Infertility & Negative Chatter

Since August, our Wednesday night Women's Group has been reading Unglued:  Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions by Lysa Terkeurst.

In Chapter 10, Lysa uses the example of "putting words" into her husband's mouth.  She assumed that her husband thought she was being annoying.  We've all been there before in some relationship or another.  We all just assume that our spouse (or any other person) is having particular thoughts or feelings, and we get upset with them for no actual reason.  We come up with our own assumptions in our minds and then get upset.  When I read this chapter, I was reminded of all the thoughts I endured while facing infertility.

When Brandon and I were seeking fertility treatment, I had so much "negative inside chatter" running through my head.  It wasn't always directed at individuals, but I made generalized assumptions about people.  Every time I heard a pregnancy announcement, I was convinced it would never happen for me.  I would then come up with such negative thoughts.  "Those women didn't struggle to conceive."  "She didn't have to go for weekly appointments, ultrasounds, and blood drawls."  I would move from feeling sorry for myself to being jealous of their joy.  I would have so many terrible thoughts running through my head that I would make myself miserable.  Instead of being joyful that they did not struggle, I would feel pity for myself.  How did I know that they didn't have trouble conceiving?  How did I know that they didn't suffer loss?  I was so busy being upset at my own situation, that I didn't realize that everyone endures sad times and trials. From reading Unglued, I know that the enemy was responsible for many of my negative thoughts. Satan used those situations to bring me down.

Insert Lysa's wisdom:
"Toxic thoughts are so dangerous because they leave no room for truth to flourish.  And lies are what reign in the absense of truth." p141

Believe it or not, I still feel slightly upset when I hear pregnancy announcements.  I've talked with other women who have battled infertility and are pregnant, and they understand my feelings.  It's not something that you just forget or get over.  It becomes a part of you.  There is always the constant fear of losing your pregnancy or not being able to conceive again. Brandon kept me grounded during so many rough times.  He was always the voice of reason when all of the negative thoughts would creep in.  Don't get me wrong, he too struggled with his own sadness and jealousy when we were infertile, but he had a better way of keeping it in check. He always reminded me to focus on the positive.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  Philippians 4:6-7 

We were lucky to have the financial resources to pursue fertility treatment.  Not everyone is so lucky.  We were lucky that his cancer did not leave him sterile.  In Vitro provided us with great quality embryos.  We had an amazing support system at church surrounding us during our trying times.  He always reminded me of the positive things we had going on for us.

When I look back on the two years it took for us to conceive the precious baby growing in my tummy, I am ever reminded of God working in our lives.  I still struggle with negative inside chatter, but now I feel better equipped to deal with those issues.