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| How I feel at the moment. |
Today is the second day of ICLW. I would much rather have something positive to write, but I do not. Sorry.
Last night while I was trying to sleep, I prayed so hard for God to calm my nerves. Stress has crept up on me. Laura graduates tomorrow, we're having a big dinner for her Thursday evening, and my two younger siblings are staying with us Thursday through Tuesday. We're going to go to two different lakes this weekend, and I start Lupron and have my precycle visit next week. The BCP phase of the cycle has flown by.
Two nights ago, I had a nightmare. The specifics are blurry, but I had an accident that required surgery. During the surgery, they had to remove all of my reproductive organs, and I was left with the inability to conceive. When I woke up I had to convince myself that it was all just a terrible dream.
How has stress managed to sabotage me so quickly? I don't know when it happened. I was fine and then I was not. I laid in bed crying for a while last night for no reason. I need peace.
Some of you might think that I'm a pansy. What does she have to be worried or stressed about? Brandon and I are two very blessed individuals. God has done so much for us. We don't have any major health or financial concerns and our relationship is sound. I feel so dumb for being stressed at the moment. I've prayed so much for God's Will and for a baby. I desperately want everything with this IVF cycle to go as smoothly as possible. I have implored God to let this attempt end with a take home baby. Many other woman have struggled for longer than I have. I don't know how they do it. I don't know how I've made it this far. I know that my faith in God has helped me greatly. I don't think He wanted me to hurt this badly, but He will provide. His plan will be revealed.
As we get closer to starting Lupron and then stimulation drugs, I realize that I am terrified. Not of what my body will be going through, but of failing. I've tried to keep all negative thoughts from my mind, but they've started and there's no turning back. What if I fail my suppression check? What if we don't get enough eggs? What if we have poor quality embroys? What if I don't get pregnant? There are so many "what if's" and nothing about this is guaranteed. I guess it was better for me to have all of the feelings now instead of next week when I have the added side effects of Lupron.
If you've stayed with me this long, thank you. I understand that I just threw myself a pity party. I'm sure that you who are reading have your own share of struggles. Mine are probably nothing in comparison to what you're going through, so I'm sorry for unloading. God, grant me peace and courage.
Everything you are going through is completely normal (not a good way though). The bcp and the lupron will really mess up your hormones and emotions. I know it doesnt make you feel any better. I was a completely emotional wreck through the supression stage of ivf. YOu can do it though, you are a strong woman!
ReplyDeleteCome on here and vent whenever you need, we have all either been there or understand the feelings. Things should go smoother when you start stims!
Oh Courtney, I don't think you need to feel bad AT ALL about your thoughts and worries. There are SO many details in IVF that it makes everyone nervous! I know all we've done is discuss IVF and it made me nervous just considering all the details involved. I don't have any advice or words of wisdom, but I will just say that I know everything you're thinking and feeling is completely normal and try to take it one day at a time? That's all I can say. Plus, nightmares don't help. :/
ReplyDeleteIck, I hate nightmares like that! And your feelings are just as valid as anyone else's who pass through here. I hope that venting helped a little.
ReplyDeleteYou are not a pansy!!! You are a strong woman who has been through so much, and it is perfectly ok to get scared or panic. This is all completely normal and I am hoping and praying for you to have peace and comfort soon! I will be thinking of you as you start this IVF journey and I have fingers crossed for very good things! Take care of yourself and allow yourself to feel every emotion, it's ok! xxx
ReplyDeleteYou are so normal being stressed and worried about this cycle. Sometimes bad dreams have a way of making us feel like there is a dark cloud hanging over us, or a sign of things to come. You are so incredibly strong to be going through this! Keep praying for peace and trust that God does have something great in store for your life. Easier said than done, but I'm here for you if you need to keep venting! Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteYour fears and anxieties are completely justified. This is such a hard road to have to travel. It tries us physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I will hope and pray for peace for you. I have been praying for the same for me and thankfully, God grants me peace most days. And it is what gets me through (not just infertility, but a few other scary medical things that I've gone through). You are right that God's plan will show and in the end, what He has planned for you will prevail. One day it will all make sense. And right now, all you can do is try. Remembering I am not in control helps me calm down sometimes. And I try to keep in mind that I can wish and pray and beg God for what I want all day long, but His plan is what I am meant for, not mine. I am sure you feel this way too as you faith is apparent, but sometimes its just so hard to accept that God's plan and my plan may be different. But for NOW, we will hope and pray for a successful IVF cycle for you and a thb :) I hope your week gets better hun XO.
ReplyDeletePraying for you sweetie. The praying and questioning are both hard. I struggle with knowing what to pray for a lot of the time. But I don't think you're a pansy, either. I think that all of your fears are completely normal and justified.
ReplyDeleteWe all need pity parties! It's totally normal to feel stressed about all of this, it's a big deal! So your fears are completely rational and justified. Just know that God hears you, He knows your heart and your desire for a baby. I will be praying for you!
ReplyDeletePlease don't be so hard on yourself. You are not a pansy. We have all been there. I'd have a hard time believing anyone who says they weren't completely stressed before an IVF cycle.
ReplyDeleteThe thing is, you are strong. You can do this. We'll be here to cheer you on.
(And a warning...it may get worse, depending on how you react to the drugs, but then it will get better. I promise.)
(Hugs) I hate nightmares like that as well, and like the others posted, try not to be so hard on yourself! Infertility is a huge emotional rollercoaster and you have every right to feel this way before going through IVF. You are an amazing and incredibly strong woman and you will get through this, just take it one day at a time, one minute at a time if you have to. We are all here for you every step of the way=) Wishing you all the best as always and sending you lots of sticky babydust. You can do this!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're feeling so stressed and overwhelmed, and even sorrier you're beating yourself up about it. You're not weak - your worries and fears are real and worthy - and even if you are blessed in so many areas of your life, there is still that baby-sized missing hole that cannot be filled in by other means. I hope you find a way to honor the value of these recent emotions while working through them to find yourself back in a more positive place.
ReplyDeleteAnd thank you for inviting us to your pity party (not that I'd label it as such) - it gives us a chance to be there for you when you need a bit of support, as you are there for others in their times of need.
Its such a roller coaster and what you are feeling is so normal. We are all here for you as you always are for everyone else!
ReplyDelete*sniffle* I know exactly how you feel, sweetheart. Please, PLEASE feel free to call me when you feel this down. We were going to come visit you today, but something told me not to. I think next time I should ignore that "something".
ReplyDeleteIt's okay to feel down and scared. This journey is such a rollercoaster and I truly believe that to survive we have to let ourselves feel all the emotions. I hope you feel better soon.
ReplyDeleteICLW #26
Never feel bad for having to have a pity party, especially if you've already been walking through the trenches. Wishing you lots of peace as you move forward on one of life scariest adventures. ((((HUGS))))
ReplyDeleteYou've been through a long struggle. It's only natural that you need some time to process it all. We're only human...we can't feel positive and upbeat all the time. Hugs to you as you get through this difficult time. Remember that we're all here for you if you need us!
ReplyDeletePity parties are a necessity when dealing with this awful thing called infertility. Any sense of normal is totally thrown out the window. Embrace how you feel and know that eventually it will get better. But for right now, for today, it is okay to not be okay. Thinking of you!!!
ReplyDeleteICLW greetings! Anyone who goes through the valley of IF and IVF is a woman of much strength and courage. God hears your prayers even though it may not feel like it and he will answer. Hoping you have a successful cycle!
ReplyDeleteHi from ICLW. I'm sorry you're having such a bad day. Somedays you can pick yourself up and be positive, some days its just too hard. I am also relatively unscathed (if that's the right word to use) by this IF journey, as compared to others. But we all have our pain, and you should not feel guilty for feeling your pain. Hang in there and i hope it all works out!
ReplyDeleteSending you lots of hugs. It is definitely ok (and healthy) to recognize your blessings and feel grateful towards them but at the same time feel the sadness and emptiness of what you don't (yet) have. I wish you tons of luck with your upcoming cycle. I hope it will bring only good things, though I totally understand all of the worry and anxiety.
ReplyDeleteGod is with you....remember....the teacher is always quiet during the test.
ReplyDeleteI prematurely hit enter! Sending you good vibes for your upcoming cycle :) The only thing that gets me through this is the hope that a reason for this will be revealed one day.
ReplyDelete;) the cool thing about me just reading this.... 2 of your " what if" worries are over and they are no longer an issue to worry about. You can look at that and be thankful those steps and that worry is over!! Miss you!
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