Random Thoughts- LONG post :-)

There's so much advice that people give you while you're pregnant.  The one thing that I heard over and over again was "sleep while the baby sleeps."  As much as I heard this, I would just shake my head and smile.  Wow... you hear that over and over again so you know that it's acceptable to sleep while the baby sleeps!  I have to say that I love my nap(s) during the day.

Postpartum Depression (PPD) blows!  Every day is still a battle for me.  I absolutely love my sweet angel, Elliana, but my hormones are crazy.  I still have bouts of anxiety in certain situations and I can feel the weight of the world on my chest.  I'm so lucky to have an understanding husband.  After all that he's went through in his own life, he has never even struggled with depression.  He gets that I'm not just sad, but it's an imbalance with me.  My mind is so fuzzy, but I'd guess that I've been on my medication for about two weeks now.  Dr. McKenzie did tell me that it would take about four weeks to feel more back to myself.  I have moments where I feel like me again, but they don't last long enough!  I know it may be hard for my readers who have underwent infertility treatment and who are still battling to read about my depression.  Please don't mistake my hormones for not enjoying motherhood.  Ellie is no cake walk, but when I see those precious sleep smiles and I can comfort her crying I know that everything I endured is worth it.

Holy Hot Flashes!  I thought I had experienced hot flashes while on fertility meds, but I had NO IDEA!  I still sleep on a towel each evening because I sweat so much.  During the day I stay cold.  Makes absolutely no sense at all!  It's so hard to take a shower during the day if Brandon isn't around because I still feel bad if I'm not watching the baby every second of the day.  I'm trying to reassure myself that I can lay her down in her bouncy seat, swing, or in the floor and walk away for a few minutes and it be ok.

I'm almost four weeks postpartum and I'm still having some bleeding.  My bladder is a little bit better each week.  I've noticed a lot of nerve regrowth resulting in more pain. =(  It hurts every single time I teetee in the potty.  I know for a fact I don't have a bladder infection because I had the same feeling when I saw the doctor last and they checked.  My episiotomy is still open by my rectum.  I don't expect it to be fully closed for a few more weeks.  I had a serious cut and I can't expect it to just be completely healed over night.  As for the rest of the cut near my *ahem* hooha, it's completely healed but I can still feel the stitches.  Let's just say that I'm glad the Sneakers and I are such good friends because intimacy is completely out of the question for me for a while.  I just can't see myself being cleared for that by 6 weeks unless a lot more healing starts quickly.

Breastfeeding isn't really that bad, at least for me.  I have a great supply.  I did have sore nipples at first, but it went away.  Ellie has a great latch, but she's recently started pulling away while latched.  I swear I'm going to remember this when she gets her first spanking!!  ;-)  It hurts terribly when she does it and I need to find a way to teach her not to do it.  Maybe make a loud noise or something?  Anywho, I pump after most feedings if I can get Ellie asleep.  I try to freeze at least 5 oz a day and have at least one bottle in the fridge.  Brandon is giving her a bottle at least once a day.  We've not really experimented with many bottles, but Dr. Brown's are the best for us.  We used the Avent bottle and baby girl doesn't like it.  We got a Similac bottle for free with something and she doesn't like it either.  I think they both leaked.  They were "slow flow" but still came out too fast.  The Dr. Brown's is awesome- especially when you remember the blue filter funnel thingy!

We've already had our first diaper rash and Desitin works great!  We tried Boudreaux But Paste and it didn't touch the redness.  I saw a dramatic difference after one application of the Desitin.  My mom also mentioned giving her a break from the wipes when she's irritated and just use a wash cloth.

Brandon and I saw Man of Steel on Friday night and my mom kept Ellie for us.  It was our first date away from her.  I had so much anxiety about being away from her but it was great for us.  I had my hand pump with me and had to use it during the movie because I felt full!  Thankfully I always take a blanket to movies so I was able to pump without anyone noticing!  We also went to dinner and got home to find her sleeping soundly.  Mom stayed the night and took the first "shift" so we could rest.  Since Ellie has stopped waking for her 11 pm feeding, so we're getting a couple more hours of solid sleep.  Praise the Lord!

For the first three weeks, no one fed Ellie but Brandon and myself.  I obviously breastfed her and Brandon gave her bottles.  Since Mom stayed with her for our date she gave the baby a bottle and then Dad fed her the following day on the way to the lake.  I wish we could have kept feeding with Mom and Dad for a little bit longer, but I don't plan on letting just anyone feed her.  She's got such a sensitive tummy it causes some of my anxiety.

I feel like there's so much that I'm leaving out.  Ellie is a handful.  There's no other way to describe it!  Brandon and I are about 95% sure she has colic because she will scream and we cannot console her.  Well, I can calm her down by breastfeeding, but she just pacifies on me.  I can only get her to take a pacifier if I offer my breast first and then sneak it away to replace with the passy.

As I get back into my groove I plan on blogging much more.  I miss writing so much.  I just have to prioritize my time now when I have moments where she's not crying.

If you stayed with me this long, thank you.  I feel better writing already. :-)