Sunday, February 23, 2014
I was diagnosed with PPD within weeks of having our daughter. Guilt. Anxiety. Panic Attacks. Anger. Exhaustion. Helplessness. Each day is still a battle for me.
Sweet Elliana had some serious fourth trimester issues, nasty acid reflux, and a touch of colic. Our sweet girl did not sleep through the night until she was past six months old. I swore that I would never bedshare, but that adorable angel slept on her Daddy's chest or in my arms for the first four months of her life. While she was supposed to be nursing every three to four hours, she was crying to be fed every two. She was feisty to say the least.
Now she's nine months old. Ellie has been sleeping through the night for about two months now. We had an ear infection last week and it's disrupted our sleep some, but we can get back on track soon.
I wish I could speak differently about the depression that haunts me. Motherhood is all that I've ever wanted. For the two years that we struggled to conceive I promised myself that I would enjoy each and every little moment with my children. PPD has stolen so many of these moments from me. My anxiety is ridiculous. I've only recently begun to leave Elliana in the church nursery during service. Between Brandon and myself we probably check on her six times during a 45 minute sermon. Other than Sunday mornings and Wednesday evenings, I'm never away from her. Part of me wants some time on my own, but the other gets nervous at the very thought.
I've stepped away from my blog for some time now because I haven't known what to write about. I haven't wanted to complain, but I now truly realize what PPD has stolen from me. I'm trying to simplify my days and not let having dishes in the sink make or break my day. Elliana and I are finding more activities to do together to keep us out of the house! So look for more posts about our adventures together.