One of our associate pastors at church (Larry) stopped by to check in on us last night. I know that God told him to come and visit us when he did. He talked to us about how difficult our journey through infertility has been. He asked us questions that no one else has ever asked us before. He actually asked us about all of the unsolicited advice we receive. He mentioned how people often don't know what to say, so they say condescending things like "it will happen when it happens," or "it's a part of God's plan." Brandon and I were able to let off some much needed steam talking to him. Last night was also the first time we let our guards down and and cried about our current situation. We have both been trying to stay strong for each other. Last night we both let go.
Brandon and I were both so hopeful for this IVF attempt. For the most part, everything went as well as could be expected up until time for the embryo transfer. The past few days have been so difficult for me because many people haven't truly understood how we feel. So many people actually thought we were just postponing the transfer a few days. (You CANNOT do that. Embryos must be transferred at either day 3 or day 5-after that they must be frozen.) So many individuals are clueless about anything relating to infertility. Also, I don't think that everyone has understood the severity of my situation. Yes, I knew all of the risks involved when we started the process of IVF. I was counselled about OHSS, but did not think it would happen to me. Everyone thinks that they're invincible. It usually only affects 10% of women undergoing fertility treatment. If you saw me in the days leading up to our scheduled transfer, it was written all over my face how much pain I was going through. I could barely sleep at night. I couldn't get up out of bed or even walk without someone holding on to me. This has been the worst pain that I've ever endured, both emotionally and physically. If you have not ridden the roller coaster of emotions that infertility takes you on, then you will not understand. We waited and waited and waited to start this cycle. Now we are back to waiting. Healing, waiting, and preparing for another cycle.
I will continue to glorify God no matter the circumstance. Things could have been much worse than they truly are. I can do all things with Him. Without God, we would have never gotten as far as we did in the IVF process. He provided in every aspect of the situation. He is my source of strength. When I am weak He is strong. He is the only reason that I am able to make myself get up out of this hospital bed and try to feel better.