Mondays and depression

I love my job.  I'm going to have a busy month, but I'm glad that I enjoy my work and the customers. 

My MIL is coming in about 2 weeks.  I have no idea how I'm going to get the house clean (and keep it that way) before she gets here. 

Something's wrong with one of the nerves in my back.  I'm about to be 25, not 55.  It's not hurting yet today, so maybe it's better.....but it's been going on for about a week or longer now.

I'm tired today.  I haven't felt "tired" in a while.  I've been proud of myself for getting much accomplished on my off days.  Brandon and I shopped after church and lunch yesterday.  We came home and he planted pansies and I cleaned and decorated the house some more.  =) 

Is it selfish to want things for Christmas?  It feels like everyone wants to buy these "big" gifts for us that aren't even things I want.  I don't want a smoker, chiminea(sp), and new mattress.  I know that those are nice things, but I just want to get to unwrap something on Christmas.  I'm never satisfied with the holiday anymore.  Even with what Brandon gives me--I know that's bad.  I feel like I put so much thought and effort in buying the perfect gifts for everyone but no one asks what I want for myself.  I know that we are supposed to be celebrating the birth of Christ, so this is selfish of me to just want a few surprises for myself.  I should stop whining.  I do have everything(but one thing)  that I've ever wanted.  I am one of the lucky ones.  I just don't ever feel that way.

I love my husband more than anyone in the whole world.  Yesterday, he made me feel like he felt the same way about me.  I always feel like I'm bothering or annoying him.  I don't know how to make him happy.  I feel like such a nuisance.  I feel like I talk to him too much.  I feel like we've both changed so much since we first met.  I feel like I have to be someone that I'm not.  I try so hard each day to be confident and not so needy.  To everyone around me I look like I have it all together, but I don't.  I never have.  I put on a great charade.  I think it's time to talk to my doctor again.  Maybe I need to go into counseling again.  I haven't "talked" since Brandon and I were engaged.

This is not the hormones talking, I've been progesterone-free since Thursday.  My cycle should have started by now... but it hasn't.  My last pregnancy test (Thursday) was negative--no surprise there.  It's been 48 days since my last cycle.  After this cycle starts, I think we're going to just play it safe a few months.  At this point, I couldn't get pregnant if I wanted to--not without fertility drugs.  Maybe I'm not supposed to have a baby yet.?.