What NOT to Say

There is so much information about Infertility on the internet!  From researching more blogs and authors on Infertility, I stumbled upon this open letter written by a doctor in Georgia.  It's great advice for family and friends who know those struggling with fertility issues. Often, well-intentioned responses hurt our (my) feelings.  I've tried to be polite in holding in my disgust from idiotic remarks from family and friends.  For the most part, I try to correct the responses when it seems appropriate.  Infertility has been a hushed topic for so long, and I believe that is why people don't know how to react when their friends or family are struggling with this disease.  Please enjoy this letter and pass it on to others who may be facing Infertility whether it's their own struggle or that of a friend.

Letter to Family and Friends

Dear Friend:
I realize that sometimes it's difficult for you to know what to say to a couple who has a fertility problem. Sometimes it seems like no matter what you do, it's the wrong thing. I'd like to give you a few suggestions that may help you be the friend I know you want to be:

1. Be ready to listen. Infertile couples have a lot on their minds and need someone to talk to. Sometimes a good ear helps people get things off their chests. A good listener can help people express their anxiety, anger, and guilt; or help people work out solutions to problems. Without offering any suggestions your attentiveness and interest may provide the comfort and reassure ance these couples need most.
2. Don't offer advice unless you are really well informed. Infertile couples read everything they can get their hands on. Sometimes it seems as though they know more about fertility treatment than their own doctors. So talking off the cuff about something you don't really know about will only make them angry and defensive.
3. Be sensitive and don't joke about infertility; attempts at levity will only anger them. Joking about infertility is as inappropriate as joking about death at a funeral. Remember, infertile couples are hypersensitive about many things. Try to put yourself in their shoes whenever you insist they come to a baby shower, when you brag about your children's achievements, or when you tell them about your friend's daughter who got pregnant at fourteen.
4. Be patient. This couple may experience mood swings with every treatment or monthly cycle. One week they may be high because a new treatment promises hope; the next week they may be in mourning for the child they lost (didn't make) this month. They may be riding an exhausting emotional roller coaster which makes their actions and moods unpredictable. Try to understand and flow with their changes. And remember that when they want to be alone, they are not rejecting you. Don't get your feelings hurt by the preoccupation they have with their problems; keep in touch.
5. Show that you understand their difficulty. Say things like, "I know this is difficult for you," "I don't envy what you're going through," or, "If there is anything I can do to help, don't hesitate to ask." If you aren't sure about what they are experiencing, read some articles and books that discuss the emotional aspects of fertility problems.
6. Be realistic and supportive of their decisions for or against fertility treatment. Once they've reached a difficult decision, don't say, "Shouldn't you see another doctor?"; "Are you sure that you really want to adopt?"; or, "I'd never consider doing that!" These couples usually weigh each issue as though it were a life-or-death decision. Don't take their decisions lightly unless you have good reason to.
7. Don't put down their doctor or choices for treatment. Refrain from making comments like, "I never heard of a doctor doing that. Does he know what he's doing?" or, "You don't need surgery. What you need is a vacation." Unless, from your reading or experience, you are certain that their physician is not using accepted methods, keep quiet about these topics.
8. Be truthful. Don't, for example, try to hide a pregnancy in the family. The truth does not hurt, provided you are not brutally frank.
9. Let them know when you don't know what to say. The couple will appreciate your honesty and will probably suggest how you can help them in that particular situation, even if it means remaining quiet. Admitting your problem will help establish honest communication.
10. Be an advocate for infertile couples. Educate others and speak up for the couple's decisions. Promote your local RESOLVE chapter. If you do not have a support group in your community, help form one.
11. Understand that individuals and couples respond to fertility problems differently. Learn to recognize the normal emotional stages they are experiencing—denial, anger, depression, mourning, acceptance, and so forth. And realize that they may cycle through these stages with each new round of treatment and with each lost opportunity. Accept them when they are angry accept them when they are depressed, and accept them when they feel guilty. Unless they remain in a single stage for a prolonged period of time, don't become overly concerned.
12. Above all, be there when they need you and show them that you care.

This is a stressful time for everyone. Don't underestimate how important you and your relationship are to this couple. Your understanding and support can make a significant difference during this difficult period.  
Mark Perloe M D
Atlanta, GA.