Sunday, May 12, 2013

My First Mother's Day

You would think that I would have been looking forward to this day all week.  Don't get me wrong, I have!  I had a realization earlier this week that I didn't have to be sad on this Mother's Day.  Elliana may not be here yet but I am a Mother.  I don't have to skip church or hide from Facebook today.

Last year Brandon and I escaped to the beach with Brian and Sheri on Mother's Day weekend.  I had just finished a crazy week at work and also received my IVF calendar in the mail.  I keep recounting all that we were going through this time last year.

When we have infant baptisms at church now, I only cry because I can just see Brandon and I standing before the church dedicating our own child to the Lord.  So much has changed, but I still feel scarred from what we endured to get here.  I feel guilt for wanting my water to break or contractions to start.  I feel bad for wanting the pregnancy to end so I can meet Ellie.  I should still enjoy being pregnant, but my anticipation builds each day that we get closer to our due date.  I am grateful for the gift of pregnancy because of Elliana, but my body is so tired and nothing could have prepared me for this part of the journey.

Coming home from dinner last night I told Brandon that it still doesn't seem quite real.  Nine months have flown by and he and I have gotten used to seeing my belly grow larger each week.  Feeling her kick and jab has become common.  My bladder stays full, and I'm just getting used to people staring at my tummy and asking me when she's due.  But she is real; an answered prayer.  She will be here soon and our lives will change forever.  I've always hated that statement, but it's true.  It won't be just the two of us anymore.

For me, it was never about just having a baby.  I truly realized that yesterday while we were at lunch and little six year old girl's eyes caught mine.  Then we were at the store and I saw a girl about the same age grocery shopping with her mom.  Having a baby is going to be amazing, but I can't wait for ALL of it.  The tea parties, birthdays, shopping trips, and even the fights.  I can't wait to see Brandon dance with his little girl and teach her about superheroes.  I cannot believe that God trusted us with this gift of a child.  As hard as it would have been, I would have still loved Him if we never had a baby of our own.  Today I am thankful to celebrate this Mother's Day knowing that Elliana can be here any day now.  Thank you, God.  You are so good and I continue to be amazed by your love.

Happy Mother's Day to all of the women in my life.  All women are mothers in their own right.  God provided me many opportunities to "mother."  My prayers today are with all of the women longing to be mothers.

To those who gave birth this year to their first child—we celebrate with you 
To those who lost a child this year – we mourn with you 
To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food
stains – we appreciate you 
To those who experienced loss through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away—we mourn with you To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and
disappointment – we walk with you. Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don’t mean to make this harder than it is 
To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you 
To those who have warm and close relationships with your children – we celebrate with you 
To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children – we sit with you 
To those who lost their mothers this year – we grieve with you 
To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother – we acknowledge your experience 
To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of motherhood – we are better for having you in our midst 
To those who have aborted children - we remember them and you on this day
To those who are single and long to be married and mothering your own children - we mourn
that life has not turned out the way you longed for it to be 
To those who step-parent - we walk with you on these complex paths 
To those who envisioned lavishing love on grandchildren, yet that dream is not to be - we
grieve with you 
To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year – we grieve and rejoice with you 
To those who placed children up for adoption – we commend you for your selflessness and
remember how you hold that child in your heart 
And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising –we anticipate with you This Mother’s Day, we walk with you. 
Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have real warriors in our midst. 
We remember you.

1 comment:

Thank you for visiting my blog! I appreciate your comments and support on our journey.

As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more.
Psalm 71:14