My day is filled now with napping, snuggles, breast feeding, pumping, and diapers. I am absolutely in love with my daughter, but I am also exhausted.
Saturday was our first day without any visitors since sweet Ellie's birth- that's right, we had 18 days straight of people visiting. Overwhelmed doesn't even describe it.
Because I've shared everything here in the past, it's only fair to note that I'm struggling with PPD. I knew very little about it before I had Elliana. I thought that my life would just be perfect and filled with non-stop joy once she arrived. Add a rough recovery plus too many visitors along with my crazy hormones and past infertility history and its just the right combination for PPD. I was uneasy about sharing this because of my past infertility struggle. Being a mother is a great gift, but I often find myself so anxious and overwhelmed. I see her growing and changing each day and I'm reminded of what it took to have her. What if I blink and she's grown up? The slightest little thing sets me off into a rage of tears. Brandon has been so strong for me. When I find myself feeling like a bad mother because I can't get Ellie to stop crying he's right there reassuring me. Our sweet baby has such a hard time burping that she has awful tummy aches that make me cry seeing her hurt.
I've always hated the statement that nothing prepares you for parenthood, but it's true. I often feel like I have no idea what I'm doing until instinct takes over. I just know that I could be feeling even worse if Brandon wasn't so supportive and willing to help.
So again, I'm sorry about the lack of posts lately. I'm still here, I just don't always know how to put into words how I'm feeling--- yes that's right, me at a loss for words. ;-)
I felt a lot of the same things--anxious and overwhelmed and like a bad mom when I couldn't get D to stop crying. I went through a phase where he felt like a job more than something I loved. This was SO hard for me. When I finally opened up to DH about it, I realized that he'd felt similar. I felt so ashamed of myself for the way I was feeling. I hope that it helps you to put this out there and talk about it. That's when I stopped feeling like a failure or like something was wrong with me and realized it was normal.
ReplyDeleteI'm praying for you, as always.
Oh my, that's a lot of visitors. It's very understandable that you would be overwhelmed. You have nothing to apologize for in regards to blogging. We all understand how much you have going on and we are all here for when you DO post. Take care of yourself and lean on your hubby during this time. Take it one day at a time. :)
ReplyDeleteI remember feeling so guilty suffering with PPD b/c I was so happy to have my sweet boy. But once you get medicated, you see that what you were feeling, you really don't have to feel. It's hormones, its not your real self. It will get better! And I assure you that it doesn't discount how blessed you feel to have your sweet miracle! I had such a hard time pumping when I went back to work and I remember feeling that if I couldn't give him milk, what good was I. THat was when I finally got some medicine!
ReplyDeleteThat has got to be rough watching your child suffer with pain and not being able to relieve it. Hoping that the burping gets easier.
ReplyDeleteYou just take time and fall into the new mommy phase with your beautiful little girl. I will be here for you :)
ReplyDeleteLove you so much! I know you are a WONDERFUL mommy. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. Please know that I'm here and want to do something for you, whatever you want/need!
ReplyDeleteTake your time... Also, postpartum anxiety is real too. It isn't talked about as often as PPD, but many women who have dealt with IF also deal with PPD/A. Talk to you dr if you need to. There is nothing to be ashamed of. You are not alone. I am praying for you my friend!
ReplyDeleteI think it's so brave of you to be so open and honest. I guarantee there is someone out there who you will touch because of all of this. Please don't stop doing what you're doing. I know when I first had my babies, reading another mother feeling the same things as I was or going through the same issues as I did would have made all the difference in the world.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry to hear about PPD. Stay strong!!
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