Trying to Conceive and Thoughts for Elliana

It's easy to reflect on our past journey now that Elliana is almost here.  Part of me knew that we would get pregnant, but I had no idea how long it would take.  Sometimes I feel guilty that we responded so well with IVF and that our first FET was successful.  There are so many other women who are still trying to get pregnant after multiple IVF attempts.

Why did it work for us so quickly?  

I began writing on this blog in 2010.  After about five posts or so it became a blog about us trying to get pregnant.  Most of the writing was me hopeless month after month of seeing negative HPTs.  I had no readers and didn't really share my blog with people that I knew in real life.  The address was listed under my information on Facebook, but I wasn't sure that anyone even noticed it.  Through Fertility Friend and other online communities my readership grew and now I'm nearing 100,000 page views.  Who knew that anyone was reading my words from a small town in Alabama.

Now I look at this blog as a gift to Elliana.  My prayer is that she never encounters difficulty when she's ready to start her family.  But I also want her to know that her life was planned and we desperately hoped and prayed for her.  All life is a gift, but I cannot help but know that her life will be full of meaning.  God must have good things in store for her.  I hope that our story continues through her and does not end with her birth.  Elliana will be told from an early age what it took to conceive her.  Who knows if we will ever have another child.  I try to think about having more children, but my mind cannot even comprehend going through more treatment even though we still have four frozen embryos waiting.  

Pregnancy has been no cake walk for me, but it hasn't been unbearable either.  I've never believed women who said they enjoyed every second of their pregnancy anyways.  I'm completely miserable these days, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.  This hidden basketball of a belly under my shirt is what I longed for in the early days of this blog.  

In this last month of pregnancy I am finding myself sentimental and full of thoughts that I want to capture in prose before they escape me.  

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Elliana,

You are my Joy.  

I will never be a perfect parent, but I will be the perfect mother for you.  God chose to give you to us, and I promise to always protect you.  I vow to love God first, love your Daddy second, and then love you.  I will not make you an idol that I worship, but love you more than you will ever understand until you have children of your own.

Mom.

Join the Movement and Break the Silence

Why do so many couples remain silent about their infertility issues?  Because I've always been an open book, I do not see how someone could keep it secret.

My husband and I knew early on in our marriage that we wanted to have children.  Because of his past history with Testicular Cancer we knew that we may encounter difficulty but had no idea what was in store for us.  In June 2010 I threw out my birth control and we were ready to  begin "trying."  Prepared with my basal body thermometer and charting software I thought we would be pregnant in no time. Boy was I wrong...

Nothing could have prepared us for the following years.  I will be the first to admit that we had it easier than others.  Our journey only lasted around two years, but those two years were difficult.  So many others struggle much longer only to remain childless.  Our pathway included much anxiety, depression, anger, and all around hopelessness.  We went through  much testing to realize that I also carried half of our infertility burden.  We became pregnant after our first Frozen Embryo Transfer that followed a severe case of OHSS during IVF, two surgeries, a uterine seprtum diagnosis, Endometriosis diagnosis, and one chemical pregnancy.  In those two years our marriage strengthened and grew.  We were luckier than others and drew closer to one another and God in our grief.

Instead of keeping our infertility problems secret, we chose to be open.  When interviewing for a new job, I told my employer that we were trying to get pregnant.  Once I was hired and months passed by it was obvious that something was going on to my boss.  He was more than supportive and always told me that expanding my family came first.  Our families knew that we desperately wanted to begin our family.  We often encountered the typical responses of "you have plenty of time" but we brushed it off.  As we began to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist we made sure that our family and friends knew we would most likely not achieve pregnancy on our own.

My Dad could not understand how he and my mother had me so easily yet I could not get pregnant.  My Mom secretly hid her grief of my infertility to stay strong for me.  They have never told me, but I believe that my parents felt guilt and sadness that they could not help me have the only thing I've ever wanted. 

Looking back I know that our journey would have been different had we not chosen to share our infertility journey.  We received much unwanted and unsolicited advice, but it was only from well-meaning  individuals who cared about us.  In sharing, I was able to help other women around me through my blog with their own infertility burdens.  The relationships that I have now in the infertility community are strong and I could not have made it this far without them.

Our daughter, Elliana Joy Boyington, is due on May 25, 2013.  The name "Elliana" means "The Lord Responded" and that He did.  We will forever be grateful for the gift of her because we prayed for this child like so many other couples facing infertility.

For more information you may visit the following links:
Basic understanding of the disease of infertility
About NIAW

Happy Birthday, Grandad

Edward Albert Duke

January 11, 1936- December 24, 2006

My Grandad would be 77 today if he was still with us.  He would have been happy to see me graduate college, graduate school, get married, and get pregnant.  He would have loved being a great-grandfather.

He died from prostate cancer on Christmas Eve 2006.  He had been bedridden for weeks.  Sometimes I forget that he's gone and want to pick up the phone and talk to him.  Isn't it funny how you can still remember a lost loved one's number?  He and I had a close relationship and I miss that.  He was in so much pain on his deathbed that I was almost relieved at his passing.  He was and is the only person that I have ever watched take their last breath.  I'm glad that I was able to be there with him as he passed.

I know that he is in Heaven rejoicing with The King of Kings where there's no more sickness and cancer.

You could say that Grandad has never truly left me.  His picture was rolled up and tucked away in my wedding bouquet.  His dogtags were with me during my egg retrieval and hospital stay.  Our picture together is also hung where Brandon takes my bump picture each week.  At first I didn't notice it, but Brandon pointed out that Grandad is there with me in each picture.  

6 weeks

12 weeks

18 weeks

20 weeks

Needing Rest

Well, I may have been wrong about side effects...  

I've struggled to go to sleep the past two nights.  For a few weeks, I had been taking Ambien to help me sleep.  I haven't taken any to help me rest since last week. (There's no way that I would risk messing up this cycle!) I could not go to sleep last night and the evening before.  Maybe I am sleeping, but I don't feel rested.  I toss and turn, burn up with hot flashes, and just feel miserable.  Also, I'm starting to notice a recurring headache.  I'm hoping that it's just stress.  My mind has trouble shutting down each night and I'm left with all of these thoughts.  I know that God is in control of our situation, but it's hard to "let it go."

Praying that I can fully trust God and His timing.  And that I can rest. 

FET 

Our Story

Second Anniversary of our Fertility Struggle

As of today, we have been trying to conceive for two years.  I love numbers, so here are a few random statistics about our journey thus far:

• 22 cycles to date of trying to conceive a child
• 730 prenatal vitamins consumed by me
• BBT (basal body temperature) taken approximately 700 times
• 50+ injections given at home & work
• 32 pregnancy tests taken at home & work
• 20 opk (ovulation predictor kit) taken at home & work
• 20 vaginal ultrasounds 
• 3 HSGs (dye test)
• 2 surgeries (Hysteroscopy & Laparoscopy)
• 1 SIS (saline infusion sonogram)
• 1 IUI (intrauterine insemination)
• 1 Chemical Pregnancy - 1 Angel Baby - Peyton Lane
• 1 IVF cycle with a severe case of OHSS
• 6 FROZEN EMBRYOS
• Countless tears spilled

I could keep on listing statistics, but that would be boring for y'all to read.  

I am in a completely different place than I was when we first began this journey.  Never did I think that it would take so long for us to conceive a child.  We have been blessed beyond measure in the past two years.    I never thought that I'd be able to look at this day without being devastated.  It's still difficult to be here on this day, but I have hope that God will provide in His timing.  

Weekend Recap

Y'all heard about out fun evening on Friday here.
Brandon and I went to see The Dark Knight Rises on Saturday night.  It was amazing!  We're superhero fanatics, and I promise to post pictures of the infamous superhero room soon.

On Sundays, we get to church around 7:30am.  I've been singing on Sundays, and we have to get there early before the first service. Blah.  I don't mind getting up early, but I will definitely be sleeping in tomorrow (on my off day.)  I did not take my usual Sunday afternoon nap yesterday and think I'll make up for it tomorrow.

We went to have lunch with the family for Grandaddy's birthday.  We got to see and love on Bryson, and then came home and rested.

In fertility news, I'm CD20 today with no sight of ovulation. =/  My temperature is all over the place.  I will most likely wait until next week to call ART and mention my lack of ovulation.

But back to Sunday at church...

     In the Methodist church they do infant baptisms.  This is still a fairly new concept to me, and I think it's amazing.  BUT it's an extremely emotional experience for me with out current fertility situation.  Of course I was on stage blubbering away as this family baptized their teeny, tiny, precious baby.
     Our associate pastor, Larry, saw me crying.  Once we were dismissed from the stage, I spotted Brandon and told him that I would not be sitting through the second service (we did sit through the first service and sunday school already).  I raced as quickly as possible to the bathroom so that I could have the "loud cries".  Erica saw me going in and came in to comfort me.  Brandon said that he had no idea where I was, but Larry had come out of the service to find us.
     Larry saw me start crying on stage.  He said that in that moment he began praying for us and asking God what to do or say to help us.  Larry has been amazing with Brandon and me.  He has such a way with words and often asks us some difficult questions.  He often helps us see the "big picture."  He said that in that moment God told him that Brandon and I would be holding our child this time next year.  This is our second prophecy that Larry has delivered to us (I've received one as well, but am not quite ready to reveal that here until I have shared it with more of my family).

I am so thankful for our amazing faith family.  They have made this struggle less painful merely by their presence and consistent prayer. My emotions have continue to run wild, but I know that there are so many people praying for us to have a child.
I hate to just end my post here, but I do have more renewed hope.  (there's that word again)

I also have so many prayer requests for my friends and family.

• I have a friend who I will refer to as "N."   She is in the midst of her own fertility struggle and is approaching IVF.  I pray that this last insemination attempt works for her and her husband so they don't have to move forward with in vitro.
• My Granny is still recovering from her surgery last week.  She's at home, but she's becoming disoriented often (most likely from the pain medications).  
• There are many unspoken requests within my faith family at church.  I pray that God blesses each and every one of them this week. 

Thank you for staying with me this long.  I pray that you are blessed!  Have a GREAT week and Happy Monday! 

We went out last night...

Let me start off by saying that 

The Hunter Lawley Band 

ROCKS!  

We went out with some friends to Gabriel's last night to listen to some live music.  It was so nice to do something on a Friday night.  I was good and only drank 3.5 beers; spaced out evenly with about 5 glasses of water.  There was much dancing too (my favorite)!  Brandon and I slow danced on one of the slower songs and it was romantic.
*Ladies, if you husband doesn't dance with you, YOU NEED TO MAKE THAT HAPPEN.  *
We didn't get home until around 1:45am, but it was worth it.

During the day yesterday, my stomach was aching.  I've been having sharp; fleeting pains all over my belly.  At this point, I've lost track of how long my stomach has been bothering me.  Honestly, it hasn't felt the same since we started the Follistim and Menopur during the "stim" phase of IVF.  My weight isn't fluctuating as much anymore, but my belly starts looking big (bloat) by the end of each day.  I called my GI (Dr. Newman) and talked to one of the nurses who is trying to get me an appointment sooner than August (since we'll be moving forward with the FET.)
Before we started our fertility journey, I always made sure to have at least one appointment with Dr. Newman per year.  As far as I can recall, I've always had stomach problems.  It took talking to my Grandad one day to realize that I needed to see a specialist.  I thought that everyone had issues like me! That was when I was 17.  Since then, I've had two sigmoidoscopies as well as one colonoscopy.  On my father's side of the family, there is a history of Colitis, Diverticulitis, IBS, and Crohn's Disease.  =/  My doctor has been proactive with me always screening for any other issues other than just having a spastic colon.

I hope everyone has a lovely weekend.

Also, a big HELLO to everyone joining from ICLW.  

If you're new to my blog, please check out my pages!  

We're on a rest cycle gearing up for our first FET. 

Just a few of my pages:

Our Story
IVF #1 + OHSS+Hospital stay
FET

Wow ...

The outpouring of love we received yesterday was amazing.  

I had to go back to ART for repeat labs.  Everything was NORMAL!  (They were worried about my BUN levels being low due to OHSS) I still am feeling awful each day battling tummy issues, headaches, sleeplessness, and emotions everywhere.  From what I can gather, being emotional right now is just par for the course.

Right now I'm living on peppermints for nausea, Zofran (nausea) , Lomotil (spastic colon), Tylenol (sinus headaches?), Ambien (sleep issues), and Valium (panic/nerves).  I'm not ashamed of what I'm going through right now.

I cried this morning when I thought Brandon was going to have to travel overnight.  (He's not travelling until next week thankfully!)  

I've said this to only a few people, but here goes. . . . . . . . . . . .

I've never felt so alone at any other point in this journey.   

I feel like I have to guard each word I say.write.post,etc., hoping that I don't offend someone.  My thoughts are constantly reflecting on what might have been, as well as the future (mostly the future).
 The only time I find peace is when I'm in prayer or listening to music. ** I know that the Enemy is trying to attack me at my weakest.  **

*Also, my Granny had surgery on her left shoulder yesterday and isn't doing well.  She received a blood transfusion last night and has just been taken off of her pain pump.  She's older and has Pulmonary Fibrosis, Crohn's Disease, and Fibromyalgia (along with other issues).  Her lung doctor was afraid that she wouldn't wake up from the anesthesia.  Please remember her.

My Pages:
FET
IVF #1 (OHSS + 6 frozen Embryos)
The Cost (God ALWAYS provides)

Tuesday

Rachel and Clint ate dinner with us last night.  I cooked dinner for the first time in a LONG time.  It was nothing special, but it turned out ok.  Rach is my surrogate daughter. She calls me "Mom."  God provides.  Her and her boyfriend have been together for about two years now I think.  They are such a good couple.  I am proud of them together.  

They remind me of us.  They have fun together (or at least from what I see.)  We have fun when we're all together.  We're all a bunch of goobs!  We watched Family Guy, talked about poop and farts, and everything else in between.  I made B pull the guitar back out and he played a few songs.  I think he may start teaching Clint to play. 

I'm going to start singing at church.  I grew up singing in church, sang in Chamber/Show Choir for three years in high school, and have always loved just singing.  My voice may not be the best, but it's alright.  I hope to work on that.  I sang for Rachel last night, which took a lot of courage for me to open up.

Please, please, please listen to this song.  It's by Ginny Owens and called "If You Want me To." I hope to be able to sing this at church soon.  Singing it without tears will be the problem.  Joy shared this song with me and it has spoken volumes.

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So far I've made it through the day at work.  I've been able to help customers and even helped sell a pendant.  Now I'm exhausted.  I don't know if I'm going to make it the rest if the day, but I am trying.  I packed myself a big bag of snacks!  I didn't want to risk getting dehydrated or hungry.  =)

Busy, Busy Day

I was able to get some sleep this morning after being awake from 4-7am.  My hormones are still all out of whack and I'm having terrible hot flashes while I'm sleeping.  I went back to bed and got up at 9am and got ready from there.  It was nice to put on pretty clothes and have washed hair.

I made a "To Do" list for the day.  It was pretty long.

This was my work space.  Dad's lent me his laptop for the time being.  I'm tired of laying in bed all day.  This was a change of scenery.

My List of things "To Do"

 It's amazing how busy I was today.  I took it easy, but I'm just exhausted!  I've been listening to music all day which always helps.  I was able to cross a lot off the list, but it will take some time.  I've had many "thank you" notes to write.

Rebecca visited with me today.  She brought me lunch and the beautiful flowers pictured below.  I was able to talk with her about my journey and how God has been ever present.  She has her own powerful testimony as well.  Right now, it's just good for me to be around positive people.  It's good for me to share what God is doing in my life, as well as my life with B.

I drove to the grocery store with B for the first time in 10 days.  I think I may be able to drive myself to work tomorrow.  I haven't had pain medicine in days, but my mind is ever foggy/clouded/confused.  I'm sure it will just take time to feel completely like me; however, I was kinda crazy anyways!

My beautiful flowers from Rebecca

I called ART today and have my appointment scheduled with Dr. Allemand for July 10 at 9am.  Of course, B is going to be out of town.  I'm working on finding a buddy to go to the appointment with me.  Going to this type of appointment by yourself isn't a good idea.  It's always better to have two sets of ears listening.  At this appointment we'll be talking about the FET. 

Thank you for the continued support; I need it.

Day 4 in the Hospital

I can't believe that I've been in the hospital for four days.

Last night was rough to say the least.  I've started getting itchy from all of the Lortab that I've been taking.  They gave me Benadryl yesterday because I was clawing myself to death.  Well...  let's just say that

Benadryl + Lortab + Courtney= disaster

My evening nurse came in around 9:30pm to give me my evening Lortab and Valium.  I was only asleep about two hours when I awoke terrified from a nightmare.  My nurse happened to be in the room and calmed me down and gave me a glass of water.  I went back to sleep and awoke again about an hour later.  This time I was freaking out.  I was panicked.  I made Brandon wake up and sit with me.  I couldn't explain it, but I was terrified.  He prayed with me and I was then able to go back to sleep.  That only lasted about another hour.  I woke up this time nauseated.  I hit the call button for the nurse and told her that I was having trouble sleeping.  At this point, I had taken 2 Lortab 7.5s and a Valium.  There is no reason why I should have been awake!

My evening nurse is so amazing.  She could tell that I was rattled and just needed to walk around.  She helped me get dressed, unhooked my IV, and walked with me to the nurse's station.  She and the other night nurses talked to me until I couldn't stand up anymore.  When we returned to my room, it was time for more pain meds.  My nausea and dizziness was getting worse so she gave me Phenergan too.  I slept soundly the rest of the night.  I was so tired.  Brandon and I have kept our usual schedule and been waking up around 6:30-7am the previous mornings.  We both slept until about 8am this morning.  The nurses came in to get my vitals, but I was delirious.  When Dr. Allemand came in, we actually woke up!

Here were my questions for him along with his responses:

• I've had trouble emptying my bladder completely, but he assured me that was normal after OHSS
• My nausea has returned.  He told me that the symptoms of OHSS would continue to come and go.  It doesn't just disappear.

He allowed the nurses to completely disconnect me from my IV today!  He said that my blood work looked good as well.  My potassium was lower today while my calcium was higher than yesterday.  He said that my body would regulate that on it's own.  Dr. Allemand's plan is for me to go home tomorrow.  I'm so excited!  =)  He said that it's going to be a few days before I'm feeling back completely normal.  They will remove my catheter tomorrow and he said I have more fluid build back up afterward, but nothing like how it was previously.

I am just so excited to be going home tomorrow. Cabin Fever has set in and I've not been able to get much rest today.  Every time I fell asleep, someone came in to check my vitals, or one of our phones rang!  Brandon and I have both been so blessed by everyone's kind messages, calls, and visits.  We appreciate it.

I'd like to make a blanket apology for any of the typos/grammatical errors in any of the past posts and the future ones due to my lack of rest and medicine intake.  Thank you for reading.  Thank you for supporting me through one of the lower parts of our journey. 

No Transfer Today; OHSS; In Hospital

We did not do the embryo transfer. My OHSS is worse than expected. One of the nurses did an ultrasound on my belly and it was full of fluid. Dr. Allemand thought it best to have me admitted so that they can put a catheter in my belly to drain the fluid. I am situated with my IV and have been given two Loratab. I'm already feeling a little bit better, but am scared of the drain. As of now, we have 4 AA, 4 AB, and 3 BA quality embryos. They said that we are a candidate for a single embryo transfer. I'm not sure when we'll be able to attempt the Frozen Embryo Transfer, but at least we have great quality embryos. Your prayers are greatly appreciated. I've been in a lot of pain over the past few days and it all makes sense now. We're both obviously upset that our transfer didn't happen today, but we want the best for our future children. God is good all the time. As much as it hurts right now, I know that He has a plan for us.

Mother Daughter Banquet

Me, Gran, Mom, and Beth; 3 Generations

Our church had the 2nd Annual Mother Daughter Banquet this weekend.  The proceeds from this event benefit The Road to Bethlehem Ministry in our church.  This particular ministry helps give Christmas gifts and dinner to children in need in Calera.

In the beginning I was hesitant about attending.  I was afraid that the event would make me sad, but then realized that there are many women in my church who have children, but no daughters.  Mother's Day and events about mothers are hard for anyone with an empty cradle.  I am so glad that I had my family and friends there with me.  I did not shed one tear, and did not feel sorry for myself for not being a mom yet.  I was overwhelmed with the power of the Holy Spirit and grateful for all the blessings that have been given to me.

I'm so glad that I decided to go and host a table.  Midway through the day yesterday, I was asked if I could sing.  Wow, I haven't sang in public in a LONG time.  My mother and I sang "Redemption Song" a capella.   I was so nervous, but my Mom gave me confidence.  I think we did a ok to have only practiced twice about 20 minutes before the banquet began.

In attendance at my table were Mom, Beth, Gran, Aunt Penny, Rachel, and Jennifer.  Here are some pictures from the evening.

Eleanna Burke organized the entire event.  She did a fabulous job! 

We all had table themes.  My theme was "Not Every Hero Wears a Mask."  Yes, I know, I'm a nerd! =)

Beth (my little sister) and me

Joy was our special speaker.  Her story is amazing and I will be sharing more on my blog once I get my notes together.

Mom and the rooster timer she won (we had door prizes!)

Jennifer and myself (She's been so supportive of me!  She's always there with a kind word and open heart.  I couldn't have made it through the past few months without her.  She's been like a sister to me.)

Beth and Aunt Penny

Nesia (Joy's miracle baby) and me

Me with Rachel (my surrogate daughter)

Emotions everywhere and The Big Picture

I'm so tired.  My boss has us compare other stores yesterday.  We spent at least an hour at each store.  What I thought would be an easy day kept me up on my feet as much as at work!  As soon as I left work I came home and propped my feet up.  There was a women's meeting at church, but I was truly afraid I would fall asleep if I went.  I watched a movie with Brandon and was in bed by 9pm (which is nothing out of the ordinary for me).

I'm trying to be more at peace about not being able to TTC this cycle.  One minute I feel that I am fine with it, and the rest of the time I am not.  I've never seen so many pregnant women in my life.  I feel like every time I turn my head there's a reminder.  My prayer is for peace and patience through the remainder of this month.  My heart is so heavy.  Brandon and I cannot even have discussions that somehow don't revolve back to cycling.  We've had more intense discussions this week than we ever have through this entire process. At this point, I will count myself lucky that Brandon desires a child as much as I do.  Most women going through this do not have husbands who care as much as Brandon.  I couldn't imagine how much worse this whole situation could be if he wasn't so open to talking through all of the scenarios. 

I'm sorry for the sad posts lately.  I'm still trying to find my silver lining, promise. I know that within a few days I'll start feeling a bit better and be able to sit back and look at the big picture