God's Hand

Yesterday, I was overwhelmed by Toni Rapp.  She has offered to give me her left over Follistim for my upcoming IVF cycle.  After being declined for the financial assistance, I was so upset.  (I went into a mad cleaning rage around the store.)  I tried to keep myself occupied for the rest of the day, but it was difficult.  As we were  packing up to go home, I decided to jump on my blog for a few minutes.  I saw that I had a few comments.  Toni had offered to give me 900 iu that she had left over in Follistim.  This is the drug that cost $600 for only 300 iu when I used the medicine in January.

Brandon and I both had no idea how we were going to pay for the medicine required to complete the cycle.  He was mad and I was devastated.  We are both still in disbelief at the generosity of Toni. God answered our prayers.

My baseline appointment is scheduled for next Tuesday at 9am.  I will be sure to post my calendar as soon as I know my protocol.

Application Declined

Suzanne called me back today.  Apparently, we did not spend enough money on our fertility procedures.  This is an income based program.  I told her that our IVF was going to be around $8600.  She said that I should try to send her another fax with the information concerning the IVF.  She also asked me if I could find any more invoices or receipts from the past year.  Apparently we came extremely close to reaching the amount to qualify for the free drugs.  Close but no cigar.

Krueger Family Prayers

Please visit this page and pray for this family.  The Kruegers live in my Dad's neighborhood.  They've always been so kind to my Dad (and me when I still lived in the neighborhood).  Their daughter, Emma, is about to undergo surgery due to a Chiari Malformation.

I cannot imagine what this family is going through.  They are asking for specific prayers:

·         Peace for Emma (and us all)

·         Joy IN the middle of all of this

·         Provision

·         Steady Hands for Dr. Oakes & his team

·         The ability to get Dr. Defreese to be her anesthesiologist

·         The ability to get an order for blood & people to give in case there is a need

·         No SEVERE PERMANENT Complications from the surgery

·         No temporary complications from the surgery (hydrocephalus specifically)

·         Surgery would be successful

·         Recovery would be complete & speedy

·         As the years go by that Emma would not need an additional surgery for this newly discovered lifelong disorder.

The Krueger Family

No news is good news

The goal of the day is to NOT hear from Suzanne.  She said that no news is good news!  It would be absolutely fabulous to receive financial aid for my medications.  (Not to say that we couldn't pay for the drugs on our own.)  God has been so good to us.  We have somehow been able to afford all of this so far.  Brandon handles all of our finances.  It's easier for me that way.  Handling the money seems too stressful, and I'm stressed enough right now.

The plan is to have my baseline appointment next week.  I probably should call today and schedule for Tuesday since that's my off day.  To say I'm nervous is an understatement.  Brandon had an appointment in Enterprise scheduled on Tuesday, but he told the person he was meeting that we were about to begin IVF and he wanted to be able to go to the doctor with me.  The guy was very understanding; Brandon said that he probably knew someone going through or who had gone through this. Much of my anxiety was stemming from the fear of going to this particular appointment without Brandon.  Dad was on stand-by, but I really wanted B to be with me.  He asks great questions when there.  B said that he's nervous too, but has enough distractions during the day to not dwell on it. 

We've been watching Mad Men lately.  It's GREAT!  We found it on Netflix and have been watching the entire series.  It's kept us occupied in the evenings.  For a while, all of our conversations somehow became about our fertility.  It's been nice to take a break from that...especially before we begin the marathon run of IVF!

I finally finished faxing all of our information for the Compassionate Care application.  My fax to them was 62 pages, including the cover sheet. They required:

• 2 current paycheck stubs from both Brandon and myself
• 1040
• my birth certificate
• any OOP bills/copays from the past year
• I opted to include a brief biography about our journey to conceive thus far

We had a LOT of expenses in the past year!  You can see those items here.  My hope is that they will accept our application and help us out with the fertility drugs for our IVF cycle.  Please keep your fingers crossed for us.  It would be amazing to not have to pay the $3000-$5000 just for the drugs!!

Last Day of Provera

Thankfully, today was my last day of taking Provera.  It's crazy how bad this medicine makes me feel.  Some days are alright, but I have crazy mood swings for the most part.  I'll be glad to start feeling like myself in the next few days.

The plan is for AF to arrive within the next three days and go in for CD 3 baselines next week.  From there I will get my IVF protocol! 

Happy!

This morning I decided to call the nursing line and ask about my HSG results.  Melissa (nurse) is so great!  I think I talk to her at least once a week.  She said that Dr. Allemand agreed that my uterine septum was resected enough to move forward with IVF.  No more surgery!! Yay!

 

Provera

I've been taking Provera for the past few days to bring on a new cycle.  I forgot how much I dislike this medicine.  Luckily, I've been able to ward off the tears.  My mood swings have been intense, and all I want to do is eat!  It's all worth it though.  Who knows when I'd begin another cycle without it. =)

What God Meant

While browsing new blogs for ICLW, I stumbled upon a poem.  The author is unknown, but the words felt like they came straight from my heart.  God did choose us for a reason.  Yes, the pain of Infertility hurts, but we are called for a higher purpose. 

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. ¹⁴ I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile." Jeremiah 29:11-14

What do I think God meant when He gave me Infertility?

I think He meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. 

I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time Infertility knocks us down.

I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols.

I think God meant for us to find a cure for fertility. 

No, God never meant for me to not have children.

That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on.

I've been placed on the road less traveled, and like it or not, I'm a better person for it.

Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let Him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God singled me out for special treatment. 

I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.

While I would never have chosen Infertility, I cannot deny that a fertile woman could ever experience the joy that I know awaits me.

Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own.

And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice, I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when He handed me Infertility. I already know.

ICLW this week

Hi all from ICLW!

 

For those of you who are new to my blog... I am 26 and my husband, Brandon is 35.  We've been TTC our first child since Summer 2010.  We always knew that we wanted to become parents.   We had no idea that our journey would include so many obstacles!  Brandon had cancer when he was about 25 years old.  He went through chemotherapy, which greatly affected his SA.  I took BCP for about 7 years or so, and found that I had irregular cycles for months after coming off the pill.  At our first HSG, the doctor found that I had a Uterine Septum.  I've had two surgeries (Laparoscopy & Hysteroscopy) to attempt to remove the septum.  Also, I have Stage II Endometriosis.

Right now we are waiting to see if my uterine septum issue is corrected, and hospitable enough to continue forward with IVF.  For more details about our journey, you can visit the page titled, "My Story."  

Thanks for visiting!  ICLW #14

HSG results

I apologize for not posting yesterday.  Once I got home, I cooked dinner for Rachel and Clint.  Rachel spent the night with me since B is still out of town.  I slept so well last night just knowing I wasn't alone in the house! =)

Dr. Houserman performed my HSG.  It hurt!  They had prescribed a Valium for me to take prior to the procedure.  I took it too soon at my last appointment, so I took it later this time.  (It never kicked in until AFTER the appointment).  I dissolved an Ativan under my tongue and it helped relax me a little.  I'm a weenie when it comes to having all of these tests.  My severe pelvic pain makes most of the procedures almost unbearable.  Thankfully it was over quickly and I only cried for about three minutes.  It was evident from the x-ray that the septum is still there.  =(  Dr. Houserman said that she thought it was alright to move forward with IVF.  I wish that the septum had been completely removed!  I will not let myself get upset or hopeful until I talk to Dr. Allemand.  He should be back in the office next week so I will leave message to see what he says about the results.

3rd HSG Tomorrow

For those of you who have been following my story, you know that my uterus has caused us many issues with TTC.  Tomorrow I will have my third and hopefully final HSG!

A uterine septum is a congenital (birth) defect where the uterus is not shaped correctly.  On my first HSG in June, it appeared that I had two divided cavities.  Dr. Bates resected much of the septum in September, but there was still an evident divide in January when Dr. Allemand looked at my second HSG results.  After my surgery was complete in February, Dr. Allemand gave me before and after pictures of my uterus, tubes, and ovaries.

At the top you can see the septum before and after resection.

Endometriosis

Open tubes and more Endo

Adhesions of Endo on my Uterus

Opening of both tubes and my Septum

There was no way to know that I had a uterine septum until I had began seeing a RE.  There are no signs or symptoms, other than not getting pregnant or having recurrent miscarriages.  My chemical pregnancy in November could have due in part to the residual septum.  Making sure that my womb is shaped correctly is extremely important for us to get pregnant and carry a baby to term.  Many women still get pregnant with the uterine septum present, but babies are often breeched and have little room inside.  Also, it makes implantation more difficult, because there is no blood flow to the septum.

Having seen the images of my womb, I feel confident about tomorrow's HSG.  At our appointment last week, Dr. Allemand said that a slight contour in the cavity would be alright.  My tubes have been checked out four times already (previous HSGs and with each surgery) so I feel that I can only expect good news tomorrow.

Please keep me in your prayers tomorrow.  My Dad is taking me (he also took me to my last HSG).  I'm hoping for better results for the both of us.  I don't think Dad could stand to see me upset again.  Also, Brandon is out of town for work and I want to have something good to share with him tomorrow evening!

Happy Friday

Brandon leaves for Las Vegas on Sunday.  I'm so jealous!  He'll be gone for about six days.  I don't think we've ever been apart from each other for that long.  I'm sure that I'll keep myself occupied. =)

I read the IVF packet this morning.  Information overload!  I'll post more later!  I hope that everyone has a Happy Friday and a great weekend!

IVF

Our appointment went extremely well today.  I will start Provera on CD 16 (which is less than 9 days).  I am still set for my HSG next Tuesday.  We will start IVF as soon as I begin a new cycle!  I'm scared, excited, and nervous all at the same time!  Luckily, we have found a way to pay for it.  God is so great.  Again, I wish that we didn't have to go through this to have a child, but we are lucky to have this opportunity.

God is Good & The Big Picture

The past two days have been great.  My friend, K, had another ultrasound on Tuesday.  She was measuring 6w3d.  =)  We got to talk for a while on Tuesday, and she let me throw my pity party.  I cannot express how important it is to have people to talk to when going through IF.  Thankfully I got over my pity party and started to obsess over symptoms with her!

Yesterday I checked my email and had a message from a friend.  We had went to high school together, and ended up attending the same church for a while.  She had stumbled upon my blog, and she too is a fellow infertile.  The world is so strange.  She and I had many of the same specific situations including our uterine abnormalities, Endometriosis, and husbands with less than normal SA.  She shared her struggles with me and told me that they are now expecting.  They underwent IVF at our same clinic!  God is so Good! 

I'm sorry for all of the recent sad posts.  My pity party is over for the time being.  It took a while, but I am beginning to see the big picture.  All of the previous IUI attempts and cancellations have been hard for us, but they all happened for a reason.  He does have a plan.  I've shared my journey so that others could see what we've overcome thus far.  I'm sure that if my HSG doesn't give great results next week I'll be upset, but I will try to see God's hand in the situation.  He gave us this battle because He knew that we wouldn't give up.  He's strengthened our marriage and relationships with those around us.

 "With man, this is impossible, but WITH God, ALL things are possible."  Matthew 19:26

Great nurse!

I sent a FB message to my Nurse Practitioner this morning and she called me!  They have me scheduled to come in Thursday morning at 9am to discuss IVF versus IUI with frozen sperm, as well as a few other scenarios.  I'm not even sure if Brandon will be able to go.  If he cannot, I'll be fine.  There's still a lot of things weighing on us and I just feel like I need to talk to Dr. Allemand again. 

None of this has been easy.  After talking to Casey (our NP) today, she again reiterated that IVF is the best option with the condition of Brandon's sperm.  She told me that I didn't have to move forward with the HSG just yet, but I told her that it was fine.  They'll have to do an HSG no matter what I choose so I may as well get it over with now. 

HSG scheduled

This morning I called to schedule a consult with Dr. Allemand.  He's booked through April, but they wanted me to go ahead and schedule my HSG.  My appointment is next Tuesday at 1:45pm.  I can't believe that this will be my third one.  Hopefully everything will look great and I won't need anything else afterward.  I don't think I can handle any more bad news!

Emotions everywhere and The Big Picture

I'm so tired.  My boss has us compare other stores yesterday.  We spent at least an hour at each store.  What I thought would be an easy day kept me up on my feet as much as at work!  As soon as I left work I came home and propped my feet up.  There was a women's meeting at church, but I was truly afraid I would fall asleep if I went.  I watched a movie with Brandon and was in bed by 9pm (which is nothing out of the ordinary for me).

I'm trying to be more at peace about not being able to TTC this cycle.  One minute I feel that I am fine with it, and the rest of the time I am not.  I've never seen so many pregnant women in my life.  I feel like every time I turn my head there's a reminder.  My prayer is for peace and patience through the remainder of this month.  My heart is so heavy.  Brandon and I cannot even have discussions that somehow don't revolve back to cycling.  We've had more intense discussions this week than we ever have through this entire process. At this point, I will count myself lucky that Brandon desires a child as much as I do.  Most women going through this do not have husbands who care as much as Brandon.  I couldn't imagine how much worse this whole situation could be if he wasn't so open to talking through all of the scenarios. 

I'm sorry for the sad posts lately.  I'm still trying to find my silver lining, promise. I know that within a few days I'll start feeling a bit better and be able to sit back and look at the big picture