ONE

Elliana turned ONE today.  Where has the past year gone?

I wish that I had written more in her first year.  Between the PPD, Colic, Acid Reflux and just life... you know.  I hope and plan to write more in the future.

She had a check up today and she weighs 22 lbs 4 oz, is 29.75 in tall and has a big head! :)  She says MaMa, DaDa, Pop, PaPa, ByeBye, Bird, and her favorite is HOT.  She started walking about a month ago and is all over the place.  She loves music and dances now.  She's just growing up so much.  Everyone always says that the grow up so quickly but I had no idea until now.

Here are a few pictures of The Birthday Girl!

I truly thought I wouldn't be one of those blogger moms who forgot about their blog once the baby came.  I assure you that I never forgot about the blog.  I just didn't know what to write about, or couldn't find the time, or didn't just want to show up here to complain.  I've seriously missed this writing space and will continue to make time to write in the near future.

Postpartum Depression

I was diagnosed with PPD within weeks of having our daughter.  Guilt.  Anxiety.  Panic Attacks.  Anger.  Exhaustion.  Helplessness.  Each day is still a battle for me.  

Sweet Elliana had some serious fourth trimester issues, nasty acid reflux, and a touch of colic.  Our sweet girl did not sleep through the night until she was past six months old.  I swore that I would never bedshare, but that adorable angel slept on her Daddy's chest or in my arms for the first four months of her life.  While she was supposed to be nursing every three to four hours, she was crying to be fed every two.  She was feisty to say the least.  

Now she's nine months old.  Ellie has been sleeping through the night for about two months now.  We had an ear infection last week and it's disrupted our sleep some, but we can get back on track soon.  

I wish I could speak differently about the depression that haunts me.  Motherhood is all that I've ever wanted.  For the two years that we struggled to conceive I promised myself that I would enjoy each and every little moment with my children.  PPD has stolen so many of these moments from me.  My anxiety is ridiculous.  I've only recently begun to leave Elliana in the church nursery during service.  Between Brandon and myself we probably check on her six times during a 45 minute sermon.  Other than Sunday mornings and Wednesday evenings, I'm never away from her.  Part of me wants some time on my own, but the other gets nervous at the very thought.  

I've stepped away from my blog for some time now because I haven't known what to write about.  I haven't wanted to complain, but I now truly realize what PPD has stolen from me.  I'm trying to simplify my days and not let having dishes in the sink make or break my day.  Elliana and I are finding more activities to do together to keep us out of the house!  So look for more posts about our adventures together.  

Our story in the news

Here is our story in the local newspaper! We were thankful to be able to share about our journey to Elliana. I just hope that our pathway can continue to provide hope to others.

6 Months

Elliana is six months old today and I cannot believe how quickly time has flown. We have just revisited sleep training, and I'm proud to report that Ellie is sleeping in her own crib in her room. It's been pretty hard on Brandon and myself. I miss her being in the room with us, but we are all sleeping better with our space. Miss Ellie absolutely loves watching television. It's like she just realized that the big box with the talking people inside it is funny. She loves to eat bananas, sweet potatoes, and butternut squash. She doesn't like taking bottles and would rather eat from the "Mommy Buffet." She now says "ma-ma" but only when she's crying. I've been a terrible blogger, but only because I feel so overwhelmed all of the time. My schedule has finally slowed down and I'm trying to enjoy the little moments with my precious miracle. I'm still struggling daily with postpartum depression, but I'm surrounded by a supportive group of friends and family. I have missed writing here (free therapy). Sometimes it's just hard because I feel guilty for being on the other side of infertility now. My thoughts and prayers are still with all of you in the trenches fighting for your forever family.

It's Been a Month...

...since my last update.  One.whole.month.  I can remember when I updated my blog daily.
I said that I wasn't going to be one of those moms who abandons her blog once the baby arrives.  I guess I was wrong!  I miss writing and am going to make more time in my day to capture my thoughts.  It's like free therapy.

Elliana has grown up so much.  She's rolling over from back to tummy now, reaching for me and her bottle, and laughing and smiling all of the time.  She's a happy baby as long as I'm around!  To say that she's a bit attached to me is an understatement.  I am so blessed to be staying at home with her, but I do need her to be around other people as well.

I honestly have no idea how other SAHMs do it.  They always look like they just have it all together.  I'm lucky to brush my teeth and shower each day.  I choose whether it's more important to eat or clean while Ellie naps.  Heavens, we're still not sleeping through the night and have begun waking every two hours again. It's not been fun at all!  I often find myself feeling so guilty to have prayed and prayed for this little person when I'm crying because I just-need-a-break.  I don't know if it's just me or the PPD making me crazy.  I was in hopes that my depression would have lessened by now but it's still a daily struggle.

Nothing about motherhood has been what I expected.  I knew that each day would come with it's own challenges, but I did not envision severe acid reflux, early teething, possible renal refulx, EEGs, EKGs, upper GIs, catheter bladder samples, rectal exams, and multiple blood draws (including a cranium draw) in the first four months of Ellie's birth. We've definitely had some scares and issues with our little girl's health, but I do rely on the ultimate Healer.

I haven't seen my blog as a priority of my free time, but I see now how much I have missed this place.  I still read all of your blogs and love keeping up with the journeys that everyone is in.  To all of you still in the trenches, I am praying with you to achieve your FOREVER FAMILY.

Gotcha Day

It's crazy to think that this time one year ago I was just hoping and praying that one or both of my tiny embryos had implanted.

On Friday, September 6, 2013, we celebrated Elliana's "Gotcha Day."  She has given Brandon and I so much joy.  She keeps us on our toes and is high maintenance (just like me), but I wouldn't trade it for the world.  The past few months have been incredibly trying for me as a new mother, but I knew parenthood wasn't going to be easy.  There are many days where I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing, but I just try to laugh and smile at the blessing that God gave us.

The IVF experience was one of the most difficult things I've ever endured both physically and mentally.  On the difficult days filled with fussiness I will always remember what we went through to get pregnant with Elliana.  She's our own little miracle and gift from God.

Updates from a Bad Blogger

Ellie is 3 months old and I'm still getting the hang of this whole Mommy job!  I've been working on organizing and de-cluttering the house, so much of my free time has been taken.  Who's kidding, I have NO free time these days but I'm not complaining!

We bought a minivan!  It's scary how much I love my new vehicle....it has so much room!  Now Ellie will never be allowed to play soccer because I canNOT be called a soccermom!

Ellie has begun napping during the day unswaddled.  I'm too afraid to not bind her up at night.  Lately she's not been sleeping well at night, but I'm not too worried about it.  She's still in the bedroom with us, but she sleeps in her bouncy seat.  She moves around too much in the bassinet and keeps me awake.  I tried putting her in the pack-and-play, but she spins around.

We're still breastfeeding!  Ellie has been interested in food for a long time, and we've started giving her single grain oatmeal with a spoon once a day.  She LOVES it and has surprised me with how well she eats.  I look forward to making baby food in the coming months!

As far as PPD is concerned...  I have good days and bad days.  I'm still on the lowest dosage of Prozac and have considered talking to the doctor about upping that.  With football season approaching, I'm already anxious about leaving Ellie so Brandon and I can attend some games together.  I desperately need a little bit of time away from her, but I'm too nervous.  I can only hope that this will ease as Ellie gets older.  I plan on writing more about Postpartum Depression in the future, promise.  Because I'm still trying to win the battle, it's difficult to write about it.  But I will start compiling my thoughts on the subject and try to share my journey with it.

My mind is in about 10 different places right now, so I will just end with some pictures of Ellie.

I wish I had the exact same outfit in my size

Ellie LOVED swimming in the lake with Daddy.  Ok, she was only in the water for 5 minutes but she seemed to like it!

Ready to go to church

With Granny (her great-grandmother)

Super Ellie

Sleeping just now unswaddled

Messing Up the Schedule

Rookie Mistake!  We are still trying to fix the schedule!  I have definitely learned my lesson and will not be adding any extra activities to our routine on Sundays.

My poor baby is napping now and woke up crying.  I went in and checked on her and she would NOT take her pacifier.  If I pick her up she immediately stops crying and takes the passy, but wakes by the time I'm down the hall after putting her back down.  It's so hard for me to listen to her cry, but I know it's best for both of us.  I desperately want her to self soothe.  I could just kick myself in the booty for going shopping on Sunday. :-(

Here's to hoping that we can get the schedule back in sync!

Tummy Time!

My Super Baby

Ellie has some funny expressions

Tummy Time wore her out!

Sleep Scheduling Continued

Our new schedule has been amazing.  I've been able to clean up around the house, shower, do laundry, and even eat!  Woohoo!  Going to church yesterday morning and enjoying some shopping did throw off the routine and I paid for it last night with Ellie not getting a solid sleep, but we'll get back on schedule today.

I don't have much else to say right now.  There's far too much I need to be doing around the house at the moment so I will update later!

Sleep Training

How is it August already?  This summer is moving by so quickly and football season is only a few weekends away.  Where has the time gone?  My little girl will be all grown before I know it!!!!!

Up until now Ellie has not been on a defined schedule.  That is ALL changing!  Ellie had been crying a lot and wasn't taking good naps.  She would wake easily and her tummy was bothering her a lot.  I made another pediatrician appointment for yesterday and saw a different doctor.  This doctor told me that Ellie needed a schedule with specific sleep times and she also needed to learn how to self soothe.  Whew!  Hearing this was so hard.  I had waited for this little angel for so long and I just wanted to spoil her as much as possible.  I've mentioned previously that we've co-slept with Ellie since birth.  She wouldn't sleep any other way.

After we got home from our appointment yesterday afternoon I began the transition into scheduling sleep.

E.A.S.Y.

Eat

Activity

Sleep

Yourself

The acronym is pretty self explanatory.  Ellie eats.  I then burp her and change her diaper if I haven't already.  I sit her in the bouncy seat and we play with our toys and I read to her sometimes as well.  (I actually read a Charlaine Harris book to her aloud this morning- haha.)  When I see her getting a little sleepy, I get her up and swaddle her and rock her for a few minutes before returning her to the bassinet.  If she wakes I check on her after about 15 minutes or so, hold her hand for a minute or two and then leave again.

Surprisingly enough this is a great system.  Until now Ellie had been eating every 2 hours!  It left little to no time for me to do anything.  I was a little concerned at the frequency of her feedings as was the pediatrician. Since yesterday, I've been able to stretch out her feedings as well as have her sleep in her bassinet by my side of the bed.  Brandon slept in the guest room last night since he had to leave early to drive to Mississippi for the day.  Ellie did so much better than I expected and was able to be calmed down by holding my hand during the night.  I did miss my snuggles with my little princess, but I felt great knowing that she was safely swaddled next to me in her own sleep space.

It will definitely take us some time to completely adjust to this schedule and new sleeping arrangements, but we can do it.

Watching Mommy dry her hair and put on make up.  She's mesmerized by the hairdryer!

"It's a wonderful day to be nude!"
At the pediatrician's office waiting for the doctor to come in.

This may be one of my favorite pictures of her.
I'm so in love with my little girl.