Jesus: The Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me

This shared post on Facebook caught my eye.  

I am thrilled to be pregnant, carrying my daughter and first born child.  I think everyone who knows Brandon and myself are pretty sure that we're over the moon excited about becoming parents.  BUT is life less meaningful without children?  I do not think it is.  Brandon and I struggled greatly when trying to conceive, but we still had children in our lives.  We volunteered in the nursery at church to hold the babies and the parents allowed us to love on their children.  It may not be exactly the same, but we both could attempt to fill that void by helping our friends with their kids.

He settles the childless woman in her home as a happy mother of children.  

Psalm 113:9

While we did not have children, God provided so many little ones in our lives for us to love.  I feel like Brandon and I are surrogate uncle and aunt to so many children that were put in our lives for a reason.  Everyone is different, but I wanted to be around children when we were struggling.  It made me feel better to hold a tiny baby or chase toddlers.  Even spending time with older kids consoled my heart.

So this brings me to the photo I saw on Facebook yesterday.  I know that my heart will be overjoyed when Elliana is born and placed upon my chest.  I will marvel at her beautiful face and kiss her little hands and toes.  Brandon and I will rejoice together with smiles and tears at the beautiful gift God has given to us.  She will be a constant reminder of our faith and hope in God.  It will be difficult to not think of all the families longing to become parents.  That's why these photos that circulate the internet sting.  My heart can only imagine having seen this picture a year ago and the tears that would have fallen.

At first this photo enraged me.  It seemed hurtful to me because I thought of all of my friends still living without children.  My friends who have pursued infertility treatment and are still without children.  My friends who have gone through adoption scenarios to be left unmatched.  The image left me bitter thinking about how unfair the world is and that it's not right to say that having your children is the best thing that ever happened to you. After dwelling on the premise behind this picture I was able to see the big picture.

Being a believer, the best thing that ever happened to me was Jesus coming into my life.  

He sought after me when I ran so many times from Him.  Our infertility journey once more brought me back to Him and I have not wanted to run this time.  God made the ultimate sacrifice sending His only son to die for us and provide us with eternal life and salvation.  Without our (Brandon and myself) faith in God, our journey would be meaningless.  From the moment we let God in and trusted Him with our situation everything changed.  Our journey remained difficult, but we knew that while we could not see the big picture, God could.  His love for us demonstrates true love between a parent and child.  While we ran from him trying to do it all on our own, he continued to pursue us.  He loved us so much to entrust us with this journey knowing that we would share with everyone the great things He has done for us.

So yes, I do know that being pregnant is a miracle of a gift.  I will love my little girl to pieces once she's here.  But she will not be defined as the best thing that ever happened to me.  My life won't begin and end with her.  

My Weekend in Pictures

Weekends are never quite long enough, but at least I only work two days a week now.  Be jealous!  Just kidding, but I do a LOT when I'm at home now.  With Brandon still on the no-carb diet through the week there's not much cooking to do so I've been working on cleaning and organizing EVERYTHING!

My back is still aching every morning--it's day 23 of the continued wake-me-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night with severe pain, but who's counting?  On Saturday I was able to do something nice for Brandon since he eats carbs on the weekend.  I broke out the waffle iron!

Seriously, I woke up at 6 am on Saturday morning and played music for Elliana for over an hour.  Again, she so has my taste in music.  She really enjoyed Johnny Cash but that's another post entirely.  By 7:30 I couldn't stand it and I woke Brandon up to hot waffles.  (We don't sleep in around here) He was excited to say the least.

Big Ron's (Brandon's Dad) birthday is this Tuesday, but we all got together on Saturday to celebrate.

This is Uncle B's favorite person.  He always makes sure to tell Bryson every time he says good bye.  Now Bryson says it to him too.  It's too precious.  (I even got a kiss on the tummy for Ellie when we left!)

Bryson is getting ready to play t-ball and I cannot wait for his games.  The boys practiced a little out in the yard and it was hilarious!  I have no doubt that Bryson will be every bit athletic as his Daddy and Uncle B!

We built a fire on the porch which KILLED my throat, but it was worth it.  (My throat was sore all day on Sunday.)  We sat around watching Bryson play and sharing old stories.  I'm amazed that Gina and Stephanie turned out alright sometimes after hearing how Brandon and Brian played with them when they were little.  Even Brandon says that he's horrified of how he threw them around playing when they were little.  Because Brandon spent so much time with his sisters when they were little, I have no doubt that he will be braiding hair, putting in hair bows, having tea parties, and only letting Ellie watch superhero cartoons very soon.

Next year Poppa will have Bryson and Ellie in his lap to blow out the birthday candles.  I can't wait!

On Sunday we went to a little state park only six miles from our house.  We had no idea that it was there.  It has a one mile walking path around a beautiful lake.  It was a beautiful day so after church and lunch we went out there for a walk.  I hope we can make this a Sunday tradition.  I am also proud of myself for making it one mile with NO stops.

One of the great things about living in Alabama is sunny and warm days in February.  I will be working on my tan next month!

Here are two pictures of myself from this morning.  I apologize for the mirror shots, but Brandon left for Mississippi early this morning and won't be back until Wednesday.  He's going back on Thursday but I plan on traveling with him later this week.

27w2d

27w2d

I'm definitely getting bigger and bigger.  My feet are a little bigger and most of my rings don't fit anymore.  My bridal set won't even attempt to go over my knuckle anymore.  At least I was able to wear my favorite rings for this long!

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A sweet friend of mine received bad news this morning.  My heart aches and my arms wish that they could reach her.  I'll never truly understand infertility.  Miscarriage is a whole other monster.  I can only pray that she feels comfort on this day.  Heaven welcomed another angel taken entirely too soon.

Breakdown

The title says it all.  It happened last night.  I fell apart.  Overwhelmed is the only way to express how I feel.

After work, we went to dinner with Rachel & Clint.  It was a good distraction from my emotions.  We had a great meal at Olive Garden, and we talked about all kinds of things.  B and I enjoy our time with them!  Once we got home, it hit me how tired I had been feeling all day.  I realized that I have not slowed down since I got out of the hospital.  I've felt so busy at home and work.  My boss reiterated that I'm in a marathon that cannot be won in a day.  Brandon and I talked for a while last night and he prayed over me before we went to sleep.  I cried so much last night that I still have bags under my eyes even now.

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Today I woke up trying to make it a good day.  I called Brookwood asking more about the nurses who took care of me.  The girl who I spoke with is also a patient of Dr. Allemand.  She has Stage III Endometriosis and needs another surgery (to remove the endo) before they can attempt an IUI.  She will need injectable medications for her IUI and I hope that it will work out that I can help her by donating my unused Follistim.  It's amazing how God works!

Sarah and I went shopping today and I was able to go ahead and get some shopping done for Christmas.  If I don't get started now, there's no way that we'll be able to afford buying for our family and friends.

Sarah with one of the shirts on sale!

I purchased 16 Christmas gifts today; some were got multiple gifts for the same person.  

I also bought some things for myself!

Here is a shot of the Christmas gift items I purchased!

Also, we all have a love affair with Lilly Pulitzer at work!  

My calendar just arrived!  I was super excited.  

Here is a picture of me with mine and then one of Jenna and myself posing.

And Rachel had to mess around with the camera, so here's a picture of her goofing around.  =)

It may not look like I'm having a hard time in these pictures, but retail therapy and prayer does wonders.  I am surrounded by such great people.  

No Transfer Today; OHSS; In Hospital

We did not do the embryo transfer. My OHSS is worse than expected. One of the nurses did an ultrasound on my belly and it was full of fluid. Dr. Allemand thought it best to have me admitted so that they can put a catheter in my belly to drain the fluid. I am situated with my IV and have been given two Loratab. I'm already feeling a little bit better, but am scared of the drain. As of now, we have 4 AA, 4 AB, and 3 BA quality embryos. They said that we are a candidate for a single embryo transfer. I'm not sure when we'll be able to attempt the Frozen Embryo Transfer, but at least we have great quality embryos. Your prayers are greatly appreciated. I've been in a lot of pain over the past few days and it all makes sense now. We're both obviously upset that our transfer didn't happen today, but we want the best for our future children. God is good all the time. As much as it hurts right now, I know that He has a plan for us.

Not okay today

How I feel at the moment.

Today is the second day of ICLW.  I would much rather have something positive to write, but I do not.   Sorry.

Last night while I was trying to sleep, I prayed so hard for God to calm my nerves.  Stress has crept up on me. Laura graduates tomorrow, we're having a big dinner for her Thursday evening, and my two younger siblings are staying with us Thursday through Tuesday.  We're going to go to two different lakes this weekend, and I start Lupron and have my precycle visit next week.  The BCP phase of the cycle has flown by.  

Two nights ago, I had a nightmare.  The specifics are blurry, but I had an accident that required surgery.  During the surgery, they had to remove all of my reproductive organs, and I was left with the inability to conceive.  When I woke up I had to convince myself that it was all just a terrible dream. 

How has stress managed to sabotage me so quickly?  I don't know when it happened.  I was fine and then I was not.  I laid in bed crying for a while last night for no reason.  I need peace.  

Some of you might think that I'm a pansy.  What does she have to be worried or stressed about?  Brandon and I are two very blessed individuals.  God has done so much for us.  We don't have any major health or financial concerns and our relationship is sound.  I feel so dumb for being stressed at the moment.  I've prayed so much for God's Will and for a baby.  I desperately want everything with this IVF cycle to go as smoothly as possible.  I have implored God to let this attempt end with a take home baby.  Many other woman have struggled for longer than I have. I don't know how they do it.  I don't know how I've made it this far.  I know that my faith in God has helped me greatly.  I don't think He wanted me to hurt this badly, but He will provide.  His plan will be revealed. 

As we get closer to starting Lupron and then stimulation drugs, I realize that I am terrified.  Not of what my body will be going through, but of failing.  I've tried to keep all negative thoughts from my mind, but they've started and there's no turning back.  What if I fail my suppression check?  What if we don't get enough eggs?  What if we have poor quality embroys?  What if I don't get pregnant?  There are so many "what if's" and nothing about this is guaranteed.  I guess it was better for me to have all of the feelings now instead of next week when I have the added side effects of Lupron.

If you've stayed with me this long, thank you.  I understand that I just threw myself a pity party.  I'm sure that you who are reading have your own share of struggles.  Mine are probably nothing in comparison to what you're going through, so I'm sorry for unloading.  God, grant me peace and courage.

Mother's Day for the Infertilie

Mother's Day is difficult for many women and men.  

Some have lost their mothers, and some have lost their children.  I am positive that many women and men are hurting.  I think it's important to recognize all of the people longing for lost loved ones today.

If my pregnancy had not ended so quickly, I would be about 30 weeks pregnant today.  My little one would be able to hear my voice.  Instead, I have a baby in Heaven.  Our first Baby Sneakers is in the loving arms of Jesus.  I truly believe that that life begins at conception.  Just because we lost our pregnancy early, it doesn't mean that it hurts any less.  I have made it my resolve to move forward and try and not dwell too much on it.  Days arise where I feel saddened by losing that pregnancy, but I know that God had a greater plan.

All that I have to remember you by.  I've kept this put away for so long.  It made me sad to see it.  Maybe I should get rid of it, but I cannot.  For now, I will continue to keep it tucked away as a memory.

Today, I have to work, but we are headed to the beach as soon as I'm off.  (I'm going to the beach with my dear husband, amazing brother-in-law, awesome sister-in-law, and miracle of a nephew).  Thankfully, they invited us to go to the beach with them.  Looking at the calendar, I had been afraid of Mother's Day.  I didn't know how I would feel.  I was afraid that I would be sad.  Yes, I am sad, but I have hope.  I couldn't be surrounded by better people that know how much days like these hurt.  

I know that God has something greater in store for me.  He does for you too.  Happy Mother's Day to all of the angel Mommies and childless Mommies.  Thinking of all who are missing their own mothers on this day.

 

Weekends are never long enough

I've had a headache for about 3 days now.  =(  I typically can sleep them off, but not this time.  I also feel nauseated every day now.  I've already finished one bottle of Pepto this month. 

We have a urologist appointment scheduled for Brandon this Friday.  His FSH levels were elevated during past blood work and the RE seems to think that we need to get this figured out.  Brandon's been taking vitamins for SA and I'm anxious to see what else the urologist has to offer.  The other day I mentioned how tobacco pretty much kills sperm.  Brandon had NO idea.  How had he never heard of this?  He said that he's going to cut back.  I figure that I should let this argument slide and if his numbers don't get better we'll talk about it again.

September still seems so far away.  I know that I haven't had to endure this that long, but 9 months is still a long time.  I've been off BCP for a year now and only had 10 cycles.  Only 4 of those cycles have been ovulatory.  I just can't help but feel that this isn't fair. I think I'm more discouraged that I have to wait for insurance to cover a surgery and then wait to recover before trying IUI.  What if IUI doesn't work the first time?? 

Heartache

My insurance will not cover surgery until September.  I have to wait the one-year time period to have any surgeries.  I am extremely disappointed that I will not be having the surgery tomorrow.

Why does this always happen?