part 4

"You've got to BELIEVE the words that you're saying"

(Mark Lollar said that during On Fire practice)

I still have the notepad that I scribbled on that night in the hospital.  It stays with me wherever I go.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next morning I told Brandon about my vision from God.  Thankfully he didn't see me as crazy.  Dr. Allemand stopped by that morning to take out my catheter and release me from the hospital.  I shared my prophecy with him and he was moved as well.

BUT, God didn't stop with just a vision of me holding my child.  I told you I had more to say. . .

After seeing my child I was so happy.  Honestly, happy cannot even describe what I felt at that moment.  But it didn't end there.  Again, there was no audible voice, but God revealed that I've not been doing enough.  I've been writing this blog for quite some time now, but He wants me to do more.  This is my ministry.  This what I'm supposed to do.  God wants me to help MORE people that are having fertility struggles.  He wants me stretch out of my comfort zone and begin helping at a local level.  (After He revealed this I had no idea where to start.)

I recently started "counting my blessings."  It started  (partially) in response to Mackey's Sunday School lesson on July 15.

He asked us the question, "What is a blessing from God?"  

Being only a few weeks away from my struggle with OHSS, I realized that not all blessings are always good.  ("Sometimes God's blessing comes as disguised pain.")  Also, after I was back at work, God kept sending me people.  Since I've been back to work, I have discussed infertility (or any subject relating) with someone EACH and EVERY day.  I knew that I had to keep up with this.  My journal of daily blessings has been a great reminder of all of the good things, along with the people I meet.

God has provided us with many opportunities to talk about how He has blessed us.  It took quite some time for us to get here.  For most of our journey, we have been angry, sad, and bitter.  The past two years have been difficult, but we will continue to praise Him for all that He has given. I believe that He chose this path and fully intended for us to share our story.

What God Revealed to Me
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

part 3

Peace

I felt a Holy, friendly, and comforting presence.
Peace overwhelmed me.  

At that moment, I heard a baby's cry.
*Let me further explain that there were NO children or babies anywhere on the second floor of Brookwood Hospital on June 28 at 11:55pm.*

When I closed my eyes, God revealed a visual prophecy to me.  I was in a hospital gown holding our baby in my arms.  I heard our baby cry.  This moment was completely lucid.  Before this, I had been in prayer for at least an hour.  In this prophecy, I could not see Brandon, but could sense his presence and hear the smile in his voice.  The baby was swaddled in my arms.  I feel like I was looking down at my son.  He was so beautiful and had the darkest brown eyes.  It was so vivid and the image will forever be burned into my memory.

When I close my eyes even now I can see the image.  I've wished that I was skilled enough to sketch the image burned into my mind, but I am no artist.

Afterward, I grabbed a pen and notepad and scribbled down every last detail that I could think of.  I feared that no one would believe me, including Brandon.

Furthermore, God spoke to me.  There was no audible voice, but he put the words into my head.  I'll talk more about that in a minute. 

That night I was so excited that I could barely sleep.  The next morning and waited patiently for Brandon to wake up so I could share with him.

What God Revealed to Me
Part 1
Part 2

part 2

"Sometimes God's Blessing Comes as Disguised Pain" 

(Pastor Terry Hill quoted the above statement in one of his sermons)

In my life, I've been lucky to live pain-free for the most part.  I've always been terrified of needles, but I've gotten over that in the past year.  My stomach has always had issues, but it's uncomfortable- not painful.  I've suffered with pelvic pain issues, but it's nothing that's constant.

OHSS caused me constant pain.  I began having symptoms immediately after the Egg Retrieval.  It was intense bloating/hurting pain.  I ended up having breathing trouble.  Many people saw me in the five days afterward and could not believe how much my stomach had grown.  By Monday I promise you that I looked roughly 6 months pregnant.  Those five days seem like someone else lived them.  I cannot believe that I endured what I did.  I was miserable and could barely walk, much less move around without feeling terrible.  God must have had a guard of angels with me throughout those five days just carrying me.

When I showed up that Monday for my tentative Embryo Transfer (actual hospital admission), they immediately saw my pain and gave me Valium.  I was hurting, nauseated, having hot flashes, and just plain nervous.  I knew that I would be admitted to the hospital.

While in the hospital, my pain levels were regulated by much medication, which made me either exhausted or wired.  Because the nurses checked on me so often, I had trouble sleeping at night.  Also, the pigtail catheter in my right side had me terrified of making any sudden movements.  Getting comfortable was extremely difficult!  If I laid the wrong way, I would feel pain at the catheter site.

I would also wake up when any of my medications began to wear off.  On my IVF #1 page, I listed each medication that I was given (daily).  Someone was checking on me every four hours to give me something else to take.  Once the pigtail catheter was inserted I began having less pain from OHSS, but then had pain/burning at the catheter site.  While I had trouble sleeping, I would update my blog, watch movies, and pray.

On my last night in the hospital, I was having a hard time going to sleep . . .

At this point, all of my pain medication had worn off . . .

Previous linked posts:
What God Revealed to Me
Part 1

part 1

When You've Hit Rock Bottom

Going through any type of trial is difficult.  We are all faced with struggles in our lifetime.  I'm sure that in twenty years, I'll look back on these days and realize that . . . . ( I lack the words to complete this sentence.)

The past two years have been ___________ (you fill in the blank) difficult, trying, heartbreaking, depressing, sad, angry, etc.

Throughout our time trying to conceive, I have chronicled the vast array of emotions that I have felt here on my blog.  Going through fertility treatment is often compared to roller coaster ride.  Brandon and I have both felt many highs and lows emotionally along the way.  I often feel like I'm running a never-ending marathon.

Our experience with IVF was uneventful up until the Egg Retrieval and Embryo Transfer.  Let me tell you that I never wanted to experience everything that IVF had to offer- meaning Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome.  Before June, I had never stayed in the hospital overnight, much less five days.

While Brandon and I were stuck at the hospital, we received many visitors, calls, texts, and emails.  Our experience in the hospital was great in terms of the support that we received.  It helped me to have visitors stop in; it made the day pass quickly.

Being hospitalized was an awful experience, but I didn't fully feel it's impact until I was back home.  I cried like a baby once I saw the kitchen table full of my injection supplies.  It's strange that I had no tears in the hospital, but cried a LOT once back home.  Maybe it was because I had been so dehydrated.

Previous linked post:
What God Revealed to Me

Random-Off Day-Zombies

Thank you for all of the support on yesterday's blog post What God Revealed to Me.  There are four more entries that I am planning to post throughout the course of this week and the next.

I'm off today and have no doctor's appointment!  My favorite weeks are the ones WITHOUT appointments.   =) (For the past year or so, I've spent most of my days off at the fertility clinic).  Yes, they're trying to get me prego, but it becomes tiring spending so much time there-haha.  I've already went grocery shopping, put up the groceries, and finished a load of laundry!  It's starting out to be a great day.

I said this post was random ...
I had an extremely realistic dream about zombies last night.  It's like I was in The Walking Dead!  (One of our FAVORITE shows as well as my FAVORITE graphic novel)  I guess it wasn't exactly realistic because the zombies had the ability to talk.  Well, zombies aren't real, so it wasn't realistic, but you get my point. =)

Jennifer posted this on my Facebook timeline yesterday! 

Follow me on Twitter
@Mrs_Sneakers
(for more TTC humor, random crazy pictures from work, and zombies!)

I hope that everyone has a lovely Wednesday!  

What God Revealed to Me. . .

God has laid some stuff on my heart.  There is no other way to put it.

*The next few blog posts from me are going to be deep, personal, and spiritual.*

I am toying with the idea of disallowing comments on the following posts.  What do you think?  If I choose to do that, I will include my email address for comments to be sent there.  I have never not allowed comments before. . .

I have always wanted to keep my blog open and personal, and it has been killing me to keep the rest of my "hospital story" from my readers.  I have shared this story with some of our family, along with our friends and faith family.  So many people who know me "in real life" read my blog now!  I am sharing my "hospital story" this Sunday in ReCharge  (our Sunday School class) and I hope that it spreads from there.

There are four more posts (and counting) in response to this prologue.

"Dumbing Down the Scripture"

(the title of this post is quoted from Beverly)

We talked a few Sundays (in ReCharge-led by Shannon) ago about things people say when they don't know what else to say.  Many remarks are made in sad, hopeless, desperate situations.  The death of a parent, sibling, child, or loved one can be awful.  The loss of a job, bad week, or anything negative can bring you down.  Often, we seek aid from others in these situations, and are heartbroken at the responses received.
"Everything happens for a reason" and "God has a plan" are often the first responses people think to say.  Another is the ever famous "God will only give you what you can handle and no more."

When you're in the middle of a difficult situation, honestly, nothing said is going to make you feel better.  If you choose to seek help from others, be prepared for the rehearsed responses that you will receive.  For me, a simple "I'm sorry" accompanied with a big hug always makes me feel a little better.

But, in Recharge that Sunday, we talked about better responses to have in those difficult situations.  With the previous statements, we are "dumbing down the scripture" (to quote Beverly).  When we are offering advice, we should be armed with the Word of God.

• Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you.  But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. 1 Peter 4:12-13 NIV
• Friends, when life gets really difficult, don't jump to the conclusion that God isn't on the job.  Instead, be glad that you are in the very thick of what Christ experienced.  This is a spiritual refining process, with glory just around the corner. 1 Peter 4:12-13 The Message 
• The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still. Exodus 14:14 NIV
• God will fight the battle for you.  And you? You keep your mouths shut! Exodus 14:14 The Message 
• As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more. Psalm 71:14 NIV 

I feel that the above verses are more eloquently scripted than anything I could come up with.  So often, people ask me for advice.  I struggle so much with the right words to say -We all do.

I know that so many of you who know us in real life have often struggled with finding the right words to say in our struggling scenarios.  We've heard many variations of "everything happens for a reason" and "it will happen."  I know that Brandon and I are not the only ones who hear things like this.  There are so many sad situations in which people have no idea what to say.  We are always thankful and receptive to any kind words that you have to offer  We will never "call you out" on your advice.  If we don't like your advice, we will most likely tell you. (haha)  But do know that we respect and look for your advice and understanding in our situation.  And when you don't know what to say, we never forget all of the "I'm sorry," "I just don't understand why," and hugs that you give us when we're down.

*( I know that I've used the quoted statements thinking that I was helping before.  I aim to never use those statements as advice again.  If you have ever said any of the quoted statements to either of us in the past, please don't think that we remember.  Chances are, we don't.  Also, please don't think that I'm aiming this at you either.  I just hope that I can learn to use better words along with scripture when helping others.)

TGIF

It must be the progesterone injection working and AF approaching, because I've been in a TERRIBLE mood!  I crawled in bed at 7:30 last night after inhaling my dinner.  Today cannot end quick enough for me.  PMS and AF are making me one crazy, hungry, grumpy lady! 

I hope everyone has a GREAT weekend and steers clear of me! =)

Last Night's Injection

We chose to move forward and do the Progesterone in Oil injection last night.

It filled the entire syringe

I know a few of you thought it would be sweet for us to transfer on Brandon's birthday, but we didn't see it that way.  My past two birthdays, as well as our past two wedding anniversaries (along with many other events)  have been consumed with fertility treatment.  I had surgery the week after his birthday last year.  

We chose this path, but it is exhausting and often rules our lives.  I don't want it to seem like I'm complaining, because I'm not.  Just the thought a fertility event taking away my husband's birthday made me sad.  

God's plan will unhold as He sees fit.  

Again?!?
My husband is hilarious! 
 The Batman gave me an injection last night!! 
(Let the hot flashes and cramps begin!!!!!!!)

Today's Appointment

This morning's appointment was pretty uneventful.  They did blood work and an ultrasound.  Laura went with me and I'm glad she was there.  She held my hand during the ultrasound part which typically causes me some pain.  On the ultrasound they saw a corpus luteum cyst which indicated ovulation (this is good).  They've already left word on my patient voicemail with my lab results:

• estradiol 42.9
• p4 10.9

The nurse gave me two options:  

A)  wait for AF to arrive on her own

B)  administer 3cc Progesterone-in-Oil Injection to ensure AF arrives on time.

At this point, I haven't talked to Brandon, but if I wait for AF (with no medicine) it will have our FET occurring on his birthday/ first day of football season.  

On a lighter note... here are a few random pictures from the day.

I love to plan! 

Rachel

Randal

Randal and one of the many collages I have made her

Zombie - Creep