! 

I upset someone today and I feel terrible.  I've just been so consumed with wanting to start a family.  I don't understand why it has to be so difficult for us and all of the others that suffer from Infertility. FWIW I didn't mean to upset you, Corey.  I just want to experience everything that comes along with motherhood.

Half way through the 2 WW

Someone posted on FB this morning about how they miss their pre-child life.  I couldn't resist myself and had to comment.  I want to be on the other side of adult life.  I want MY baby.  She missed going to the movies and making impromptu trips to WalMart.  Seriously?!?  I want middle of the night feedings, Saturday morning cartoons and arguing about what he/she wants to eat for breakfast.  I want it all. 

I'm starting to get emotional.  My hormones are going crazy.  I still feel sick every time I eat.  I got so hungry last night that I made instant mashed potatoes at 8:30pm.  At least I'm half way through the 2 week wait now.  I'm pretty sure that I will start testing this weekend to watch the Trigger leave my system and then hopefully see a BFP!!

2 WW

Today I'm 4 dpo.  I started temping again too know what's going on.  I have all of the symptoms of pregnancy thanks to the HCG shot.  My stomach gets super upset if I'm hungry, and then I get sick after I eat. =(  Other than that I've felt great and been extremely happy. 

Hopefully I'll find a lot of tasks to keep me busy through the next week to occupy my time.  Here's my list so far:

• My brother's birthday is today (He's 14!).  I have no idea what we're doing yet!
• There's a ladies event at church tomorrow night.  
• The Walking Dead comes on tomorrow and it makes me worry more about Zombies than being pg.
• One of my coworkers is having her gallbladder removed next week so I'm going to try and go see her one evening after work and take her some food. 
• Another PANDORA jewelry event starts next week so I have event planning to worry about.
• Bama vs LSU is next week and I have tickets!
• Next week is November and I MUST get started shopping

After making the list I feel slightly overwhelmed!  Anything is better than obsessing if I'm prego or not.  But Brandon and I do talk to my tummy and tell it to stick and grow (even though implantation has not occurred yet).