Nervous

Mommy is so nervous right now.  Last night, I feared that I would lose you.  I hope and pray that the doctor's know what's wrong this morning.  Mommy and Daddy already love you so much.  Please, stay tucked in tight, Baby Sneakers.

Anxious for tomorrow

Tomorrow's the big day... We'll find out if we're moving forward with this cycle.  I feel prepared for any scenario.  Of course, I hope that everything will look great and we'll schedule our embryo transfer for next Thursday!

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.  We know that God has perfect timing, but we would appreciate prayers for calmed nerves and peace.

TGIF

It must be the progesterone injection working and AF approaching, because I've been in a TERRIBLE mood!  I crawled in bed at 7:30 last night after inhaling my dinner.  Today cannot end quick enough for me.  PMS and AF are making me one crazy, hungry, grumpy lady! 

I hope everyone has a GREAT weekend and steers clear of me! =)

Breakdown

The title says it all.  It happened last night.  I fell apart.  Overwhelmed is the only way to express how I feel.

After work, we went to dinner with Rachel & Clint.  It was a good distraction from my emotions.  We had a great meal at Olive Garden, and we talked about all kinds of things.  B and I enjoy our time with them!  Once we got home, it hit me how tired I had been feeling all day.  I realized that I have not slowed down since I got out of the hospital.  I've felt so busy at home and work.  My boss reiterated that I'm in a marathon that cannot be won in a day.  Brandon and I talked for a while last night and he prayed over me before we went to sleep.  I cried so much last night that I still have bags under my eyes even now.

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Today I woke up trying to make it a good day.  I called Brookwood asking more about the nurses who took care of me.  The girl who I spoke with is also a patient of Dr. Allemand.  She has Stage III Endometriosis and needs another surgery (to remove the endo) before they can attempt an IUI.  She will need injectable medications for her IUI and I hope that it will work out that I can help her by donating my unused Follistim.  It's amazing how God works!

Sarah and I went shopping today and I was able to go ahead and get some shopping done for Christmas.  If I don't get started now, there's no way that we'll be able to afford buying for our family and friends.

Sarah with one of the shirts on sale!

I purchased 16 Christmas gifts today; some were got multiple gifts for the same person.  

I also bought some things for myself!

Here is a shot of the Christmas gift items I purchased!

Also, we all have a love affair with Lilly Pulitzer at work!  

My calendar just arrived!  I was super excited.  

Here is a picture of me with mine and then one of Jenna and myself posing.

And Rachel had to mess around with the camera, so here's a picture of her goofing around.  =)

It may not look like I'm having a hard time in these pictures, but retail therapy and prayer does wonders.  I am surrounded by such great people.  

Suppression Check Passed

We had our suppression check this morning.  Great News: 

I PASSED!

Overall, it was a quick appointment today.  They did the necessary bloodwork and sent me for my ultrasound.  My cyst was still evident on the screen, but it had shrunk in size to 1.6cm.  (Previously, it measured 2.35cm).

Our NP gave me 1200IU of Follistim that had been saved for me since my cancelled cycle in January.  We have not been actively TTC since January.  Wow!  It just occurred to me that it's been that long since we were cycling.  I have no idea how I have made it this long.  And here goes my crazy lady Lupron rant:

Since January I have definitely received much unwanted and unwarranted advice.  I am glad that I chose to make my journey public, but sometimes I wish that people would stop trying to give us advice.  Don't get me wrong, I love when people talk to us about overcoming infertility.  I met a lady from church last week who introduced me to her twins conceived via IUI.  I knew that those two boys were truly a miracle!  Lately, people automatically assume that I'm just distraught; or that I need to relax.  Surprisingly enough, I think that I've been as relaxed as possible.  Yes, I want a baby more than anything.  BUT if I have to hear "in God's time" from one more person I may strangle them.  =)   Did they have to wait for a baby?  Did they have to have numerous procedures and timed intercourse?  If you have not battled Infertility, don't tell someone that it's all a part of God's plan and that it will happen in His timing.  Believe me,  I know this, and do NOT need you to tell me! **Rant over!  This is probably the Lupron talking...  My moods have been swinging!  

We also had to hand over payment for the cycle.  All I can say is that God provides!

Our payment receipt

Janet called and left message on my patient voice mail around 1:30pm saying that everything looked wonderful.  She instructed me to follow my calendar protocol and begin stims on Sunday.  I can't believe it's all happening!

Don't forget to visit my pages for more info:
Lingo
IVF Schedule
The Cost

Not okay today

How I feel at the moment.

Today is the second day of ICLW.  I would much rather have something positive to write, but I do not.   Sorry.

Last night while I was trying to sleep, I prayed so hard for God to calm my nerves.  Stress has crept up on me. Laura graduates tomorrow, we're having a big dinner for her Thursday evening, and my two younger siblings are staying with us Thursday through Tuesday.  We're going to go to two different lakes this weekend, and I start Lupron and have my precycle visit next week.  The BCP phase of the cycle has flown by.  

Two nights ago, I had a nightmare.  The specifics are blurry, but I had an accident that required surgery.  During the surgery, they had to remove all of my reproductive organs, and I was left with the inability to conceive.  When I woke up I had to convince myself that it was all just a terrible dream. 

How has stress managed to sabotage me so quickly?  I don't know when it happened.  I was fine and then I was not.  I laid in bed crying for a while last night for no reason.  I need peace.  

Some of you might think that I'm a pansy.  What does she have to be worried or stressed about?  Brandon and I are two very blessed individuals.  God has done so much for us.  We don't have any major health or financial concerns and our relationship is sound.  I feel so dumb for being stressed at the moment.  I've prayed so much for God's Will and for a baby.  I desperately want everything with this IVF cycle to go as smoothly as possible.  I have implored God to let this attempt end with a take home baby.  Many other woman have struggled for longer than I have. I don't know how they do it.  I don't know how I've made it this far.  I know that my faith in God has helped me greatly.  I don't think He wanted me to hurt this badly, but He will provide.  His plan will be revealed. 

As we get closer to starting Lupron and then stimulation drugs, I realize that I am terrified.  Not of what my body will be going through, but of failing.  I've tried to keep all negative thoughts from my mind, but they've started and there's no turning back.  What if I fail my suppression check?  What if we don't get enough eggs?  What if we have poor quality embroys?  What if I don't get pregnant?  There are so many "what if's" and nothing about this is guaranteed.  I guess it was better for me to have all of the feelings now instead of next week when I have the added side effects of Lupron.

If you've stayed with me this long, thank you.  I understand that I just threw myself a pity party.  I'm sure that you who are reading have your own share of struggles.  Mine are probably nothing in comparison to what you're going through, so I'm sorry for unloading.  God, grant me peace and courage.

Devotional: Waiting for God to Fill the Cradle

Waiting for God to Fill the Cradle

I am currently on Day 3 of 30 of the following devotional.  One of the ladies at church shared an article with me a few months ago from Crosswalk.  There are many resources available for people going through struggles with Infertility, but few that focus on scripture.  I've found a few different websites that I frequent, and was excited to start this particular devotional written by another couple battling Infertility.  

Here's a topic breakdown by week:

Week One

Theme:  God is the Giver of Children

Week Two

Theme:  Finding my Identity and Direction in God's Word

Week Three

Theme:  Where to put the Disappointment

Week Four

Theme:  Mining for the Gold During this Season of Waiting

Right now, the devotional is only available for Kindle.  (I downloaded the Kindle app and paid $4.99 for the book to be downloaded to my iPod.)  

I will post more as I continue reading.  For the past few weeks I've felt more at peace about our current fertility situation.  I pray that God continues to give us peace as we get closer to beginning IVF.

Cleaning

Today, I woke up and decided to clean up our bedroom. Brandon and I struggle to keep our room clean. I had bought a new comforter and some wall art yesterday and wanted the room to look as it should.

I bought this beautiful mirror at Kirklands yesterday. I only paid $53.92 with tax for it!

I had been shopping for a new comforter for a while. By a while, I mean almost a year. One day while walking through WalMart, I stumbled upon the most perfect comforter set. I spent $80 plus tax for the Comforter, 2 Queen Pillow Shams, and bedskirt. There are matching throw pillows sold separately($12.96) that I will be purchasing soon. I'm very excited about the new additions to our bedroom. I still need to choose a picture to have enlarged to hang in our room as well. I also need to find another lamp that is silver. The gold one in the picture is nice (and from Brandon's late grandmother), but I'd rather have one that's silver.

Other than the bedroom remodeling, I've had a pretty good week. I'm about to start getting more hours at work with football season approaching, so that will be nice. I get so bored at home. Also, I'm still trying to finish Christmas shopping (I have only bought 8 gifts as of yet), so the extra money will be nice.

Brandon starts working again on August 30th! I will have the house to myself again.

I made an appointment with my OB/GYN for September 20th to discuss TTC. I'm looking forward to meeting with her and discussing all of my concerns and such. I keep telling myself that it is all so close and Brandon and I will be TTC in a matter of months. =)

I just realized that I had nothing negative to say. Yay for me! =) Maybe this whole blogging thing is actually helping me.