Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Trying to Conceive and Thoughts for Elliana
It's easy to reflect on our past journey now that Elliana is almost here. Part of me knew that we would get pregnant, but I had no idea how long it would take. Sometimes I feel guilty that we responded so well with IVF and that our first FET was successful. There are so many other women who are still trying to get pregnant after multiple IVF attempts.
Why did it work for us so quickly?
I began writing on this blog in 2010. After about five posts or so it became a blog about us trying to get pregnant. Most of the writing was me hopeless month after month of seeing negative HPTs. I had no readers and didn't really share my blog with people that I knew in real life. The address was listed under my information on Facebook, but I wasn't sure that anyone even noticed it. Through Fertility Friend and other online communities my readership grew and now I'm nearing 100,000 page views. Who knew that anyone was reading my words from a small town in Alabama.
Now I look at this blog as a gift to Elliana. My prayer is that she never encounters difficulty when she's ready to start her family. But I also want her to know that her life was planned and we desperately hoped and prayed for her. All life is a gift, but I cannot help but know that her life will be full of meaning. God must have good things in store for her. I hope that our story continues through her and does not end with her birth. Elliana will be told from an early age what it took to conceive her. Who knows if we will ever have another child. I try to think about having more children, but my mind cannot even comprehend going through more treatment even though we still have four frozen embryos waiting.
Pregnancy has been no cake walk for me, but it hasn't been unbearable either. I've never believed women who said they enjoyed every second of their pregnancy anyways. I'm completely miserable these days, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. This hidden basketball of a belly under my shirt is what I longed for in the early days of this blog.
In this last month of pregnancy I am finding myself sentimental and full of thoughts that I want to capture in prose before they escape me.
You are my Joy.
I will never be a perfect parent, but I will be the perfect mother for you. God chose to give you to us, and I promise to always protect you. I vow to love God first, love your Daddy second, and then love you. I will not make you an idol that I worship, but love you more than you will ever understand until you have children of your own.