Infertility Sucks.
Please, Don't Ignore My Feelings. Unless you have personally been affected by Infertility, you do not know how it feels. You do not know the longing I have for a little one. You do not know how much my heart hurts to see swollen, pregnant bellies. You do not know how difficult it is to hear pregnancy announcements from people who "weren't even trying." Each day comes with it's new challenges.
If you don't know what to say, don't say anything at all. Please don't tell us to relax, adopt, get drunk, or go on a vacation. I assure you it's not that simple. During the first year of trying, most of us are relaxed. I am positive that our stress levels had nothing to do with my husband's testicular cancer, or my Uterine Septum and Stage II Endometriosis. Also, please don't tell us that, "It will happen." We know this to be true. We both truly believe that we will blessed with a child in God's timing, but it doesn't make the process any easier.
Please refrain from telling me how easily you got pregnant. Please don't complain about your sleepless nights filled with midnight feedings, and how you never get any quiet time. It hurts. I would give up everything to have that. (And if you need a date night with your spouse, we are always pleased to help out.)
Because Infertility has been a hushed subject of conversation for some time, many people don't know what to say. Resolve has complied a great list of topics related to Infertility Etiquette. Most of the time, people say things unintentionally that hurt. If you know someone suffering from Infertility, please check out the list of things NOT to say.
This post was not meant to be written as aggressive as it may read. I have heard every old wives tale in the book, and been given much strange advice on how to get pregnant. Yes, we did choose to make our journey and struggle private, but only because we wanted to help others like us.
Basic understanding of the disease of Infertility
About NIAW
This is a great post. For years we kept our infertility a complete secret from nearly everyone, including our parents and best friends. Often I would have a counselor tell me that I did not need to be ashamed about being infertile, equating the secrecy with shame. This bothered me because I never felt shame; I just was not ready to share. Finally, I had someone explained it to me perfectly. My lack of sharing had nothing to do with shame, but rather coping. By not telling people I did not have to endure their well-meaning, but hurtful comments about infertility. I was able to interact with others without the cloud of infertility overshadowing every conversation.
ReplyDeleteJust think of the future leverage you'll have over your child! "Just *THINK* of all we had to go through to have you! Now. GO CLEAN YOUR ROOM!"
ReplyDelete<3 See you this afternoon!
PS- that was meant to be funny... not hurtful.
ReplyDeleteIt was funny! We will definitely tell our future little one how much we endured to have them. And like B says, our children will be born owing us money! haha =) Excited about our lunch date!!
DeleteStopping by from ICLW - If I had a dollar for every "helpful" person who told me to take a vacation or "just get drunk" I would have a VERY nice pair of designer shoes :) Thanks for sharing the link to Infertility Etiquette. I will have to share this with my mom - queen of saying the wrong thing.
ReplyDeleteOh, also, are you seeing Dr. Allemand in Birmingham? I have heard good things about this clinic. I lived in Birmingham for several years and miss it tremendously.
New follower here! Found your blog from Resolve's list of blogs nominated! Good luck!
ReplyDelete-ashley
http://mythoughtsmylifemywords.blogspot.com/
Love this post and loved your last one.
ReplyDeleteIf I had a dollar from every person who had offered the 'advice' in your post, or told me that I was 'young and had plenty of time', I could afford to pay for IVF completely out of pocket at this point. Unless someone has truly suffered with infertility, they will never know the cost that those hurtful words that they mean to be helpful. Your posts are so perfect and true, and I'm so glad that ICLW has intersected with NIAW this time around so that I found this post. Best of luck with your IVF journey!
ReplyDeleteHello from ICLW! If I can spread any message this Infertility Awareness Week, that would be it: What not to say to infertiles! It blows my mind every time someone tells me to "just have fun!" If only that would work! Not to mention, the Hubby always gets offended at the assumption that our bedroom life isn't fun! Best of luck to you!
ReplyDelete-Emily @ the-empty-uterus.blogspot.com
Yep! Thanks for writing this! :)
ReplyDeletegreat post! your words are so heartfelt, raw, and beautifully written. infertility is such a personal struggle and sensitive topic, but people who haven't experienced it can never understand the depth of the pain, empathize as they might. they'll never know what it feels like for your arms to literally ache to hold your own child, as absurd as that might sound. my heart goes out to you. i hope that your baby is in your arms soon. best wishes!
ReplyDeleteWhat a great post! I have heard many of those things, and most of them quite recently! Oh it's amazing what some people find as helpful! I am sorry you are going through all of this but also so glad to have "met" you! Thanks for you support and I hope to read one day soon that you have finally gotten all that you deserve, a beautiful baby!
ReplyDeleteHi- I found your blog through ICLW and just wanted to kindly give a little perspective. My husband and I have dealt with infertility for 5 years and have seen these 'infertility etiquette' lists countless of times on infertility blogs and around the web. However, as Christians, we both feel that there is something a little off about them. Of course people who haven't experienced infertility cannot know how you feel, but neither can you know the true suffering of a mother who is incredibly sleep deprived and must wake up multiple times a night to feed her new baby. It seems like many infertile couples fall into the trap of thinking that, because what they desire is ultimately good (having a child), the loss and suffering they feel is greater or more righteous than what other people may be suffering. Children are a wonderful blessing and a gift from God, but as an Aunt to many dear nieces and nephews, I know that being a parent involves incredible suffering as well. To make lists about what others can and can't say and do just alienates infertile couples from their friends and family who may be suffering in their own private, but equally profound ways. What kind of friend are you when your attitude is that, because someone has a child, they can't possibly be experiencing any kind of pain? Or even if you recognize that they are suffering, if you don't want to hear about it because it hurts you- isn't that a form of selfishness? People yearn for and feel loss over all sorts of things; a person who has lost a family member or loved one desires to have him or her back and mourns his/her loss, an unmarried woman or man may desperately desire a spouse, someone with terminal cancer may desire for their body to be rid of the disease or feel the loss of being able to live life the way they once could. These people have to face their loss and are reminded in some way of what they don't/can't have whenever they go out in public, too. Should all of these groups come up with lists for how they should be treated and what others should avoid saying or doing? Again, I completely understand your feelings as I have dealt with insensitive comments and gone through the whole 'relax, it will happen' phrase more times than I could count, but I still feel like these lists are a disordered way for infertile couples to justify their feelings of despair. I have known many, many people in support groups who have alienated and hurt family and friends by posting these kinds of rules and acting like their specific hurt deserved special treatment. Sorry to write a novel, and please know that my comment is not intended to hurt!
ReplyDeleteI did not write the post as a set of guidelines to follow when dealing with people who are going through infertility. I know that there will still be struggles once we have children. I enjoy sleep. I know that it will be extremely difficult for me to take on the challenges that come along with motherhood. I feel that this time will prepare us for what is to come. We have been able to save more money and grow in Christ. I am not the same woman I was a year ago. My attitude has changed, and does each day. It has not yet been our time to become parents for a reason. God has His plan.
DeleteI have always felt like a doormat to everyone. I've put up with countless insensitive comments from friends and family about different events in my life. I've tried to do the "christian like" thing, but I refuse to sit back and let others walk all over me.
When Brandon and I got ready to start a family, there seemed to be some hesitations from some people. We had only been married a year and some people seemed to think that I was still young and we should wait. Because of that we didn't talk to just anyone about beginning to try to get pregnant. Once we realized that it wasn't going to "just happen," we became more open about talking about it. I felt alienated at my own church because I was the only woman in my small group who wasn't a mother. I tried to get over myself and try and be a good friend and offer to help them whenever possible. We ended up leaving church because I was overcome with selfishness and jealousy. Also, when I would speak about our troubles I felt like no one cared. That was probably untrue and they just didn't have any experience dealing with infertility.
Since we have found a new church and have taken an extremely open approach to talking about our fertility struggle. God knew that I wouldn't keep quiet. For the most part, our friends and family have been supportive of us. It's hard to explain what we're going through when many are in the dark about all of the different fertility tests and procedures.
I don't feel like it is wrong to kindly pass on IF etiquette. It's not like I sent it out and said "don't say these things to me." When people are going through other difficult scenarios, they know what to say (for the most part). People don't know what to say to you when you're going through a fertility struggle. They say things thinking that they're helping when they're not. I do not feel like I have alienated any of my friends and family by passing along the etiquette provided by Resolve. I know that I probably said some of the same things on that list before I had personally been affected by infertility. I didn't understand.
I do not think that I deserve special treatment for what we have gone through. My struggle to have a baby hurts, but there are so many other individuals around me going through far worse things. I am constantly reminded of that. God did not promise us that life would be easy, but I feel that our struggles make us stronger, and bring us closer to God. My initial post did come across as aggressive, and I did not intend that. I've tried to have a positive attitude through this process, and it has proven to be extremely difficult.
Wow that was odd. I just wrote an incredibly long comment but after I clicked submit my comment didn't appear. Grrrr... Well I'm not writing all that over again. Anyhow, just wanted to say great blog!
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