Recap since I last posted in June...

Let's see.  Where do I even begin.  Blogging with a toddler is nearly impossible!

We missed our vacation in July due to Brandon's kidney stone episode.  We were all set to leave on vacation, when Brandon felt that all to familiar pain of dreaded kidney stones.  He had surgery and they removed a couple! This isn't his first tango with them, so we have been seeing a specialist to keep an eye out on more forming.

We were able to travel with Brandon in September to Destin for a work conference.  It was a great vacation that was desperately needed!  We visited the beach last September with Ellie, so this wasn't her first trip.  She absolutely loved the sand and the water-which is funny because she doesn't like the lake at all.

Elliana 15 months

Listing the house proved to be more drama that we thought.  It seemed like the house would NEVER SELL!  I believe we ended up with SIX total offers on the house, and THREE contracts to fall through.
At one point we had a contract on another home when the contract on this house fell through.  It was all so much chaos, but I can say now that we close on this house within the next month.  We are planning to live with my Dad to save money until we find our dream home.  Now we are just in the beginning stages of packing up!

We never began another FET cycle.  It just never seemed like the right time.  Granny was diagnosed with Stage III/IV (inoperable) Lung Cancer.  Then with selling the house and moving with my Dad, it didn't seem that beginning a cycle would line up.  We received the shock of a lifetime in September.  I realized that I was more than a couple days late-which was nothing new post partum and after breastfeeding for a year.  I decided to take a test on Sunday, September 21....  It was the fastest positive pregnancy test I've ever seen.  We are expecting another baby in May 2015.  We immediately called ART and they scheduled bloodwork and an ultrasound.  We saw them for four weeks and were just released to the care of my OB.

Each day we are still in shock and are blessed to be pregnant. After my first appointment, they called and wanted my progesterone levels to be higher (mine =12.9; wanted over 15).  We have been injecting 1 cc PIO since September 22.  It looks like we will continue injections until I'm 10 weeks on October 27.  I promise to be a better blogger in the future and continue to update about Sweet Ellie and The Sneak!

More photos!

Gotcha Day

It's crazy to think that this time one year ago I was just hoping and praying that one or both of my tiny embryos had implanted.

On Friday, September 6, 2013, we celebrated Elliana's "Gotcha Day."  She has given Brandon and I so much joy.  She keeps us on our toes and is high maintenance (just like me), but I wouldn't trade it for the world.  The past few months have been incredibly trying for me as a new mother, but I knew parenthood wasn't going to be easy.  There are many days where I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing, but I just try to laugh and smile at the blessing that God gave us.

The IVF experience was one of the most difficult things I've ever endured both physically and mentally.  On the difficult days filled with fussiness I will always remember what we went through to get pregnant with Elliana.  She's our own little miracle and gift from God.

One Month Away and Thank You

We are one month away, or 30 days out from our estimated due date.  My mind can barely comprehend how quickly this pregnancy has flown by.  And when you're talking about a pregnancy achieved by Assisted Reproductive Technology (ART), you're talking about ONE. LONG. PREGNANCY!

Our In Vitro Journey began on May 5 last year when my new cycle started.  From there I took BCP, added Lupron Injections, began another cycle, added stimulation drugs (Follistim and Menopur) and made it to our Egg Retrieval date on June 20.  When we arrived at the clinic on June 25 for our tentative transfer, it was evident that I had severe Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS) and needed to be admitted to drain the excess fluid from my abdomen.  Talk about disappointment, but I was in so much pain that I never cried over our cancelled embryo transfer.  I laid in a hospital bed for five days and looked to God for the answers.  He had never stopped seeking me and I finally allowed myself to rely on Him instead of taking the situation into my own hands.

We let my body heal over a rest cycle and began our first Frozen Embryo Transfer on August 12.  If you're keeping track of your pregnancy from your last menstrual period (LMP), our pregnancy with Elliana started on August 12.  That makes this one super duper long pregnancy!  We failed our first lining check, but took one extra week to  thicken the lining of my uterus and were able transfer two beautiful embryos on September 6, 2012.

On September 10, 2012 I took a HPT and it was positive.  All blood tests confirmed pregnancy and here we are today one month away from the estimated arrival of our daughter.

God answered our prayers to have a child and Brandon and I will forever be thankful.

We would not have endured our journey without some very special people in our lives.  God sent us some special people at different times throughout our journey to help us along the way.

• Sheri, my amazing sister-in-law.  She too endured her own battle with infertility and provided me with support from the first day that I threw out my birth control.  She told me everything that she knew and always helped me find answers when she didn't happen.  I called her first from leaving all of my appointments.  I couldn't have gotten through all of this without her.  She stood by my side through our infertility and pregnancy, and she will stand by my side as I deliver Elliana.
• Dad.  There's not enough space here to tell all that he did for Brandon and me.  I will be writing about my father's love and support in another blog post before Elliana arrives.  What he did for us must be shared.
• Joy, my daughter's (middle) namesake.  She covered us in prayer from the moment she met us.  She allowed me to love on her own miracle child when times were hard.  She went to appointments when Brandon could not and even accompanied both us us when we needed another set of ears to hear.  She showed up to the hospital with goodies when I was admitted.  During our embryo transfer she held Brandon's hand and prayed over me during the procedure.  She was always a positive voice to me and just knew that the transfer would work and give us a child.
• Tonisha, my long-distance friend from Oklahoma. Her love for us has been written in the blog more than once.  She donated much needed medication to us and sewed Elliana's first baby quilt.  She showed me God's love and how He can use anyone to catch your attention.  She and I share different views about religion, but she showed me what it is to love your neighbor better than anyone else could.
• Liz, my college friend turned best friend.  We never seemed to lose touch like most people do when they graduate.  She too had her fair share of trouble when it came to getting pregnant, and was always there to lend a supportive ear.  There were many dinner and drinks nights when we had received unsettling news.  She was here with dinner when I had surgeries and even showed up to the hospital with a baby to just sit with me once before they wheeled me back.  She brought me good food in the hospital, presents when we confirmed our pregnancy, pretty pink cupcakes to celebrate Elliana's gender, and is hosting my baby shower.  She's such the perfect Southern woman and I'm trying to take some tips from her.  She's not your traditional Proverbs 31 woman, but she's pretty dang close in her own way. 
• Jennifer, my former coworker and friend.  God bless her heart, she had to hear me cry and complain so much through our infertility and pregnancy,  BUT she never got upset by it and let me vent.  She always reminded me to find the positive and "silver lining" in every situation.  She researched stones for fertile properties and gave me a rose quartz to wear.  She somehow survived all of my crazy hormonal days and hot flashes and still likes me.  There's a special place in Heaven for her.
• Paul, my former boss.  Not many men understand the desire of a woman to have a child, but he did.  He knew upon hiring me that my greatest desire was to start a family.  He knew more about my follicles, endometrial lining, and hot flashes than any man other than my husband and fertility doctor ever wanted to know.  He always told me that my family came first and supported our journey.  Asking for time off for fertility procedures was never a problem, and I can remember him calling to check on me before surgeries and while I was in the hospital.  I was lucky to work in a loving environment that supported me.
• Tiffany.  My pregnancy would have felt different without her.  After we announced that we were expecting, so many other women in the church also said that they too were pregnant all around our due date.  Tiffany told me in person after her first test.  I think she knew that it would be easier for me to hear it from her.  Our due dates are two days apart and she has given me so much support.  Because it took us so much to achieve our pregnancy,  I still found myself jealous of other women who were expecting, but never her.  I completely ignored other pregnant women except for her.  I just know that our daughters are going to be best friends.
• Rachel, my former coworker and surrogate daughter.  How many 17 year old girls know how to administer fertility drugs?  I didn't keep up with how many injections Rach gave me, but it was a LOT.  She was nervous on the first few but then it just came as second nature.  She attended "mom functions" with me at church, gave me a mother's day gift, and spent the night with me when Brandon traveled.  She's well beyond her years already and has such a big heart for such a young girl.
• Nicole, a lost connection from college.  In her own infertility journey, Nicole found me and we started talking.  It's always nice to be able to talk to someone in person who is also battling infertility.  I'm so happy that she's 10 weeks behind me in her pregnancy with their son, Isaac.  
• Our family.  They were all so excited when we called saying that we were pregnant and even more excited when we found out her gender.  Elliana is the FIRST granddaughter (and great-granddaughter) on Brandon's side of the family and the FIRST grandchild (and great-grandchild) on my side.  
• Our faith family.  Calera First United Methodist Church has never stopped covering us in prayer. Terry and Carolyn prayed over us many times and annointed us with oil.  Terry made hospital appearances when I wasn't even sure he knew I was there!  I'm not sure how many women saw my hiney when I'd search people to help with progesterone injections, but they were all there to hold my hand and laugh at the joys of our pregnancy.  The previous church we attended never provided us with much support so I was astonished at the outpouring of love we received when we opened up about our infertility.  Elliana will have the biggest family because of the faith family that God gave us.

There are so many other people who influenced us along this journey.  It would take days for me to write about all of them.  Again, I am finding myself full of sentiment these days and I want it all recorded before I forget these feelings.  I'm looking to this blog post as the thank you card that can never fade away.

Trying to Conceive and Thoughts for Elliana

It's easy to reflect on our past journey now that Elliana is almost here.  Part of me knew that we would get pregnant, but I had no idea how long it would take.  Sometimes I feel guilty that we responded so well with IVF and that our first FET was successful.  There are so many other women who are still trying to get pregnant after multiple IVF attempts.

Why did it work for us so quickly?  

I began writing on this blog in 2010.  After about five posts or so it became a blog about us trying to get pregnant.  Most of the writing was me hopeless month after month of seeing negative HPTs.  I had no readers and didn't really share my blog with people that I knew in real life.  The address was listed under my information on Facebook, but I wasn't sure that anyone even noticed it.  Through Fertility Friend and other online communities my readership grew and now I'm nearing 100,000 page views.  Who knew that anyone was reading my words from a small town in Alabama.

Now I look at this blog as a gift to Elliana.  My prayer is that she never encounters difficulty when she's ready to start her family.  But I also want her to know that her life was planned and we desperately hoped and prayed for her.  All life is a gift, but I cannot help but know that her life will be full of meaning.  God must have good things in store for her.  I hope that our story continues through her and does not end with her birth.  Elliana will be told from an early age what it took to conceive her.  Who knows if we will ever have another child.  I try to think about having more children, but my mind cannot even comprehend going through more treatment even though we still have four frozen embryos waiting.  

Pregnancy has been no cake walk for me, but it hasn't been unbearable either.  I've never believed women who said they enjoyed every second of their pregnancy anyways.  I'm completely miserable these days, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.  This hidden basketball of a belly under my shirt is what I longed for in the early days of this blog.  

In this last month of pregnancy I am finding myself sentimental and full of thoughts that I want to capture in prose before they escape me.  

--------------------

Elliana,

You are my Joy.  

I will never be a perfect parent, but I will be the perfect mother for you.  God chose to give you to us, and I promise to always protect you.  I vow to love God first, love your Daddy second, and then love you.  I will not make you an idol that I worship, but love you more than you will ever understand until you have children of your own.

Mom.

Jesus: The Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me

This shared post on Facebook caught my eye.  

I am thrilled to be pregnant, carrying my daughter and first born child.  I think everyone who knows Brandon and myself are pretty sure that we're over the moon excited about becoming parents.  BUT is life less meaningful without children?  I do not think it is.  Brandon and I struggled greatly when trying to conceive, but we still had children in our lives.  We volunteered in the nursery at church to hold the babies and the parents allowed us to love on their children.  It may not be exactly the same, but we both could attempt to fill that void by helping our friends with their kids.

He settles the childless woman in her home as a happy mother of children.  

Psalm 113:9

While we did not have children, God provided so many little ones in our lives for us to love.  I feel like Brandon and I are surrogate uncle and aunt to so many children that were put in our lives for a reason.  Everyone is different, but I wanted to be around children when we were struggling.  It made me feel better to hold a tiny baby or chase toddlers.  Even spending time with older kids consoled my heart.

So this brings me to the photo I saw on Facebook yesterday.  I know that my heart will be overjoyed when Elliana is born and placed upon my chest.  I will marvel at her beautiful face and kiss her little hands and toes.  Brandon and I will rejoice together with smiles and tears at the beautiful gift God has given to us.  She will be a constant reminder of our faith and hope in God.  It will be difficult to not think of all the families longing to become parents.  That's why these photos that circulate the internet sting.  My heart can only imagine having seen this picture a year ago and the tears that would have fallen.

At first this photo enraged me.  It seemed hurtful to me because I thought of all of my friends still living without children.  My friends who have pursued infertility treatment and are still without children.  My friends who have gone through adoption scenarios to be left unmatched.  The image left me bitter thinking about how unfair the world is and that it's not right to say that having your children is the best thing that ever happened to you. After dwelling on the premise behind this picture I was able to see the big picture.

Being a believer, the best thing that ever happened to me was Jesus coming into my life.  

He sought after me when I ran so many times from Him.  Our infertility journey once more brought me back to Him and I have not wanted to run this time.  God made the ultimate sacrifice sending His only son to die for us and provide us with eternal life and salvation.  Without our (Brandon and myself) faith in God, our journey would be meaningless.  From the moment we let God in and trusted Him with our situation everything changed.  Our journey remained difficult, but we knew that while we could not see the big picture, God could.  His love for us demonstrates true love between a parent and child.  While we ran from him trying to do it all on our own, he continued to pursue us.  He loved us so much to entrust us with this journey knowing that we would share with everyone the great things He has done for us.

So yes, I do know that being pregnant is a miracle of a gift.  I will love my little girl to pieces once she's here.  But she will not be defined as the best thing that ever happened to me.  My life won't begin and end with her.  

God's Plan

Every day that we are pregnant is a blessing. Sometimes, neither of us can believe that our frozen transfer worked.  We are still wowed and astonished that we are having a baby.  BUT, this is not where the story ends, nor is it where it begins.

When we started trying to conceive, we had no idea what our journey would entail.  Yes, God is good and we are now pregnant, but the story doesn't end here.

I whole heartedly believe that "in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28).  Brandon and I were stagnant in our Christian walk.  We had been members of a church, but were not growing.  We tried to make it through this journey on our own, but knew that it was impossible.  In the time that we began attending church again and sharing our struggle, we were amazed by God's blessings.

Each time I needed another surgery or procedure, we were consumed with disappointment and hurt, but God used those situations to strengthen us.  Because we chose to share our journey, we were always surrounded with support.  God placed so many amazing people in our life to cheer us on during the difficult times.  They have built us up, prayed over us, and already formed the largest extended family any child will ever know!

"Consider it pure joy, brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance."
James 1:2

"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you.  But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed." 
1 Peter 4: 12-13

I would not trade any of the hardships that Brandon and I have faced in our marriage.  Infertility will not be the last struggle that we will face.  There are likely to be more hurdles and obstacles in our path, but we are prepared to take on any challenge that life throws at us.  With God, all things are possible.
Our story does not end because we are pregnant.  The end result was not that we would conceive a child, but that we would seek God throughout our journey and have faith in HIS plan. 

Really Pregnant

We really are pregnant.  The blood test confirmed it.  We spent hours telling everyone the happy news.

God is so good.  You are our miracle and we will thank God daily.  My heart is so full of joy, yet it aches for all the other mothers still waiting for their little ones.

I am thankful that God has blessed us with you.  It's been a long road to get where we are today, but God has strengthened us and guided our path.  My prayer is not for you to have an easy life, but for you to trust God when life is overwhelming.  Your life has purpose and meaning.  You were prayed into existence.  Do not ever forget that.

"Dumbing Down the Scripture"

(the title of this post is quoted from Beverly)

We talked a few Sundays (in ReCharge-led by Shannon) ago about things people say when they don't know what else to say.  Many remarks are made in sad, hopeless, desperate situations.  The death of a parent, sibling, child, or loved one can be awful.  The loss of a job, bad week, or anything negative can bring you down.  Often, we seek aid from others in these situations, and are heartbroken at the responses received.
"Everything happens for a reason" and "God has a plan" are often the first responses people think to say.  Another is the ever famous "God will only give you what you can handle and no more."

When you're in the middle of a difficult situation, honestly, nothing said is going to make you feel better.  If you choose to seek help from others, be prepared for the rehearsed responses that you will receive.  For me, a simple "I'm sorry" accompanied with a big hug always makes me feel a little better.

But, in Recharge that Sunday, we talked about better responses to have in those difficult situations.  With the previous statements, we are "dumbing down the scripture" (to quote Beverly).  When we are offering advice, we should be armed with the Word of God.

• Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you.  But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. 1 Peter 4:12-13 NIV
• Friends, when life gets really difficult, don't jump to the conclusion that God isn't on the job.  Instead, be glad that you are in the very thick of what Christ experienced.  This is a spiritual refining process, with glory just around the corner. 1 Peter 4:12-13 The Message 
• The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still. Exodus 14:14 NIV
• God will fight the battle for you.  And you? You keep your mouths shut! Exodus 14:14 The Message 
• As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more. Psalm 71:14 NIV 

I feel that the above verses are more eloquently scripted than anything I could come up with.  So often, people ask me for advice.  I struggle so much with the right words to say -We all do.

I know that so many of you who know us in real life have often struggled with finding the right words to say in our struggling scenarios.  We've heard many variations of "everything happens for a reason" and "it will happen."  I know that Brandon and I are not the only ones who hear things like this.  There are so many sad situations in which people have no idea what to say.  We are always thankful and receptive to any kind words that you have to offer  We will never "call you out" on your advice.  If we don't like your advice, we will most likely tell you. (haha)  But do know that we respect and look for your advice and understanding in our situation.  And when you don't know what to say, we never forget all of the "I'm sorry," "I just don't understand why," and hugs that you give us when we're down.

*( I know that I've used the quoted statements thinking that I was helping before.  I aim to never use those statements as advice again.  If you have ever said any of the quoted statements to either of us in the past, please don't think that we remember.  Chances are, we don't.  Also, please don't think that I'm aiming this at you either.  I just hope that I can learn to use better words along with scripture when helping others.)

Last Night's Injection

We chose to move forward and do the Progesterone in Oil injection last night.

It filled the entire syringe

I know a few of you thought it would be sweet for us to transfer on Brandon's birthday, but we didn't see it that way.  My past two birthdays, as well as our past two wedding anniversaries (along with many other events)  have been consumed with fertility treatment.  I had surgery the week after his birthday last year.  

We chose this path, but it is exhausting and often rules our lives.  I don't want it to seem like I'm complaining, because I'm not.  Just the thought a fertility event taking away my husband's birthday made me sad.  

God's plan will unhold as He sees fit.  

Again?!?
My husband is hilarious! 
 The Batman gave me an injection last night!! 
(Let the hot flashes and cramps begin!!!!!!!)

Ovulation... CHECK!

For those of you who are unfamiliar with BBT charting, the above is my chart for this current break cycle.  Those beautiful red lines indicate that I ovulated on my own with no help from stimulation drugs!  Now, there is a myth/wive's tale that some women retain the follicle stimulating drugs in their system after an IVF cycle.  All that matters to me is that I ovulated on my own, and am now 3 dpo.  

By my usual pattern, I should have about 11 more days until my new cycle begins and we start moving forward with our FET!  I will call ART on DAY 1 of my next cycle and begin taking estrace on CD3.  I'm still unsure about protocol and such with a FET cycle.  It will be a learning process.

• Please continue to pray for our precious frozen embryos.  
• Please pray for Brandon and me that we will continue to move forward hopeful and with a joyful heart.

For a better description of the acronyms used in this post, visit my Lingo page.  I have them all listed on my page, along with a description and link with more useful information when necessary.

Making a GOOD day

Tuesday was a pretty great day. Praise the LORD!

I easily could have let myself lay in bed and cry, and thought about it hard! I slept in until 8am, and didn't get up out of bed until 10am.  I put up countless loads of laundry, did the dishes, cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed the house, and swept the floors in the kitchen and guest bathroom.  Dad and I went to WalMart, grabbed some lunch, and also went to the Calera Farmer's Market. We had On Fire practice at church last night so that distracted me from missing Brandon (He's in Mississippi working and comes home today!)

It was a good day to have a GREAT day.  God continues to give me more things to write about in my DAILY JOURNAL OF BLESSINGS.  Right now I'm just jotting down fragments onto notebook paper, but I may have to find something else!  You might think it strange, but I love tangible evidence of all of the good things happening to not only me, but those around me.

We received the medical bill for my hospital stay.  It was only $500.  We both thought it would be much more and are extremely happy.  Again, I cannot reiterate how good God is.  There is no doubt in my mind that our medical bills will mostly likely total $25,000 for this year alone.  Our medical expenses are adding up to my paycheck.  BUT we are not going without anything.  We're giving out tithe first and moving along from there.
If you don't believe me about the tithe thing, look HERE at my COST page.  Then just try to tell me that God doesn't take care of it. =)

Second Anniversary of our Fertility Struggle

As of today, we have been trying to conceive for two years.  I love numbers, so here are a few random statistics about our journey thus far:

• 22 cycles to date of trying to conceive a child
• 730 prenatal vitamins consumed by me
• BBT (basal body temperature) taken approximately 700 times
• 50+ injections given at home & work
• 32 pregnancy tests taken at home & work
• 20 opk (ovulation predictor kit) taken at home & work
• 20 vaginal ultrasounds 
• 3 HSGs (dye test)
• 2 surgeries (Hysteroscopy & Laparoscopy)
• 1 SIS (saline infusion sonogram)
• 1 IUI (intrauterine insemination)
• 1 Chemical Pregnancy - 1 Angel Baby - Peyton Lane
• 1 IVF cycle with a severe case of OHSS
• 6 FROZEN EMBRYOS
• Countless tears spilled

I could keep on listing statistics, but that would be boring for y'all to read.  

I am in a completely different place than I was when we first began this journey.  Never did I think that it would take so long for us to conceive a child.  We have been blessed beyond measure in the past two years.    I never thought that I'd be able to look at this day without being devastated.  It's still difficult to be here on this day, but I have hope that God will provide in His timing.  

Weekend Recap

Y'all heard about out fun evening on Friday here.
Brandon and I went to see The Dark Knight Rises on Saturday night.  It was amazing!  We're superhero fanatics, and I promise to post pictures of the infamous superhero room soon.

On Sundays, we get to church around 7:30am.  I've been singing on Sundays, and we have to get there early before the first service. Blah.  I don't mind getting up early, but I will definitely be sleeping in tomorrow (on my off day.)  I did not take my usual Sunday afternoon nap yesterday and think I'll make up for it tomorrow.

We went to have lunch with the family for Grandaddy's birthday.  We got to see and love on Bryson, and then came home and rested.

In fertility news, I'm CD20 today with no sight of ovulation. =/  My temperature is all over the place.  I will most likely wait until next week to call ART and mention my lack of ovulation.

But back to Sunday at church...

     In the Methodist church they do infant baptisms.  This is still a fairly new concept to me, and I think it's amazing.  BUT it's an extremely emotional experience for me with out current fertility situation.  Of course I was on stage blubbering away as this family baptized their teeny, tiny, precious baby.
     Our associate pastor, Larry, saw me crying.  Once we were dismissed from the stage, I spotted Brandon and told him that I would not be sitting through the second service (we did sit through the first service and sunday school already).  I raced as quickly as possible to the bathroom so that I could have the "loud cries".  Erica saw me going in and came in to comfort me.  Brandon said that he had no idea where I was, but Larry had come out of the service to find us.
     Larry saw me start crying on stage.  He said that in that moment he began praying for us and asking God what to do or say to help us.  Larry has been amazing with Brandon and me.  He has such a way with words and often asks us some difficult questions.  He often helps us see the "big picture."  He said that in that moment God told him that Brandon and I would be holding our child this time next year.  This is our second prophecy that Larry has delivered to us (I've received one as well, but am not quite ready to reveal that here until I have shared it with more of my family).

I am so thankful for our amazing faith family.  They have made this struggle less painful merely by their presence and consistent prayer. My emotions have continue to run wild, but I know that there are so many people praying for us to have a child.
I hate to just end my post here, but I do have more renewed hope.  (there's that word again)

I also have so many prayer requests for my friends and family.

• I have a friend who I will refer to as "N."   She is in the midst of her own fertility struggle and is approaching IVF.  I pray that this last insemination attempt works for her and her husband so they don't have to move forward with in vitro.
• My Granny is still recovering from her surgery last week.  She's at home, but she's becoming disoriented often (most likely from the pain medications).  
• There are many unspoken requests within my faith family at church.  I pray that God blesses each and every one of them this week. 

Thank you for staying with me this long.  I pray that you are blessed!  Have a GREAT week and Happy Monday! 

We went out last night...

Let me start off by saying that 

The Hunter Lawley Band 

ROCKS!  

We went out with some friends to Gabriel's last night to listen to some live music.  It was so nice to do something on a Friday night.  I was good and only drank 3.5 beers; spaced out evenly with about 5 glasses of water.  There was much dancing too (my favorite)!  Brandon and I slow danced on one of the slower songs and it was romantic.
*Ladies, if you husband doesn't dance with you, YOU NEED TO MAKE THAT HAPPEN.  *
We didn't get home until around 1:45am, but it was worth it.

During the day yesterday, my stomach was aching.  I've been having sharp; fleeting pains all over my belly.  At this point, I've lost track of how long my stomach has been bothering me.  Honestly, it hasn't felt the same since we started the Follistim and Menopur during the "stim" phase of IVF.  My weight isn't fluctuating as much anymore, but my belly starts looking big (bloat) by the end of each day.  I called my GI (Dr. Newman) and talked to one of the nurses who is trying to get me an appointment sooner than August (since we'll be moving forward with the FET.)
Before we started our fertility journey, I always made sure to have at least one appointment with Dr. Newman per year.  As far as I can recall, I've always had stomach problems.  It took talking to my Grandad one day to realize that I needed to see a specialist.  I thought that everyone had issues like me! That was when I was 17.  Since then, I've had two sigmoidoscopies as well as one colonoscopy.  On my father's side of the family, there is a history of Colitis, Diverticulitis, IBS, and Crohn's Disease.  =/  My doctor has been proactive with me always screening for any other issues other than just having a spastic colon.

I hope everyone has a lovely weekend.

Also, a big HELLO to everyone joining from ICLW.  

If you're new to my blog, please check out my pages!  

We're on a rest cycle gearing up for our first FET. 

Just a few of my pages:

Our Story
IVF #1 + OHSS+Hospital stay
FET

Breakdown

The title says it all.  It happened last night.  I fell apart.  Overwhelmed is the only way to express how I feel.

After work, we went to dinner with Rachel & Clint.  It was a good distraction from my emotions.  We had a great meal at Olive Garden, and we talked about all kinds of things.  B and I enjoy our time with them!  Once we got home, it hit me how tired I had been feeling all day.  I realized that I have not slowed down since I got out of the hospital.  I've felt so busy at home and work.  My boss reiterated that I'm in a marathon that cannot be won in a day.  Brandon and I talked for a while last night and he prayed over me before we went to sleep.  I cried so much last night that I still have bags under my eyes even now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today I woke up trying to make it a good day.  I called Brookwood asking more about the nurses who took care of me.  The girl who I spoke with is also a patient of Dr. Allemand.  She has Stage III Endometriosis and needs another surgery (to remove the endo) before they can attempt an IUI.  She will need injectable medications for her IUI and I hope that it will work out that I can help her by donating my unused Follistim.  It's amazing how God works!

Sarah and I went shopping today and I was able to go ahead and get some shopping done for Christmas.  If I don't get started now, there's no way that we'll be able to afford buying for our family and friends.

Sarah with one of the shirts on sale!

I purchased 16 Christmas gifts today; some were got multiple gifts for the same person.  

I also bought some things for myself!

Here is a shot of the Christmas gift items I purchased!

Also, we all have a love affair with Lilly Pulitzer at work!  

My calendar just arrived!  I was super excited.  

Here is a picture of me with mine and then one of Jenna and myself posing.

And Rachel had to mess around with the camera, so here's a picture of her goofing around.  =)

It may not look like I'm having a hard time in these pictures, but retail therapy and prayer does wonders.  I am surrounded by such great people.  

Day 4 in the Hospital

I can't believe that I've been in the hospital for four days.

Last night was rough to say the least.  I've started getting itchy from all of the Lortab that I've been taking.  They gave me Benadryl yesterday because I was clawing myself to death.  Well...  let's just say that

Benadryl + Lortab + Courtney= disaster

My evening nurse came in around 9:30pm to give me my evening Lortab and Valium.  I was only asleep about two hours when I awoke terrified from a nightmare.  My nurse happened to be in the room and calmed me down and gave me a glass of water.  I went back to sleep and awoke again about an hour later.  This time I was freaking out.  I was panicked.  I made Brandon wake up and sit with me.  I couldn't explain it, but I was terrified.  He prayed with me and I was then able to go back to sleep.  That only lasted about another hour.  I woke up this time nauseated.  I hit the call button for the nurse and told her that I was having trouble sleeping.  At this point, I had taken 2 Lortab 7.5s and a Valium.  There is no reason why I should have been awake!

My evening nurse is so amazing.  She could tell that I was rattled and just needed to walk around.  She helped me get dressed, unhooked my IV, and walked with me to the nurse's station.  She and the other night nurses talked to me until I couldn't stand up anymore.  When we returned to my room, it was time for more pain meds.  My nausea and dizziness was getting worse so she gave me Phenergan too.  I slept soundly the rest of the night.  I was so tired.  Brandon and I have kept our usual schedule and been waking up around 6:30-7am the previous mornings.  We both slept until about 8am this morning.  The nurses came in to get my vitals, but I was delirious.  When Dr. Allemand came in, we actually woke up!

Here were my questions for him along with his responses:

• I've had trouble emptying my bladder completely, but he assured me that was normal after OHSS
• My nausea has returned.  He told me that the symptoms of OHSS would continue to come and go.  It doesn't just disappear.

He allowed the nurses to completely disconnect me from my IV today!  He said that my blood work looked good as well.  My potassium was lower today while my calcium was higher than yesterday.  He said that my body would regulate that on it's own.  Dr. Allemand's plan is for me to go home tomorrow.  I'm so excited!  =)  He said that it's going to be a few days before I'm feeling back completely normal.  They will remove my catheter tomorrow and he said I have more fluid build back up afterward, but nothing like how it was previously.

I am just so excited to be going home tomorrow. Cabin Fever has set in and I've not been able to get much rest today.  Every time I fell asleep, someone came in to check my vitals, or one of our phones rang!  Brandon and I have both been so blessed by everyone's kind messages, calls, and visits.  We appreciate it.

I'd like to make a blanket apology for any of the typos/grammatical errors in any of the past posts and the future ones due to my lack of rest and medicine intake.  Thank you for reading.  Thank you for supporting me through one of the lower parts of our journey. 

No Transfer Today; OHSS; In Hospital

We did not do the embryo transfer. My OHSS is worse than expected. One of the nurses did an ultrasound on my belly and it was full of fluid. Dr. Allemand thought it best to have me admitted so that they can put a catheter in my belly to drain the fluid. I am situated with my IV and have been given two Loratab. I'm already feeling a little bit better, but am scared of the drain. As of now, we have 4 AA, 4 AB, and 3 BA quality embryos. They said that we are a candidate for a single embryo transfer. I'm not sure when we'll be able to attempt the Frozen Embryo Transfer, but at least we have great quality embryos. Your prayers are greatly appreciated. I've been in a lot of pain over the past few days and it all makes sense now. We're both obviously upset that our transfer didn't happen today, but we want the best for our future children. God is good all the time. As much as it hurts right now, I know that He has a plan for us.

Suppression Check Passed

We had our suppression check this morning.  Great News: 

I PASSED!

Overall, it was a quick appointment today.  They did the necessary bloodwork and sent me for my ultrasound.  My cyst was still evident on the screen, but it had shrunk in size to 1.6cm.  (Previously, it measured 2.35cm).

Our NP gave me 1200IU of Follistim that had been saved for me since my cancelled cycle in January.  We have not been actively TTC since January.  Wow!  It just occurred to me that it's been that long since we were cycling.  I have no idea how I have made it this long.  And here goes my crazy lady Lupron rant:

Since January I have definitely received much unwanted and unwarranted advice.  I am glad that I chose to make my journey public, but sometimes I wish that people would stop trying to give us advice.  Don't get me wrong, I love when people talk to us about overcoming infertility.  I met a lady from church last week who introduced me to her twins conceived via IUI.  I knew that those two boys were truly a miracle!  Lately, people automatically assume that I'm just distraught; or that I need to relax.  Surprisingly enough, I think that I've been as relaxed as possible.  Yes, I want a baby more than anything.  BUT if I have to hear "in God's time" from one more person I may strangle them.  =)   Did they have to wait for a baby?  Did they have to have numerous procedures and timed intercourse?  If you have not battled Infertility, don't tell someone that it's all a part of God's plan and that it will happen in His timing.  Believe me,  I know this, and do NOT need you to tell me! **Rant over!  This is probably the Lupron talking...  My moods have been swinging!  

We also had to hand over payment for the cycle.  All I can say is that God provides!

Our payment receipt

Janet called and left message on my patient voice mail around 1:30pm saying that everything looked wonderful.  She instructed me to follow my calendar protocol and begin stims on Sunday.  I can't believe it's all happening!

Don't forget to visit my pages for more info:
Lingo
IVF Schedule
The Cost

Not okay today

How I feel at the moment.

Today is the second day of ICLW.  I would much rather have something positive to write, but I do not.   Sorry.

Last night while I was trying to sleep, I prayed so hard for God to calm my nerves.  Stress has crept up on me. Laura graduates tomorrow, we're having a big dinner for her Thursday evening, and my two younger siblings are staying with us Thursday through Tuesday.  We're going to go to two different lakes this weekend, and I start Lupron and have my precycle visit next week.  The BCP phase of the cycle has flown by.  

Two nights ago, I had a nightmare.  The specifics are blurry, but I had an accident that required surgery.  During the surgery, they had to remove all of my reproductive organs, and I was left with the inability to conceive.  When I woke up I had to convince myself that it was all just a terrible dream. 

How has stress managed to sabotage me so quickly?  I don't know when it happened.  I was fine and then I was not.  I laid in bed crying for a while last night for no reason.  I need peace.  

Some of you might think that I'm a pansy.  What does she have to be worried or stressed about?  Brandon and I are two very blessed individuals.  God has done so much for us.  We don't have any major health or financial concerns and our relationship is sound.  I feel so dumb for being stressed at the moment.  I've prayed so much for God's Will and for a baby.  I desperately want everything with this IVF cycle to go as smoothly as possible.  I have implored God to let this attempt end with a take home baby.  Many other woman have struggled for longer than I have. I don't know how they do it.  I don't know how I've made it this far.  I know that my faith in God has helped me greatly.  I don't think He wanted me to hurt this badly, but He will provide.  His plan will be revealed. 

As we get closer to starting Lupron and then stimulation drugs, I realize that I am terrified.  Not of what my body will be going through, but of failing.  I've tried to keep all negative thoughts from my mind, but they've started and there's no turning back.  What if I fail my suppression check?  What if we don't get enough eggs?  What if we have poor quality embroys?  What if I don't get pregnant?  There are so many "what if's" and nothing about this is guaranteed.  I guess it was better for me to have all of the feelings now instead of next week when I have the added side effects of Lupron.

If you've stayed with me this long, thank you.  I understand that I just threw myself a pity party.  I'm sure that you who are reading have your own share of struggles.  Mine are probably nothing in comparison to what you're going through, so I'm sorry for unloading.  God, grant me peace and courage.