Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Why isn't this just a dream

Yesterday was a hard day.  On top of receiving my terrible news, my friend's mother is about to battle cancer for the 9th time.  This lady is one of the strongest women that I have ever met.  She was actually seated across from me in the waiting room before both of our procedures on Monday morning. 

I only managed to cry a few times yesterday.  My boss had his arms around me, hugging me before he could even tell me how sorry he was that I needed another surgery.  The girls at work have been great through this entire process.  They had all of the same questions that I was already thinking.  Randal brought me a surprise, and Jen just tried to keep my mind occupied. 

I'm considering calling the doctor today.  My anxiety level is through the roof.  I had pain in my chest ALL day yesterday.  When I came home, I could barely eat without feeling intense pain.  Yesterday, I took at least 7 pepto bismol chewable pills and nothing happened.  I laid down at 7:45pm last night and was sound asleep by 8pm.  I allowed myself to sleep in until 7am this morning, just hoping that my strange symptoms would have disappeared by now.  Update:  they're not gone.  My throat hurts down into my stomach and I just feel heavy.  It is like there's an elephant sitting on my chest.  Along with that, I'm experiencing symptoms from Provera (which are like pregnancy symptoms).  I was proud of myself for only crying so much yesterday, but I'm already drowning in my tears writing this.  I'm trying to hard not to question God.  I promised myself that I would give my Infertility struggle to Him, but how do I keep from feeling so sad and defeated?

1 comment:

  1. I was so sad to read your post the other day. And your despair today is heartbreaking. Your last question is impossible to answer. We all find ourselves feeling exactly that way too often. I know you commented on my post yesterday, but if you didn't listen to the song I linked to, you should. I've probably listened 20 times since I heard it first, and it's the only thing that has kept me from completely spiraling.


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As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more.
Psalm 71:14