HOPE- Tattoo

I got a tattoo today. 

Here's the link to my Facebook album!  I thought it would be easier to direct you there, rather than upload a million pictures.  (I will at some point, but not tonight.)

The tattoo is symbolic of my/our healing process.  It comes from the scripture:

 "As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise You more and more" 

Psalm 71:14.  

God has been the only constant getting me through the past few days.  I am emotional.  My heart is still broken.  I am healing.  BUT I will never be the same again.  God has blessed me in so many ways and I will forever remember all that He has given me. 

Tomorrow would be our beta day.  For those of you who are fertility newbies--that means we would have found out if we were pregnant or not from our IVF attempt.  I "hope" to have a good day tomorrow.  My nerves will be on edge and I'm praying to remember what God has promised me.  It still hurts, and we are both grieving what might have been.  But we have our 6 embryos that we are grateful for.  Please continue to pray for my precious -embryo-frosty-freezer babies-embabies-!

Thank you to all who have supported us through this journey.  It's not easy, but we will never give up.   God will provide in His perfect timing.  God is good all of the time!

Tuesday

Rachel and Clint ate dinner with us last night.  I cooked dinner for the first time in a LONG time.  It was nothing special, but it turned out ok.  Rach is my surrogate daughter. She calls me "Mom."  God provides.  Her and her boyfriend have been together for about two years now I think.  They are such a good couple.  I am proud of them together.  

They remind me of us.  They have fun together (or at least from what I see.)  We have fun when we're all together.  We're all a bunch of goobs!  We watched Family Guy, talked about poop and farts, and everything else in between.  I made B pull the guitar back out and he played a few songs.  I think he may start teaching Clint to play. 

I'm going to start singing at church.  I grew up singing in church, sang in Chamber/Show Choir for three years in high school, and have always loved just singing.  My voice may not be the best, but it's alright.  I hope to work on that.  I sang for Rachel last night, which took a lot of courage for me to open up.

Please, please, please listen to this song.  It's by Ginny Owens and called "If You Want me To." I hope to be able to sing this at church soon.  Singing it without tears will be the problem.  Joy shared this song with me and it has spoken volumes.

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So far I've made it through the day at work.  I've been able to help customers and even helped sell a pendant.  Now I'm exhausted.  I don't know if I'm going to make it the rest if the day, but I am trying.  I packed myself a big bag of snacks!  I didn't want to risk getting dehydrated or hungry.  =)

Busy, Busy Day

I was able to get some sleep this morning after being awake from 4-7am.  My hormones are still all out of whack and I'm having terrible hot flashes while I'm sleeping.  I went back to bed and got up at 9am and got ready from there.  It was nice to put on pretty clothes and have washed hair.

I made a "To Do" list for the day.  It was pretty long.

This was my work space.  Dad's lent me his laptop for the time being.  I'm tired of laying in bed all day.  This was a change of scenery.

My List of things "To Do"

 It's amazing how busy I was today.  I took it easy, but I'm just exhausted!  I've been listening to music all day which always helps.  I was able to cross a lot off the list, but it will take some time.  I've had many "thank you" notes to write.

Rebecca visited with me today.  She brought me lunch and the beautiful flowers pictured below.  I was able to talk with her about my journey and how God has been ever present.  She has her own powerful testimony as well.  Right now, it's just good for me to be around positive people.  It's good for me to share what God is doing in my life, as well as my life with B.

I drove to the grocery store with B for the first time in 10 days.  I think I may be able to drive myself to work tomorrow.  I haven't had pain medicine in days, but my mind is ever foggy/clouded/confused.  I'm sure it will just take time to feel completely like me; however, I was kinda crazy anyways!

My beautiful flowers from Rebecca

I called ART today and have my appointment scheduled with Dr. Allemand for July 10 at 9am.  Of course, B is going to be out of town.  I'm working on finding a buddy to go to the appointment with me.  Going to this type of appointment by yourself isn't a good idea.  It's always better to have two sets of ears listening.  At this appointment we'll be talking about the FET. 

Thank you for the continued support; I need it.

Weekend Recap

It's going to be a long post, but I hope you'll stay with me.

My mind is still recovering from all of the pain medications.  I have some moments where I feel completely alright and others are just weird.  When we first got home on Friday I didn't know what to do.  I was confused.  It was strange to be back home after being in my little hospital room for so many days.

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Dad and I did a lot of cleaning and picking up Friday.  I overdid it, because I get these bursts of energy and then I crash.  The Mackey family brought us a lovely dinner and we spent some time in fellowship.

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On Saturday I knew that I needed to go to Walmart to buy underwear.  I know, right?!?  The laundry has been devouring B's "droors" and I needed some too.  My belly is still kinda sore and not a whole lot of my unmentionables fit.  B helped me get cleaned up and ready and that wore me out!  I was sitting down resting when Dad got here.  We got to Walmart and he got me a buggy mostly for support.  We had two tasks:  underwear and lunch.  We found unmentionables for both B and me and then Dad mentioned needing a case of water.  Well, let me tell you that after being cooped up in a hospital room for 5 days and then being around a bunch of people is crazy.  Going to Walmart was the icing on the cake.  I was overwhelmed.  If you had looked at me it was obvious that I wasn't feeling well.  I started breathing heavily and told Dad that we needed to get out fast.  I had to use the buggy to get back to the truck.  Plus, this Alabama heat hasn't helped much with my recovery from dehydration either.

We got some lunch and headed home.  I ate and took a nap.  The littlest things wear me out! Well, I woke up and my mom was here doing laundry!  She must have washed, dryed, and put up about four or five loads of laundry.  She also cleaned my bathroom and organized under my sink.  She unloaded the dishwasher and picked up the kitchen.  I had no idea that she was coming, and it was a great surprise.

The pastor and his wife brought us dinner Saturday night.  Our faith family has been so supportive.  We have had meals brought to us two nights in a row!

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Yesterday, we went to church and it was amazing.  When we first got there I was very shaky.  It took a lot of energy for me to get ready for church and have my bags packed for the lake later that day.  I was so happy to be with my faith family to worship.  I was finally able to feel free to worship my mighty God.  I had asked Terry, our pastor, if I could get up and say a few words.  I thanked everyone for their continued prayer and support.  I've never spoken in front of our church before.  I don't know how I did it, but He was helping me with the words. 

During church I had a scare where I began spotting.  It's stopped now, but I know that AF will be arriving at some point.  Luckily, Erica was near and able to keep me calm.  It just scared me.  I thought I had done something "in there" by moving around too much.

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After church we headed to the Lake Logan Martin with the Boyington Family to celebrate Gina's birthday.  I got all shaky/nervous once we got there but it wore off.  It was super hot at the lake!  I did put on a bathing suit and get on the big Island float.  B bandaged my place where my catheter was with a waterproof bandaid.  I did my best to keep it from getting wet.  I stayed in the shade and drank plenty of fluids.  I missed not being able to be in the water with everyone else.  After so long I had to go inside.  I got cleaned up and changed and just rested.  I ended up taking a 45 minute nap on the couch because I was so worn out.

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Brandon and I talked a lot in the car.  We have been praying together each evening.  We are also trying to find a bible study to do.  Somehow, we started singing in the car.  We both love singing!  Once we got home, he pulled the guitar out and we sat outside with the dogs.  We pulled out the iPad and put it on the Pandora Edwin McCain station and our song, "I'll Be," came on.  It was our first dance on our wedding day.  We slow danced in the back yard at dusk and it was romantic.  I sang the song to him as we danced.  It was kinda funny because Daisy (our lab/rottie puppy) was trying to dance with us.  Overall, we had  a a great weekend.  It was full.  It was busy.  We are blessed.

 God has blessed Brandon and I with so much.

Recovery

I just wanted to post a quick update. I don't have a lot of time for a detailed post...we're at the lake today celebrating our sister's birthday. Don't worry, I'm taking it easy! This heat here in Alabama is brutal! I've been drinking lots of water and taking breaks inside. I'm still getting winded easy and having some bouts of confusion and emotional outbreaks. Every day is going to get a little bit easier. Thank you again for all of your support.

HOME SWEET HOME

I was released from the hospital today.  Brandon and I arrived home by noon.

Last night we didn't have anyone bringing us dinner up to the hospital so I braved ordering from "room service."  I kept it simple and ordered a personal pepperoni pizza, salad with ranch dressing, and chocolate chip cookies.  While I was waiting on my food to arrive I started feeling extremely tired and hungry.  B opened me up some graham crackers and I ate them, but I then started feeling faint.  Within a few minutes, my meal arrived and I could barely eat.  We reclined my bed back and it took a lot out of me just to eat.  It was such a strange exhausted feeling.  I managed to eat my salad and pizza and then went straight to sleep.  After sleeping for about 25 minutes, my nurse (one of the head nurses) came in to wish me well and she could tell that something was off with me.  We told her what had happened and she said that she believed that my blood pressure had bottomed out.  She told me to be careful getting up after laying down.  As the shift changed and the new nurse took my blood  pressure, it mysteriously went up and was elevated.  Go Figure! We already knew that I was an odd bird.  HeeHee

There was nothing worth watching on tv, so I chose to watch Fireproof.  If you haven't seen this movie, I highly recommend it!

I had a hard time sleeping last night. I spent a lot of time in prayer for the most part.

This morning, we had to wait a little while for Dr. Allemand to finish between surgeries to come in and give us our update. All of my labwork from today looked GREAT.  I told him that I was nervous about having the catheter removed, so he asked if I would rather him do it.  Of course I said yes.  Within less than five minutes, it was out and I was giving him a big hug.  We have been greatly blessed by having such a great doctor.

 It took no time at all for us to be discharged.  I am glad to be at home.  Paula, Mackey, and Nicole brought us dinner tonight. Once I got home I had to clear the table of all of my fertility drugs.  I thought I was ok, but I broke down and cried HARD once I saw all of it.  Dad and Brandon both helped me organize everything and put it in a box.  We'll be needing those Progesterone shots soon enough with our upcoming FET.

I have so much more that I want to say right now, but I'm so tired.  My body is still aching all over.  Thank you for reading.

Day 4 in the Hospital

I can't believe that I've been in the hospital for four days.

Last night was rough to say the least.  I've started getting itchy from all of the Lortab that I've been taking.  They gave me Benadryl yesterday because I was clawing myself to death.  Well...  let's just say that

Benadryl + Lortab + Courtney= disaster

My evening nurse came in around 9:30pm to give me my evening Lortab and Valium.  I was only asleep about two hours when I awoke terrified from a nightmare.  My nurse happened to be in the room and calmed me down and gave me a glass of water.  I went back to sleep and awoke again about an hour later.  This time I was freaking out.  I was panicked.  I made Brandon wake up and sit with me.  I couldn't explain it, but I was terrified.  He prayed with me and I was then able to go back to sleep.  That only lasted about another hour.  I woke up this time nauseated.  I hit the call button for the nurse and told her that I was having trouble sleeping.  At this point, I had taken 2 Lortab 7.5s and a Valium.  There is no reason why I should have been awake!

My evening nurse is so amazing.  She could tell that I was rattled and just needed to walk around.  She helped me get dressed, unhooked my IV, and walked with me to the nurse's station.  She and the other night nurses talked to me until I couldn't stand up anymore.  When we returned to my room, it was time for more pain meds.  My nausea and dizziness was getting worse so she gave me Phenergan too.  I slept soundly the rest of the night.  I was so tired.  Brandon and I have kept our usual schedule and been waking up around 6:30-7am the previous mornings.  We both slept until about 8am this morning.  The nurses came in to get my vitals, but I was delirious.  When Dr. Allemand came in, we actually woke up!

Here were my questions for him along with his responses:

• I've had trouble emptying my bladder completely, but he assured me that was normal after OHSS
• My nausea has returned.  He told me that the symptoms of OHSS would continue to come and go.  It doesn't just disappear.

He allowed the nurses to completely disconnect me from my IV today!  He said that my blood work looked good as well.  My potassium was lower today while my calcium was higher than yesterday.  He said that my body would regulate that on it's own.  Dr. Allemand's plan is for me to go home tomorrow.  I'm so excited!  =)  He said that it's going to be a few days before I'm feeling back completely normal.  They will remove my catheter tomorrow and he said I have more fluid build back up afterward, but nothing like how it was previously.

I am just so excited to be going home tomorrow. Cabin Fever has set in and I've not been able to get much rest today.  Every time I fell asleep, someone came in to check my vitals, or one of our phones rang!  Brandon and I have both been so blessed by everyone's kind messages, calls, and visits.  We appreciate it.

I'd like to make a blanket apology for any of the typos/grammatical errors in any of the past posts and the future ones due to my lack of rest and medicine intake.  Thank you for reading.  Thank you for supporting me through one of the lower parts of our journey. 

Day 3 at the Hospital

My days feel like they're starting to run together.  I feel like I've been here much longer than three days. 

One of our associate pastors at church (Larry) stopped by to check in on us last night.  I know that God told him to come and visit us when he did.  He talked to us about how difficult our journey through infertility has been.  He asked us questions that no one else has ever asked us before.  He actually asked us about all of the unsolicited advice we receive.  He mentioned how people often don't know what to say, so they say condescending things like "it will happen when it happens," or "it's a part of God's plan." Brandon and I were able to let off some much needed steam talking to him.  Last night was also the first time we let our guards down and and cried about our current situation.  We have both been trying to stay strong for each other.  Last night we both let go.

Brandon and I were both so hopeful for this IVF attempt.  For the most part, everything went as well as could be expected up until time for the embryo transfer.  The past few days have been so difficult for me because many people haven't truly understood how we feel.  So many people actually thought we were just postponing the transfer a few days.  (You CANNOT do that.  Embryos must be transferred at either day 3 or day 5-after that they must be frozen.) So many individuals are clueless about anything relating to infertility.  Also, I don't think that everyone has understood the severity of  my situation.  Yes, I knew all of the risks involved when we started the process of IVF.  I was counselled about OHSS, but did not think it would happen to me.  Everyone thinks that they're invincible.   It usually only affects 10% of women undergoing fertility treatment.  If you saw me in the days leading up to our scheduled transfer, it was written all over my face how much pain I was going through.  I could barely sleep at night.  I couldn't get up out of bed or even walk without someone holding on to me.  This has been the worst pain that I've ever endured, both emotionally and physically.  If you have not ridden the roller coaster of emotions that infertility takes you on, then you will not understand.  We waited and waited and waited to start this cycle.  Now we are back to waiting.  Healing, waiting, and preparing for another cycle. 

Dr. Allemand stopped by this morning to check on me.  I know that everyone is partial to their own doctor, but I am crazy about mine.  It lifted my spirits seeing him (as well as Kayla stopping by). He said that my white blood count and hemoglobin is looking much better.  My calcium is still low, but this is normal with cases of OHSS.  He was still upset about Radiology's neglect in getting my catheter placed in a timely manner.  He assured me that we would be able to go home before the weekend.  He's reduced my IV fluids, but I'm still pretty dehydrated.  All of my fluid intake had been going straight to my stomach. My catheter bag has slowed, but is still draining. My belly is still swollen, but is nothing like it was before.  Now it looks like it did when I was stimming.  In retrospect, I should have taken a picture of my stomach each day.  The thought never occurred to me because I felt so terrible.  I'm hoping that they will weigh me later on today.  I have also started Lovenox injections to prevent blood clots.  I'm no longer wearing the pressure cuffs on my legs, but I'm apparently still at risk for developing clots. 

I will continue to glorify God no matter the circumstance.  Things could have been much worse than they truly are.  I can do all things with Him.  Without God, we would have never gotten as far as we did in the IVF process.  He provided in every aspect of the situation.  He is my source of strength.  When I am weak He is strong.  He is the only reason that I am able to make myself get up out of this hospital bed and try to feel better.

Pigtail Catheter- OHSS

They put a pigtail catheter into my right side early this afternoon.  They only gave me a local anesthetic before jabbing the tube inside me.  It was anything but pleasant.  They've emptied the bag attached six times already.  It's crazy how much fluid was in my belly.  My tummy is still tender to touch, but it's not as swollen as it was previously.  I'm hoping that I'll be able to go home on Thursday.

I've been sneaking naps in whenever possible.  Brandon's got his iPad and laptop with him, so he's been able to work today.  Dad hung around for the majority of the day, and Liz stopped by with two different soups for me from Panera.  It's amazing how I could be so tired from doing nothing.  I can't believe that I made it five days at home before being admitted to the hospital.  I was in so much pain.  It still hurts when I get up to go to the bathroom.  Now I have to hold onto my belly drip bag each time I get up!  I'm not sure when I'll feel like my old self again.

There's been a lot of confusion from people about when we will transfer our embryos (this being from those who don't know much about infertility.)  Because I was admitted to the hospital having all the fluid in my belly, it made an embryo transfer impossible right now.  Our six embryos are now frozen and waiting for us to attempt a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) at a later date.  Dr. Allemand stressed that we only needed one break cycle for my body to heal.  From there, I'm not sure when we'll attempt a FET.  Brandon seems to be leaving it up to me.  To quote him, he said that "he's not the one having to take all of the injections."

It hit me today how upset I am about this cycle ending the way it did.  No, I couldn't have done anything differently to combat OHSS.  Everything else about our IVF cycle was perfect.  I responded well to the stimulation injections and produced many eggs.  We ended up with great embryos as well.  We were both excited and ready to get pregnant.  It just hurts our hearts that we have to wait again.  We've grown especially accustomed to waiting when it comes to getting pregnant.  We do know that God has a plan for us and a special child waiting.  Until it's time for us to begin trying again, I will focus more on Him and His plan.  I know that the next few months are going to be hard for me.  I never anticipated getting this far into our IVF cycle to have to postpone our Embryo Transfer.

What is OHSS?

Over the past few day, many people have asked me questions about Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome, or OHSS for short. I guess I should have explained this better before now. I know that many of you ladies in the fertilty community know what I'm talking about, but my friends in real life have been "in the dark."

 OHSS affects 10% of women undergoing fertility treatments. Some of the risk factors are being under 35, having a high estrogen level at the time of retrieval, and having PCOS. I don't have PCOS, but I hit the other two markers. I'm going to try and explain this as easily as possible. Please stay with me (the nurses woke me up once an hour last night and I can no longer sleep).

 After the eggs are retrieved, the follicles (that once contained the eggs) fill back up with fluid. With OHSS, the fluid then leaks out of the follicles into the belly. Some of the milder symptoms are abdominal bloating, mild pain in the abdomen, and slight weight gain. I only had these symptoms for the first few days after retrieval. Some of the more severe symptoms are decreased urination, shortness of breath, and intense pain and swelling in the abdomen. I was doing everything I could think of to stay one step ahead of OHSS. We kept my feet propped, I drank plenty of water and Gatorade, and I tried to increase my protein intake. Dr. Allemand said OHSS was bound to happen due to the high number of eggs aspirated combined with my high estrogen level. I have been in pain ever since my egg retrieval. Part of me thought I was just a pansy. The other part thought all that I was feeling was normal. The pain seemed to get worse at night. I was having trouble getting up by myself, and found myself out of breath just walking across the house. The car ride to the clinic yesterday was awful. I thought I was going to be sick the entire ride. I was jittery waiting on my name to be called in the waiting room. After getting changed into my hospital gown, Brandi (best nurse ever) gave me a Valium to calm my nerves because we still thought the transfer was happening at that point. It was apparent to her how much pain I was in. I don't know how I made it as long as I did.

 Once I got in my hospital room, they gave me two Lortabs. I felt much better once they began taking effect. I'm taking two now every four hours. They have me hooked up to an IV with fluids because I've been so dehydrated. They have to monitor my urine and weight each day now. They are also giving me phenergan to combat the nausea. I actually got some sleep last night, but they come in to check on me almost once an hour so I'm still groggy.

Brandon has been great through all of this. He is always calm in these types of situations. He's hurt and upset too that we weren't able to do the transfer, but agrees that we need me healthy first. Dad and Peggy came with us yesterday for the transfer, so they were able to go back to the house and pack us a little bag with a few things to keep us comfortable. We hadn't even been in the room five minutes, when our pastor, Terry, showed up. He sat with us for a short time and prayed with us before he left. My Mom drove from Tuscalosa and stayed for a while. Joy came by too and brought a large bag of snacks! There's also a lot of people who said they are stopping by today. Brandon and I have felt all of your prayers and love.

I will update later once my catheter is placed in my belly. I'm scared (y'all know about my fear of needles). I don't know how long we'll be here in the hospital. I apologise for the length of this post and any gramatical errors. They just gave me another sose of medicine. =)