|How I feel at the moment.|
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Not okay today
Today is the second day of ICLW. I would much rather have something positive to write, but I do not. Sorry.
Last night while I was trying to sleep, I prayed so hard for God to calm my nerves. Stress has crept up on me. Laura graduates tomorrow, we're having a big dinner for her Thursday evening, and my two younger siblings are staying with us Thursday through Tuesday. We're going to go to two different lakes this weekend, and I start Lupron and have my precycle visit next week. The BCP phase of the cycle has flown by.
Two nights ago, I had a nightmare. The specifics are blurry, but I had an accident that required surgery. During the surgery, they had to remove all of my reproductive organs, and I was left with the inability to conceive. When I woke up I had to convince myself that it was all just a terrible dream.
How has stress managed to sabotage me so quickly? I don't know when it happened. I was fine and then I was not. I laid in bed crying for a while last night for no reason. I need peace.
Some of you might think that I'm a pansy. What does she have to be worried or stressed about? Brandon and I are two very blessed individuals. God has done so much for us. We don't have any major health or financial concerns and our relationship is sound. I feel so dumb for being stressed at the moment. I've prayed so much for God's Will and for a baby. I desperately want everything with this IVF cycle to go as smoothly as possible. I have implored God to let this attempt end with a take home baby. Many other woman have struggled for longer than I have. I don't know how they do it. I don't know how I've made it this far. I know that my faith in God has helped me greatly. I don't think He wanted me to hurt this badly, but He will provide. His plan will be revealed.
As we get closer to starting Lupron and then stimulation drugs, I realize that I am terrified. Not of what my body will be going through, but of failing. I've tried to keep all negative thoughts from my mind, but they've started and there's no turning back. What if I fail my suppression check? What if we don't get enough eggs? What if we have poor quality embroys? What if I don't get pregnant? There are so many "what if's" and nothing about this is guaranteed. I guess it was better for me to have all of the feelings now instead of next week when I have the added side effects of Lupron.
If you've stayed with me this long, thank you. I understand that I just threw myself a pity party. I'm sure that you who are reading have your own share of struggles. Mine are probably nothing in comparison to what you're going through, so I'm sorry for unloading. God, grant me peace and courage.