Last year Brandon and I escaped to the beach with Brian and Sheri on Mother's Day weekend. I had just finished a crazy week at work and also received my IVF calendar in the mail. I keep recounting all that we were going through this time last year.
When we have infant baptisms at church now, I only cry because I can just see Brandon and I standing before the church dedicating our own child to the Lord. So much has changed, but I still feel scarred from what we endured to get here. I feel guilt for wanting my water to break or contractions to start. I feel bad for wanting the pregnancy to end so I can meet Ellie. I should still enjoy being pregnant, but my anticipation builds each day that we get closer to our due date. I am grateful for the gift of pregnancy because of Elliana, but my body is so tired and nothing could have prepared me for this part of the journey.
Coming home from dinner last night I told Brandon that it still doesn't seem quite real. Nine months have flown by and he and I have gotten used to seeing my belly grow larger each week. Feeling her kick and jab has become common. My bladder stays full, and I'm just getting used to people staring at my tummy and asking me when she's due. But she is real; an answered prayer. She will be here soon and our lives will change forever. I've always hated that statement, but it's true. It won't be just the two of us anymore.
For me, it was never about just having a baby. I truly realized that yesterday while we were at lunch and little six year old girl's eyes caught mine. Then we were at the store and I saw a girl about the same age grocery shopping with her mom. Having a baby is going to be amazing, but I can't wait for ALL of it. The tea parties, birthdays, shopping trips, and even the fights. I can't wait to see Brandon dance with his little girl and teach her about superheroes. I cannot believe that God trusted us with this gift of a child. As hard as it would have been, I would have still loved Him if we never had a baby of our own. Today I am thankful to celebrate this Mother's Day knowing that Elliana can be here any day now. Thank you, God. You are so good and I continue to be amazed by your love.
Happy Mother's Day to all of the women in my life. All women are mothers in their own right. God provided me many opportunities to "mother." My prayers today are with all of the women longing to be mothers.